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* Angry Post Warning: This was written at the peak of my annoyance. Any offense caused to anybody, whether intentionally or not, is duly regretted. All people depicted in the photographs below are mere models (unwillings ones) and are in no way related to the descriptions accompanying the photos.
AIYA! If you feel that my sarcastic jokes were getting too personal, by all means, just let me know and I shall kindly cooperate lah!
Now that’s out of the way…
Not so long ago, I had the luck misfortune of attending a so-called typical Malaysian-Chinese wedding dinner.
Actually I shouldn’t be so harsh about it. After all, the groom is the son of a family friend and I attended the wedding on my family’s behalf.
Then again, its not like I personally know who the bride and groom is. So screw it.
The last wedding reception I’ve been to is of my two close friends David and Geraldine’s. That was a simple affair: a registration ceremony, a get-together over coffee and cake, photos in the sunset, plenty of hugs, and they go home as husband and wife, happily ever after.
Hoping to get a similar reception in Kuching with your parents around? Fat chance.
I pity groom. No, not because he can no longer check out other hot chicks (well, that too). But because his wedding day is supposed to be a special day between him and his bride. Instead, the most important day of their relationship was hijacked.
What happened at their wedding dinner that prompted me to write this entry? See, they have every ingredient in my list of Top Nine Signs The Chinese Wedding Dinner You’re Attending Is Shit.
(Excuse the blurry pictures. I thought it would be rude to bring my digital camera to a wedding dinner, which is why I snapped these photos with my camera phone instead. Yes, I know it was still rude.)
9. The newlywed’s parents had invited their colleagues from work, their kopi-o buddies, their chess buddies, their friends from five different associations, etc. Before you know it, half the restaurant is filled with people the newlyweds had never met. Meanwhile the groom’s normally loud and obnoxious beer buddies were sitting in the corner table so quietly because they’re shy and afraid to offend the elder generations.
8. The beer buddies didn’t stay quiet for too long, luckily. Because after a few rounds of free beers they had forgotten that the parents exist and started singing the Manchester United theme song.
7. In a Chinese Wedding there’s always that yam-seng ceremony. I hated it because I was sitting comfortably and my seat had the moulded shape of my ass, but I had to stand because everyone else was standing.
6. There’s always that over-enthusiastic 40+ year old uncle/auntie who goes on stage and sing some stupid songs from the 70s like Ai Bia Jia Eh Ia (‘work hard and you shall win’). This old couple “sang” a song called Nang Wang Yi Ye Chin (‘Unforgettable One Night Stand’). What the fish? This is a goddamn wedding dinner! Take your wrinkly one-night-stand ass to the nearest budget hotel, you two dinosaurs!
5. If its not some 40-year-old uncle, then its that old classmate of the bride who was rejected by Trashcan Idol singing karaoke. Excuse me, we still need to eat here! What the hell is a karaoke machine doing in a wedding ceremony anyway? A karaoke machine belongs to a KTV lounge, not in a restaurant where people have to eat!
4. Somehow somewhere there’s always a baby crying. Maybe its a warning signal to the newly-weds of the things to come.
3. If its not some crying baby, then its those hyperactive kids wearing those… those… shoes.
Gah, how do I explain it? Its these shoes!
You know, the ones that come with those built-in wheels that make them slide. I HATE THEM! There’s nothing more annoying than to have to walk across a hall, and them have some kid glide past you like a ghost! Who the heck invented those things? Makes me just want to cut off their balls, put them into one of these shoes and slide them away into oblivion. Dammit I hate those shoes!
2. A plate of yummy fried chicken is served and you just wanted to gobble it all up because you’ve been waited 2 hours for your dinner (stupid invitation card asked us to come at 6pm and its now 8). But you can’t because there’s an elderly person sharing the same table with you. So you look at the food and he looks at the food and you look at him and he looks at you, and then you courteously ask the old man to ‘jiak’ (eat) but then he quickly replied ‘jiak-jiak-jiak-jiak-jiak’ in rapid succession. Feeling defeated because he said ‘jiak’ five times and you only said it once, you proceed to use your chopstick to pick up a piece of chicken and put it at the old man’s plate, but then he acted like its an atomic bomb and shouted ‘no! no! no! you first you first!’ while he put the chicken back into your plate, so you have to put it back on his plate but then he still doesn’t want it. So at this stage you feel damn tu-lan because you got so frustrated you just wanna stuff that whole piece of chicken up his nose and yell “EAT THE GODDAMN FRIED CHICKEN DAMMIT YOU OLD MAN!”
1. At the end of the night, there’s always that bloody annoying piece of wrapped wet towel where people would open it by squeezing the air inside to one end of the wrapper, then hitting it to make a loud POP. OI! Ever heard of class and courtesy? Obviously not!
Sometimes it felt as if a wedding is organised for the parents and not for the couples themselves. I mean, karaoke machines? C’mon! If it were left to me to organise my own wedding, I’d make sure:
- You may yam-seng in your seat.
- If you’re my beer drinking buddies, I shall secretly replace your alcoholic beverage with Shandy.
- If you’re over 40 years old, you’re BANNED from using the Karaoke machine.
- If you’re under 40 years old and does not have a recording contract, you’re BANNED from using the Karaoke machine.
- Violation of the above karaoke code will result in the microphone being stuck into an orifice of your body of my choosing.
- If you have babies who cannot stop crying, please kindly make use of the cellotape provided.
- There will be no wrapped wet towels. Instead MAS flight attendants will be available to distribute the wet towels. No, you’re not allowed to ask for a cup of tomato juice from them.
- The flooring will be covered with rocks and pebbles, so when kids with one of them bloody annoying shoes-with-rollerblading-wheels scoot around, they will fall down and I can laugh at them.
- Last but not least, I shall invite only the people I know. If you’re not on my Friendster list, you’re not invited. Sorry.
Are you sure you can practise the wedding of your dreams in Malaysia? π That’s a challenge, to break the tradition. Oh yeah, you forgot the mention, to start the dinner at the time mentioned sharp. π
that’s why my mother always told me….when I get married, just go straight on a honeymoon. don’t need to cater a wedding dinner…..
by the way, those shoes with wheel are call “Heelys”
hahahaha u just described every chinese wedding that ever took place in malaysia. heelys are the world’s worst invention. now not only do kids run and scream all over the place, they do it faster with the stupid shoes now.
I have attended the same kind of wedding but it was worst cause the ‘Ah Peks’ just couldn’t stop singing. I think majority of the ‘Ah Peks’ who turned up actually take turns to sing. Oh…how i hate it and they think they are good!! But i think this kind of event only happen in restaurants and not in hotels :). By the way, are you sure you are going to invite ‘all’ your contacts from your friendster account??? Unless you know all of them very well, else your ceremony will end up like the one you mentioned here…inviting people you have never met before.
*muahahaha i am on your frenster list* well to make it grand the restaurant should’ve used yellow lights instead. and btw why you so hoxim wanna help that old man.. maybe the only thing he can eat is porridge π
ermmm..for me,I dont see nothing wrong with the wedding dinner…they r all trying to be happy i guess. i mean its normal to have a karaoke session in the middle of the dinner.. maybe its the tradition n we r used to it..well, maybe different ppl, different view.. π
Jason, if I had the choice (and money) I would do a fusion between a traditional wedding that my parents want and a modern wedding that I want. I don’t mind some parts, like the tea ceremony where newlyweds serve tea to the elderlies to get angpow. But I just don’t like the idea of a chinese restaurant, and I don’t like the idea of a karaoke. π
kljs, your mom’s good. Save you money *and* your ears!
Audrey, hahahahaa! My sentiments *exactly*! Dammit I hate hate hate those shoes. How can some idiot come up with such a stupid concept and sell so much of it?! Why didn’t I think of it in the first place?
meigie, the karaoke singing spoilt my evening lah. As soon as the ahpek on stage opened his mouth, everyone on my table stopped eating and looked at each other – speechless but we know exactly what we are all thinking. π I’d rather they play some Jay Chou MTVs than to have some karaoke singing, seriously. And the fact that the ahpeks repeatedly go back up on stage sort of stealed the limelight from the main stars of the night, and that’s the newlyweds. Everyone went home traumatised instead of feeling happy for the couple. Haha! (btw, my friendster is strictly friends only. So no probs there. :))
MunKit, courtesy mahhh…!
Anonymous, of course lah… its ok if you are the bride or groom and a karaoke session involving people twice your age is exactly what you want. *If* that’s exactly what a 20-something newlywed want. π
my god. my god. the poor wedding is in tatters. the poor 20 something bride and groom.
let me digress, recently an old schoolmate had a shotgun marriage and held the dinner at a run down shopping mall(heard of Amcorp Mall?). Damn kesian wei. She was this posh girl..and now a wedding dinner in Amcorp mall.
sigh. oh right. chinese dinners.
argh!! heelys!! ohmigod. those stuff should be burnt(child optional).
karaoke? I’ve never been to a wedding with karaoke. ‘Cept for my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary. but that’s because they are old people yea?
=) kenny, make sure you stand up for your rights when someone proposes for a karaoke machine ok!! ka yau!
Lolz. Been to a few wedding ceremonies. Even those held in hotels have karaoke machines π
Traditional wedding ceremonies are dreads. Hate eating with people whom I don’t know and Have to be damn polite.
Those “heelys” suck. Feel like making the kids fall sometimes. Haha..
There are Heelys for adults too……. π
Now this is why i refuse to go back to malaysia.. π
i fuckin hate those shoes!!!! i’ve bumped kids over, then pointed and laughed when they fell down. and yeah…that typa wedding is fuckin torture. i feel!
i fuckin hate those shoes!!!! i’ve bumped kids over then pointed and laughed when they fell down. i feel its justified.
and yeah…that typa wedding is fuckin torture. i feel!
So did you get to eat the chicken or not?
That old man must be very ‘segan’ with you, young handsome(????) kid just got back from Australia, of course he wants u to eat first.
But I think it’s sweet. It shows that Malaysians do have some form of respect between old and young. It’s usually the old who eats first but for that old man you deserve to have the chicken before him.
I’m not on Kenny’s friendster list but I would be really happy if some of the visitors here would comment on Kennysia’s wedding. Let’s see if he will eat his own words ya!
HOHO. KILL JOY! Lol. But yes i do understand the awkwardness of waiting for someone to make the ‘firt move’ when a dish comes, and the horrid karaoke singing – especially if you’re sitting right next to the speakers. But i DO LOVEEEE to pop those cologne hand towels! SO FUN LAH. you think easy ah? takes TECHNIQUE i tell you.
AND THOSE ROLLER SHOES. MAN. Every time i see some kid rolling by on those in shopping malls here, i have this great unholy urge to shove them flat on their face. Parents never teach them ah!
No karaoke, period.
Yknow, those kids with roller shoes, I’ve lost count of how many I’ve tripped up in malls. As they’re about to whiz past you, quickly lift your arm chin level and point. Pretend to be interested in whatever display is in the general direction.
Try not to point too enthusiastically at lingerie.
ArgHhhh…i hate the roller shoes ! It’s the worst designed shoes on earth…
And you’re so right about the Typical Chinese Wedding ……
What the fuck. I never know got shoes like that one… lucky I only in Malaysia for two weeks a year
wah never knew u hate malaysian wedding. err ill try to remmeber how much u hate it and invite u for my reception only. heheeeeeeee =p
then again its true how in malaysian weddings, half of the people invited are unknown to both the bride and groom. hmm
On the day of Kenny’s ‘wedding’
‘I do, she do’ *kiss* toss flower..okay taxi!!
hehe =P
hahaha Kenny Mate, we all know they have them weddings just so the parents get more “face” hahaha how stupid is it though? I’m sure when you have your wedding it’s gonna be mad, and if there’s any kids with Heelys and they fall, not only will you laugh at them, I reckon all your guests will hahaha they think they’re so cool (the kids with the heelys) but I swear, those shoes are just so ridiculous! (I’m not a fan either). Finally — DEATH TO THE KARAOKE MACHINE!!!
Mannnn is it nice to be back or what! π Holy shit, my inbox is swamped.
Jayelle, eh I just had a brilliant idea! If anyone is gonna propose to me a chinese wedding dinner with karaoke, I’m just gonna ask some actor and actress to pretend to be me and my bride for a day. After all, since half the people there never met me and couldn’t care less about me, they wouldn’t noticed anyway. They can just torture themselves with their horrible singing!
Anonymous, whoever came up with the idea of a karaoke machine on a wedding dinner ought to be slapped. With a microphone.
kljs, are there? hahaa! Sounds like I need to do a review on it some day if I can find it.
Rod, why not? You can always have an Indian wedding instead! I’m sure they don’t have karaoke machines in an Indian wedding!
vanessa, I think that is very well justified indeed! You ought to be commended for doing a great service to the preservation of sanity of all humankind. Hey, don’t your two younger siblings wear those things?
kampung gal, why would the old man be ‘segan’ with a young handsome man like me?! Mannnnnn that better not be true, or I’ll be wearing double underwear next time I’m around him!
kimm, I dunno… I just bite a hole with the wrapper and open it. Somehow mine always ‘lau hong’ instead of letting off a loud pop when I tried to do that.
Carol, they are designed to annoy.
Jon, lucky you still speak manglish although you’re in malaysia only 2 weeks a year. boleh!
chrissie, I don’t mind malaysian weddings lah! Really, as long as I personally know everyone invited, as long as the kids in attendance behave, and as long as the focus is on ME and not some karaoke singers.
Reta, skip the whole dinner part? SOUNDS GOOD! Save the money, save the ears from the relentless beating from the karaoke singers.
Bek, if I had the choice/money my wedding would be held outdoors on the lawn (so no heelys can scoot on there), with a stage, the Black Eyed Peas would be jamming live and the whole ceremony would evolve into a foam party. But I’m just dreaming. π
Lainie, “Try not to point too enthusiastically at lingerie.” HEH! Sounds like a plan to exact revenge!
hey dude, very interesting sarcastic writting format, enjoyed it. As for you wedding, go to Las Vegas for the drive thru weding, you don’t even have to get our of the car.
Hey Kuching got bahcelor/bachelorettee parties or not huh?
Eh, younger kuchingians should start using wedding planner. On invitation card, should stated: Formal dining, formal anttire, RSVP, no children… then they will feel woooo classy.. so all those thing that you hate… can be avoid.
Bastard… π
One week more than enough to remind people of Manglish…even reading this excellent blog keeps me in touch with Malaysian culture.
There are heelys for adults.
If you happened to watch the TVB hit series Survivor’s Law. Raymond Lam’s character in the series wears a heelys in the series. At the end of the series, all 4 main characters in the series wore a heelys. π
Weiiii…. why you think like that one…
What I meant was that old man *respect* you, not expecting to get in your pants over a piece of chicken. Aiyooo!!!!
LOL
lolz!! We’ve allllll been through what you just been through~ XD Chinese Weddings are all like that.. ehehehe. I think the bride and the bridegroom shall make another simple wedding ceremony with their close friends la.
Every since I was a kid, I hate chinese wedding dinner. Obviously, i know none of the relatives.. just play my part. go there. sit. wait. eat. yam seng. eat. sit. wait. wait. wait. balik. = =
stupid idiot!!!!
wedding dinner is indead organised for the parents. you can organize your own wedding dinner for your kids in future. that time nobody can say anything even if u wanna origanize naked party there. do your own free show.. what ever.
agree with daruma..
damn stupid.
there are even worst wedding.
there is once that i attend my cousin sister’s wedding at some remote town in pahang.it’s so remote that the restorant is not big enough for the wedding and it’s held in a town hall.
IT’s have all the above plus HOT and flies.
and 1 more thing,i dun think i saw the newly-weds
suggestion:just do a garden wedding + food n u dun need a dinner anymore.
don’t u know the word respect?
i m sure ur parent’s wedding last time is same like tis…
n i can c u not respect to eldest ok….kidz
i m damn hate tis kind of fucking ppl…
huhuhu……..even though i don’t know you Kenny (happen to bump into this site from some place and having typekey account) i really do agree with you on those nonsensical weddings.
i’ve been to weddings where the place was cramped, balloons were tied on every chair (basket the kids were like on some game show) – it wasn’t pleasant.
damn, sometimes you just wish those parents teach their kids some manners.
and about Malaysia? you’d be surprise how they pick up and many times “abuse” the latest trends.
and regarding “fuck u”‘s & daruma comments –
i’d say this : this is the wedding of the couple : the people who deserve the utmost respect will be the couple. you can’t just barge in and make do nonsense just because you’re elder, that’s just plain unethical and totally rude.
another thing is TIME issue. if the couple stated 7pm on the invitation, get your asses there on time. the least you could do is respect the couple on their wedding dinner.
again a wedding dinner is FOR THE COUPLE. that’s why it’s called WEDDING dinner. it was never for parents IMO, even though parents are always the esteemed guests.
hmmm… nice entry… eventhough i dun really know u… but i think it makes alotta sense… a nice dinner party at ur backyard wif families(only siblings and parents) from both the groom and the bride is just nice…
ps: i think “fuck u” is a nerd…
I dont like to follow those traditional wedding dinner as well….but if your elders want you to have that during your wedding….will you respect them and follow what they want?
lucky that this doesn’t happen to me.
totally avoid those weddings.. or find the tiger lady… EARLY… haha
Why not we break the cycle, by making the wedding accessible for all the races and religion, held at halal restaurant. only halal food provided and most importantly, no alcohols. god, i hate drunkards.
U r rite about the traditional wedding …but come on my fren …give a bit of respect to the elder generation mar! i mean the chicken hahaaa..
The reason why the wedding dinner is catered to the taste of the parents of the newly weds is because the parents paid for the wedding expenses.
Those who pay, speak loudest. So the newly weds will just have to keep quiet and bear with it for one day.
You don’t get married every day, right? Give your parents a break, you can organise a simple get together with your close friends in a much cosy setting thereafter.
With regards to the chicken incident, just put the chicken on the elder’s plate and help yourself to another piece. Eat it up and he will feel happy that you are enjoying the food, yet you thought of him by giving him one piece. Settled.
Wah… Kenny Sia… Where are you from??? It’s only now that you know all these things? Wahlau eh! Alrighty then. At least you’ve learnt your lesson. I seriously suggest that you fly back to Singapore or where ever perfect place you’re from and STAY there, OR u’ll never be a happy man π
Whoopsy daiseys! Now dat I know u’re from Kuching… Wahlau eh! Even the more damn shocked! In Kuching so long… dunno these things? Wahlau eh… Dude, u shud seriously consider coming out of yer little diddly shell more often ler… π
while i enjoy the whole post – well, i had a great laugh at it….i strongly disagree with your perception of the wedding dinner not being up to standard, not classy…as a malaysian, as a kuchingyian,my whole picture of a chinese wedding is almost always perfect….not in the sense of having nice food, and perfect protocols…it’s because it’s truly unique to us. what’s so hard with standing up for a toss? as for the wet ‘pop’ towel, we liked it as kids…and i guess anyone from kuching recognize that restaurant….its location and all…it’s a restaurant, not a five star hotel…so dont expect a formal, classsy dinner =))
hah…..so what difference would it make….dinner or no dinner?? My parents only registered their marriage and they are still happily married. You haf wedding dinner n all n 2 years later the couple decide to divorce oso no use wht….
I myself haf no plans to haf a wedding dinner n my bf agrees on this too. Better spend d money on our honeymoon instead of torturing ourselves there.
OMG!!.. “Wrinkly old asses”…”WRINKLY OLD ASSES”???!!! I’m in tears…….{D
oh, my stomach hurts……. I’m gonna read it again!
Correction,…”Wrinkly ONE NIGHT STAND ass”….”dinosaurs”….oh..now i’m just rolling lmao,……. and it ain’t too wrinkly, either!!
i also wan to join can or not ???
they’re not that bad. i’ve attended so many weddings and birthdays in my life so i pretty get used to them already. still disliked the yamseng part though.
hahah…i really like the conditions u set for u wedding…its amusing and rational of course i diasagree the part about the kids with the rollers…hahaha..
You are just probably jealous because you can’t heely . LOL π
Hi,
This is Jack Ng. I happened to read your blog introduced by my friend. Just to clarify few things on the ‘wedding dinner’ you attended.
I think 100 years ago,maybe earlier, when a couple wanna stay together forever,they get married. But back then,there is no registration needed. So how do they ‘formally’ get married? Wedding ceremony is not enough as not many people know this ‘lady’ is attached to someone and is no longer ‘available to others’. Therefore, a married couple have to invite their friends,relatives,and more to inform them on their marriage. [Most of them are from poor families] Therefore, to hold a wedding is very difficult but someone smart came out the idea of giving ANGPAU. (This is not the main issue anyway)..The main point is a couple get married and would like to inform their friends,relatives,and more that they are married through wedding dinner. That is the reason they invite so many people to the wedding dinner.
WEll, i believe not only MALAYSIAN CHINESE is holding to this tradisional virtues,there are singporeans and also other chinese from other countries are still very concern on this tradisional virtues.
As for the karaoke session, i do agree with you that it is very annoying. However,you may want to contribute some input on HOW TO MAKE A WEDDING DINNER NOT SO BORING?
For the AH PEk you mentioned, i think you are just ‘too polite’. You don’t have to ask him to CHIAK although he is an elder. What i mean here is MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS. Just eat the food.you don’t know him anyway.
Conclusion
This is a revolution of a tradisional wedding dinner ( heelys and karaoke ). Admit it,changes takes place every seconds!
You can choose not to hold a wedding dinner and just sending FOR YOUR INFORMATION CARD!
i apologize if any of the words or sentence used here is annoying and offensive.
i can be reached at kaahock@yahoo.com
Thanks
this guy who commented up there is stupid, someone end his misery
oh … kenysia… this is so funny I can’t stop laughing. I’m planning my own wedding and I’m a simple woman but I shall keep in mind your “suggestions”. cheers mate… and I think my fiance will laugh his ass off too… but I don’t think I would serve my beer buddies shandy… I would have no friends after I’m married π
u really ah kenny, i gigle-gigle alone in front of my pc in the office whole afternoon .. ur blog has made me smile, my fellow collegues wonder what i am at.. hei, friendster me, i want to be the part in your dream wedding.. u know standing yum cha next to you!!
I am still a kid but I dun use Heelys π Anyway, my aunties sing during wedding dinners but I clap all the same even tho they sook a bit (hehe, can’t say the word if my aunt is reading this) I clap for the hongbao! HEHEHE. It’s great to be not married, ain’t it?
exact sentiments Kenny! LMAO! I like the part whereby u described the old man’s jiak jiak jiak… its sooo truE! Whahaahha!
how come tis people here very disrespectful 1.so rude saying foul languages
Only stupid ppl would call others stupid! π
Typical Chinese weddings are crap.
spread the 9 listed rules everywhere.
it shall work.
at least i’m takin it. ^ ^
I agree that the traditional chinese wedding dinner at restaurent is boring & tiresome. Just sit.. eat.. wait… :S
Maybe a buffet lunch outdoor with an invited singer, say Lindsay Lohan will be splendid.
But who can break the tradition???? π
finally reached dz post after flipping thru all ur posts fr Jan 2005 onwards =P
soooooo agree with wat u’ve wrote up there. HATE traditional chinese weddings…noisy & full of relatives i only see once a year..strangers…& ppl whom i hv no interest in talking to…
& yesssssss i hate it wen ppl pop the wet tissue thingie…irritating !
wish i could get married overseas…less hassle & no need to go thru all dz jz to save face for the older generation…
good post dude and its very rare post. always keep posting. thank you….
Im so excited, I am so looking forward to the big day, I hope the familly dont ruin it
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