Kids Moving Out Of Parents’ House

My mother and I were having this conversation.

Kenny: “How much is the rent for a simple house in Kuching?”
Mom: “Not too sure. Why?”
“Well, I do have to move out from this house eventually don’t I?”
“What?” She replied in a surprised tone.
I looked at my mom, wondering why she reacted that way. “You’re not expecting me to stay in this house and depend on you forever, do you?”
My mom looked at me, obviously disappointed. “You wanted to move out?”
“Mom, in Australia kids move out of their parents’ house when they turn 18.”
She drew a heavy sigh. “Actually, I was hoping that you and your brother will stay together in this house. Then we can share everything together.” She said with such a sad tone. I felt an invisible needle pierced through my heart.
“You’re not expecting us to still stay in this house after we’re married, do you?”
“Why not? This is a good house, in a perfectly good location. The best location in Kuching!”
“Mom, if I continued to live with you well into my adulthood, that would be like me still depending on your cooking when I should be independant and you should start spending money and enjoy life. I’m not abandoning you, just living in a place of my own.”
“Well, if you and your brother move out, who’s going to take care of me when I grow old?” A second needle pierced through my heart. “What’s so bad about your family and your brother’s family and me living in the same house? That way, we can all take care of each others’ kids. You don’t want your kids to be raised by babysitters do you? You don’t know how many of them are snakes nowadays. And how are you going to afford living on your own? You don’t have money to burn. Renting would be like giving your money to strangers. You might as well live in this house and give it to me as ‘rent’. Bla bla bla bla…”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I’m not too sure what the Malaysian-Chinese tradition on this issue is. (Heh, sometimes I wonder if I’m still Malaysian-Chinese). I’m pretty sure at the very least, kids live with their parents until they after their marriage. After that they move in with their partners.
Their elderly parents would live in the same house, eventually selling it to move in with one of their sons, or give it to the eldest son and continue living in the same house.
Family Potrait

I grew up in a typical Malaysian-Chinese family. Three generations living under the same roof.

Only a very small proportion of Malaysian-Chinese parents actually move into retirement homes. Leaving your parents in retirement homes is considered by many as being disrespectful to your parents. If you even dare to suggest that option to them, they would bark at your asking you where your conscience lies. Crying, asking if you want your own children to treat you that way when you grow old.
Maybe its to do with that confusingly confusing Confucian values that Malaysian-Chineses are brought up with.
Rule #1 is to always respect your parents, meaning to live with them if they ask you to. In fact I think about the only way adult Malaysian-Chinese don’t live with their parents before their marriage is if they don’t live in the same city as their parents.
Its not the same the way I knew it in Perth.
In Aussie, people laugh at you if you tell them that you’re still living with your parents at 22 years old, as if you’re still a baby who needs mom to personally breastfeed you.
Breastfeed

The reason why I wish I’m still be a baby sometimes. Well, I’m working towards that goal. Not with my mother though. 🙂

Their culture dictates that children move out when they turn 18. In practice, this usually extends to about 22 years old. After high school, University, an obligatory 1-year backpacking trip around the world, and a stable job… a typical Aussie would probably be 22 years old by then – which allows them to afford renting their own place and live away from their parents.
The odd thing is that its not usually the kids who want to move out. Its the Aussie parents who threaten their kids to move out. One of my uni mates told me that his parents had to pack all his items and leave them out the front door to convince him that he is not welcome back home unless he finds his own place to stay.
Australian parents do it because they want their kids to be independent physically and financially from them. Some parents would then refurbish the empty room and rent it to overseas students to earn that extra income. When they grow old and their house becomes too big for them, they move into retirement village where all the old people hang out, just like Grandpa Simpson!
Abe Simpson

Kenny, 86 years old.

It goes without saying that I love and respect my parents. That said, I’m not sure if and when I start my own family, that I would take up the option of staying with my parents AND my brother’s family.
Ideally, I’d like to move out to a rented place of my own before my marriage, whilst saving money to buy a house of my own. I’d still visit my parents and brother of course, but I want to live on my own. Sure, its a waste of money compared to all the luxuries I enjoy right now. Sure its going to be a chore trying to organise my own breakfast, lunch and dinner for myself.
But you know what? Its not like something I’ve never done before. I think I’ll appreciate the freedom and independance of bachelorhood before my marriage. And hopefully I can do that without being labelled a disrespectful son of a mother.
But I doubt so. 🙂

Oh Dear, What Have I Done?

And with that one single entry, I’ve booked myself a one-way ticket to eternal crapdoom. The horror!
Well, there goes my reputation…
My reputation

Goodbye my friend, I shall miss you!

Heh, you guys RULE!
minishorts called it “the BEST APRIL FOOL’S PRANK in blogging history.” Dr Liew called it the “Best April Fool Post 2005”. (Am I starting to sound like that voice we hear in movie trailers all the time?)
At least everyone had a good laugh about it. And that’s good, right? Instead of pulling a prank on some innocent dude, hurting his feelings then blaming him for getting upset on April Fool’s – we’re all here laughing at my hairy legs.
Gee, I never knew the jungle on my legs could bring people together! 🙂 Something to tell my grandchildren about when I grow old.
Silly, silly me!
*Kenny makes a mental note to never turn up to any future Bloggers’ Meet*

April Fool’s: Making Fun of Myself

I’m never good scheming an April Fool’s prank.
When I was young, everyone hated me on the 1st of April. Whenever my group of friends decided to pull a prank on some poor kid, I was always the first to get all red-faced and laugh out loud. The (supposed) victim would get suspicious and my mates would get all upset because I single-handedly ruined their evil plan.
Eventually I decided that I’m hopeless at poking fun at other people, and so I resigned to my fate as the target of all pranks. I’m not sure what the other bloggers have up their sleeves come this April Fool’s. Someone slap me if its not somewhere along the lines of my-blog-is-shutting-down, I-lost-my-job-cos-of-my-blog, or another one of those terrifying watch-this-carefully-and-you’ll-see-a-ghost.
But you know what? This year, I smartened up. I REFUSE to be made fun of by others. This year, I decided that only I am worthy of making fun of MYSELF.
Maybe its the excess bandwidth usage last month. Maybe its too many episodes of the Numa Numa Dance. But somehow I have an inexplicable urge to embarrass myself on the Internet, and perhaps scare away a few of kennysia.com’s readers in the process to save some bandwidth costs.
There are many well-known bloggers in the ‘blogosphere’ out there. They said that if you can’t beat them… then for fuck’s sake, beat them harder! With a baseball bat, perhaps.
So. Partially inspired by minishorts and the project, I decided that I’m gonna sacrifice my virginity dignity, put myself in their shoes, and see what its like if its ME and not THEM that’s famous.
Anyway, consider this my April Fool’s dedication.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Who better to start the ball rolling, than a fellow Sarawakian and controversial blogger, Poh Huai Bin of sixthseal.com?
Poh Huai Bin
Offensive yet intelligent. Controversial yet witty. If there ever were a blog version of the Ewan McGregor movie Trainspotting, sixthseal.com would be it.
If there ever were going to be a blog version of “Dumb and Dumber”, kennysia.com would be it.
Me as Huai Bin
Note: the dilation of my pupils is not real, its photoshopped. The dilation of Huai Bin’s pupils however……. is also photoshopped.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Next on my list is the author of Screenshots, Jeff Ooi, Malaysia’s Most Influential Blogger. I don’t know why people call him that, but Jeff Ooi is definitely one of Malaysia’s best known blogger. Browse through any Malaysian blog and I guarantee you at least half of them will be linked to Jeff Ooi.
Jeff Ooi

I’m probably not that influential yet…
Me as Jeff Ooi
… but at least I’m trying.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I had thought about doing an imitation of Malaysia’s favourite erotic blogger, author of The Hustler Diaries, Mr Sleek Black Mercedes. However, the Hustler himself decided to keep his identity anonymous. Browsing through his site, I was unable to find anything resembling a photo of him except for an award he won which he proudly displayed on the sidebar of his blog.
Hustler Diaries

Impressive. That’s one thing I can forget about winning. I’ll probably be winning this instead.
Me as Hustler Diaries

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I was going to stop here because I can’t think of anyone else worth spoofing. Then I thought, why stop at the guys?
Introducing Kimberlycun, owner of Malaysia’s smoothest pair of legs, and coincidentally the author of that fantastic blog with a fantastic title, “Narcissism Is Necessary”.
Kim Cun

Introducing… my legs.
Me as Kim Cun

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I was going to stop here.
But once again, I thought “Why stop at Malaysia? Why not look at say, Singapore?”
Whilst Malaysia’s best known blogger is an uncle called Jeff Ooi, Singapore’s best known blogger is a babe called Xia Xue. Xia Xue is Wendy Cheng, someone who left thousands of ‘blogders’ a day wondering “Why are we worshipping the ground she blogs on?”
Xia Xue
The looks, the brains, the body. Man, I wish I can be like her sometimes. But alas, I think I’m just gonna “Xia Xuey” myself.
Xia Xuey

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I hope I’m not gonna regret this when I look back 5 years later. Sorry I wasted your time with this half-arsed foolish entry.
The obligatory flame extinguisher: My apologies to the people above whom I’ve made a parody of. You have the right to be deeply offended because I’m not as pretty as you are. But hey, its the 1st of April! So please, chill… chill….
Added 3rd April 2005: I noticed there’s a lot of non-regular kennysia.com readers dropping by this page. I’d sincerely appreciate it if you leave me just a short comment, telling me who you are and all that stuff. You know, as a small token for my effort putting up this entry. Thanks in advance! 🙂
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Engrish: 99 Balls and 1 Gift

Some of you may have noticed that kennysia.com was down the whole night last night. That’s my fault. Apparently after upgrading my bandwidth allowance to 3GB last week, I managed to blow it once again. No worries, I’ll move my host soon.
To add insult to injury, I scratched the surface of my 2-week old LCD monitor just 5 minutes ago. Now my baby has an unsightly and permanent gash left on it. Good job, Kenny, good job.
In times like these, there’s only one thing that can cheer me up. Three words: Made in China.
I tell you, those products made in China are a gold mine for Engrish. I don’t know what these people are thinking hiring primary school dropouts to design their product packaging exported to the world. One thing for sure, their proficiency of the language makes mrkiasu look like an English teacher.
Take for example, this box of toy balls I spotted at a local supermarket. The name of the product is a creatively named Sunny Cat 99 Balls and 1 Gift.
Box of balls, front shot
On the back of the box, I learnt that the ‘Gift’ in question is actually a netted basket.
Box of balls, back shot
Somehow I get the feeling that they don’t know what ‘basket’ is in English. So they cleverly replaced it with the word ‘gift’ instead.
Box of balls, suggestion
My suspicion was confirmed when they call a ‘basket’ a ‘kid tent’.
Their suggestion seems quite useful. Considering what a shit day I’ve been having, I think I’m just gonna put colourful balls into a ‘kid tent’ just to cheer myself up.
Box of balls, not ice
The side of the box kindly informs me that this box is “not ice”. Like duh, of course I know its not ice, ‘cos otherwise you’d have to put it into a freezer.
Here’s the kicker.
Box of balls, the kicker
I don’t know about you, but I have a strong urge to buy a box of these balls just so that I can stuff them into the mouths of those annoying kids with Heely shoes.

Things to Look Forward to In the Aftermath of Quake

The earthquake off the coast of Sumatra midnight this morning is a tragedy, no doubt about it. But as they always say, every cloud has a silver lining. Disasters like earthquakes and tsunamis are often unpredictable. However, the events that followed such disasters are very very certain.
Here are the list of things to look forward to in the aftermath of the Asian Quake crisis.

5. Disaster = Charity Concerts!

Backstreet Boys are so gay

Guys, I really really really wish I could say that I photoshopped this picture. I’m sorry to say that this photo 100% real – its official, THEY’RE GAYS!

The Backstreet Boys will be coming back to Malaysia to hold another ‘Force of Nature’ charity concert. Maybe this time we can all sing “Backstreets back, ALRIGHT!”
Halfway through Nick Carter will be probably speak in a touchy-feely voice saying “The biggest force of nature is the human spirit. *sniff*” Then AJ will be like “Will somebody PLEEASSEEE think of the children?” Then the five of them would be all crying and hugging and kissing and groping each other on stage, asking everyone to donate money for relief efforts, whilst they go backstage to provide some hand relief efforts for themselves.
As usual all the Datuks and Datins will have the best seats of the evening.

4. Disaster = People Blaming People for Everything!

Let the finger-pointing begin!
Hyper-religious idiots will be screaming “This is God’s revenge to all these Muslims!” Or in Audrey’s case, people saying to her “[You] should convert to Christianity now so if anything happens, [you] can go to Heaven.” Poor nations will be complaining that rich nations are stingy with their efforts. Rich nations will be contemplating whether to donate or spend another $30 billion bombing iRaq. Meanwhile, concerned/brain-dead citizens will blaming their government “OI!!! How come you din tell us earlier that there’s going to be an earthquake ar? ITS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!”

3. Disaster = Major Festivities Postponed or Cancelled!

Remember how last year’s New Year’s Eve celebrations were toned down or cancelled in the wake up the tsunami disaster? Sorry to all the jokers out there, but April Fool’s this year is postponed.
April Fool's Postponed
What? You think we all still have the mood to play jokes on people ah? Shame on you! Why don’t you spend your time helping out with the relief efforts instead?

2. Disaster = Opportunity for Political Publicity!

Opportunity for Political Publicity
Forget about reading the local Malaysian newspaper. I can describe the front page headlines for the next 7 days. Visualize this: Overblown pictures of political big-wigs hitting some gong or cutting some cake on some so-very-important ceremony. The big bold headlines would scream something like “Politician says ‘DONATE MONEY FOR QUAKE RELIEF EFFORTS!'”

1. Di$a$ter = “Buy thi$ and We’ll donate 5 cent$!”

Starbucks donation drive
Businesses will be taking advantage of this disaster to lunch, sorry… launch their late$t $ale$ promotion. They’ll entice you to buy their latest product whilst claiming that a portion of their money will go towards some big-ass charity. If you don’t buy their products then you must be a heartless person. Shame on you. People dying everywhere and you aren’t even helping those big companies to donate towards relief efforts!

Ahhhh…. I reckon its going to be oh-so-routine.
Of course, I’m not slamming them. After all, all these go towards a good cause.
But you know what? We don’t need big-ass charity concerts, big-nut politicians and big businesses telling us to donate money. We are not animals. We are humans, we have feelings and our need to help others should just come naturally from our hearts.
Guys, you don’t need me to tell you to donate money. Just give what you can give.

Meanwhile, here’s a picture of me doing my own relief effort. 😉
My own relief effort

kennysia.com’s Bandwidth Has Exploded

Man, that sounded good. Repeat after me, “My bandwidth has EXPLODED.”
It sounded as if I couldn’t control my site’s popularity, and that kennysia.com has become the world’s most visited website next to Google.com, receiving more hits daily than an altar boy’s ass.
I wish I could tell you that my web host can no longer handle the enormity of my testicles, and that they have to purchase extra hardware just to support the weight of my ever expanding balls.
But sadly that’s not true.
(I still have big balls though. :))
The truth is that I’m an idiot.
See, when I started kennysia.com January this year, I looked for the cheapest web host available and purchased it without doing much research. Its only after a while that I discovered that there are better web hosts out there that cost half as much.
Yet at that time, my 25MB storage and 1GB bandwidth for USD$4 a month sounded more than enough for me. After all, the website I did for the company I used to work for (spectraeng.com.au) only used up about 200MB of bandwidth per month.
Part of the reason I started this site is to keep in touch with my mates in Perth. Instead, the people I expected to come, bar a few, didn’t come. (Gee, thanks guys. Such great friends you are!) Instead, I get visitors all the way from Canada to Taiwan, UK to Korea.
Granted, most of these people are just interested with my Reviews. But these people are such suckers. Bandwidth suckers, that is. 🙂
Bandwidth EATEN
Coincidentally, the more popular entries are the ones that eat a lot of bandwidth. In February, I had to apply for a 2GB bandwidth allowance, thanks to my stupid Jenna Jameson Ringtone. Then just last week I had to upgrade it AGAIN to 3GB.
Search phrase
From the search keyphrase above, you can tell that the most popular entry on kennysia.com is that stupid vibe4u Vibrating Condom Review. All I can say is “What the foot?”. Man, I thought that kennysia.com can be famous for other reasons. Instead I’m known as the #1 search result on Google for ‘vibe4u’. My parents should be so proud.
Well, I’m happy that Koreans and Taiwanese are reading my vibrating condom review. A large number of them even translated that review into their own language with Google’s translator tool. But you know, those things are never reliable. I’m somewhat concerned that some of my words might be lost in translation. Take this sentence for example…

“I can’t believe I paid AUD$12.95 (RM35) for this thing! This is just one condom and some buzzing cock ring we’re talking about!”

In Chinese, that sentence became…

“我不可能相信 I 被支付的AUD$12.95 (RM35) 为这件事! 这是一个 condom 和我们正在谈论的一些个嗡嗡叫的公鸡圆环!”

For those of you who CAN’T read Chinese. Well, that sentence was…

“I can’t believes I AUD$12.95 which pays (RM35) is this matter! This is cockerel ring which one condom and some humming sound calls we’re discusses!”

Yes, a cockerel ring with humming sound calls. Smart translation, Google!
Anyway, a bloke named Jerry Ha left a comment for me.

“Wow…I didn’t know that you live in Malysia.
I was impressed by your review of Vibe condom
and I introduced this site to my friends.
Hope you make more review about interesting stuff
such like condoms. :)”

Gee, thanks Jerry. Ask someone with a non-existent sex life to do more reviews on condoms. Just rub it in, Jerry, RUB IT IN. What do you want me to review next? PREGNANCY STRIPS?
Pleae parden Jerry’s commang of Engllissh, he are Korean so his grandma is nod vely goot.
Seriously though, thank you Jerry, sincerely. I’m glad that you enjoyed reading my reviews as much as I enjoyed writing them. Its too bad I can’t find any new wacky things here in Kuching that make me go “Whoa! That’s unsual!” However, if anyone overseas do find something unusual that you think I might like, feel free to pop me an e-mail. As long as it costs less than RM100 after shipping, I’d consider buying it! 🙂 Thanks in advance.
Oh, if you’re reading this far, sorry I wasted your time. Haha! You’re probably expecting the usual laughs and tickles. I should’ve warned you this is going to be a boring site-related entry from the start. I promise a proper update tomorrow.
Speaking of that, I think as kennysia.com’s readership grow, other people’s expectations of my blog grows as well. Kim (long-time friend, short-time blogging buddy, all-time pest) once said to me that she felt that I’ve changed, that nowadays I seem to be more concerned about making people laugh. She has a point. Ever since the unexpected popularity of my entry on Annoying Friendster Trends, I’ve been feeding off people’s comments and trying to insert humour in each of my entry. So much so that people expect my entries to make them laugh.
In some ways, I don’t mind that. I like to make people laugh. Yet, sometimes I’m just not in the mood. Sometimes I’m just upset at the way things are going in my life. How weak my father is. How much I hate people forcing (yes, FORCING) their religion onto us. People who promise us miracles, like 932 other religions out there. People who waltz in, promote their God like an Amway salesman and go on and on and on and on about how good their religion is without so much as asking a simple “How’s your dad doing?” throughout the whole conversation, and then they get all furious and shit when we said that we are just not interested. God dammit, get the hint! WE-ARE-NOT-INTERESTED in your religion!
Luggage

Oh what have you done? My dad has gone hiding in his luggage bag thanks to all these religious promoters!

Anyway my point is, please don’t treat kennysia.com like jokes.com. Please don’t expect jokes everyday because this is, after all, my personal online diary. Just like everyone else, I go through a wide range of emotions every different day. I may joke, I may not – one thing for sure, everytime you read this space, you’re getting the real and truthful me. And I’ll appreciate that.
Riggghhhttttt, proper updates tomorrow!
Update : Since posting this entry up, there are reports of another major earthquake near Sumatra. No, I swear this one isn’t caused by my testicles.
Seriously though, I hope that a repeat of last year’s tragedy does not occur and that casualties be kept as close to zero as possible. Please pray.
Another charity concert, anyone?

Those Sweet Young Things from Singapore

I noticed that Singaporean girls are notoriously quick to follow the latest fashion trends.
The last time I was in Singapore was two years ago. Back then, the look of the season was that perfectly straight rebonded hair. I’m not surprised why that hairstyle is so popular since I know a lot of girls who wanted that perfect straight hair seen only on Taiwanese celebrities and Pantene commercials. Rebonded hair could instantaneously transform an otherwise bland and ordinary girl off the streets into a sizzling hot sexy babe like Jolin.
Jolin with her rebonded hair

Pay RM300 to rebond your hair and look like Jolin!

When I was in Singapore that time, I remembered sitting alone in the Jurong East MRT interchange.
Picture this scene.
A train arrived. Doors opened. Out came a Jolin Tsai lookalike with her long straight hair gracefully flowing in the wind. I looked at her. Everything turned into slow-motion. She smiled. My heart skipped a bit. My eyes fixated on her beauty. My drool dripping on the magazine I was reading.
Just as she walked past me, another Jolin lookalike walked out. And another one. And another one. Then another one. They look like angels. All with rebonded hair.
Heaven MRT station

Suddenly Jurong East transformed into Heaven.

Anyway, the trend has since died down a bit. I think the girls all got sick of looking alike, so at least now there’s a wider variety of hairstyles among the Singaporean girls. But just as one trend dies down, another new trend has hit those ever-so-fashion-conscious Singaporean girls.
This time round, its all about the mini skirts!
No, not those long ugly ones your high school teacher used to wear. I’m talking about those teeny-weeny itsy-bitsy super ultra-short skirts.
The ones that if you bend over, you will inadvertently broadcast the colour of your underwear and the beginnings (or was that the ‘ends’) of your ass to the entire world via CNN.
Short skirts galore

The white arrows point to examples of the kind of ultra short mini skirt I’m talking about.

I don’t know why, but when these short-skirt wearing girls stand in front of me, it certainly made those trips up the escalators a lot more interesting.
The elevator story

This is an escalator. Now imagine a girl with a very short skirt in front of you riding to the top of the escalator. What do you think you’ll see?

But hey! I’m not a horny bastard ok? I’m not the kind who stalk and prey on innocent young girls. See, when these girls choose to flaunt their ASS-ets and display the colour of their G-strings to me, its hard. Its really hard.
Hard as in… difficult. Not hard as in… penis… hard. No misunderstanding? Good.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Walking along Orchard Road, I can’t help but noticed that the lasses in Singapore have adopted a much liberal sense of dressing compared to our Malaysian counterparts. Maybe its the hot and humid Singapore weather, but there’s a galore of bared mid-riffs, cute spaghettis and short skirts on their 40kg frame. Sometimes I wonder what kinda water Singaporean girls drink to stay so slim. Maybe its the NEWater their government has been promoting.
Where did NEWater come from?

Wanna know how Singaporean girls managed to stay so slim?

Another thing I noticed is the number of lesbians openly showing their affection along Orchard Road. More lesbians than gays apprently. So, Lainie was right. There are plenty of gays and lesbians in Singapore, definitely a lot more compared to before.
Then, it hit me. If a large number of Singaporean women are lesbians, and those that are not lesbians are angmoh-loving SPGs, wouldn’t there be a distinct lack of Singaporean-men-loving straight women?
House of Fury preview

“Really ah? Ya hor?”

I mean… think about it! Most Singaporean men right out of army are suave, well built, well educated and have a good sense of humour. These are good quality men! Even if MOST of them hooked up with Singaporean girls, there are STILL going to be a lot of single Singaporean men left out there because the rest of the Singaporean girls are either (A) lesbian or (B) prefer white bread.
Gee, I wonder where can these poor Singaporean men can find their girlfriends then. Malaysia?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
When my parents and I were in Singapore, I was always the one to get them food since my father isn’t very mobile and my mother has to stay by his side. I was lucky since Far East Plaza is just across the road from the hotel I was staying. Two years ago, Far East Plaza remind me very much of Kuching’s Hopoh or KL’s Sungai Wang, in that they sell mostly budget items and the closest thing they have to designer brands are imitated ones.
This time round I noticed a lot more creative, youthful and funky shops popping up. I like it how the young proprietors get so creative in the design of their shop and the display of their products.
One of the more interesting shop is InQBox, which looks more like an art gallery than a clothing/accessories shop. I went in there and one T-shirt immediately caught my eye.
LocalBrand T-shirt

The ‘Blind’ T-shirt, featuring the embossed print for the word ‘Blind’ in Braille.

What’s so special about this T-shirt you say? Well, I dunno. For a start, its LocalBrand.
LocalBrand logo
And they seem to have a promotion going on.
LocalBrand promotion
That is the reason why I bought the T-shirt.
Oh shit, what have I done?
Yes, I got the 20% discount.
I am ashamed.
I know.
Shut up.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
‘Love’ is a funny thing.
Love can happen in the most unexpected places, under the most unexpected circumstance. A split second of contact can leave an impression that last for eternity.
They say love is blind.
They say there’s no such thing as love at first sight.
These people do not know love. They do not know fate.
But I know.
I KNOW!
I know, because I have experienced it.
We met in the most unlikely of places.
It was but a mere split second, but seeing her made me think twice about the relationship I’m in right now. It made me think twice about continuing this whole long distance thing.
Funny how such a brief moment of contact with someone you’ve never met before can change one’s life, and one’s perception on life.
Yet.
Deep down inside, I know what I want.
It was a difficult choice, almost an impossible one to make.
But I know, one thing for sure, is that – I – love – her.
Impossible as it may seem, but one day, she shall be mine.

It takes time.

Lamborghini
But one day, she will be mine.
You just wait and see.

Lamborghini washed.

Back from Singapore

Yes, I’m back from Singapore and there’s lots of write about. Since its a long entry, I’ll split it into two separate entries.
I was in Singapore for the past two days, not for holidays, but I had to bring my parents there for, shall we say, religious reasons.
Leaving Kuching

The distinct difference in the landscape between Kuching and Singapore.

I like Singapore. I know I’ve mildly bashed those Singaporeans before, but the matter of fact is that I actually like Singapore. Kuching is my hometown and I would return here eventually. But if I were given a choice between Kuching, Perth, KL and Singapore where to live, work and play for the next ten years I’d most likely choose Singapore.
The island nation is clean, safe and most importantly there are decent gyms around. With the Singaporean people, I find that I share their sense of humour and I like how we are so in-tuned with many of our thinkings. Shit, sometimes I even find myself reading Singaporean newspapers and FHM Singapore instead of ours. But seriously, in my opinion, there’s no other place on Earth that is as livable, fun and as culturally-similar to Kuching as the city-state itself. And I love it.
That being said, I won’t stop myself from bashing it if I had the chance. Heh.
Inside the cab

One of the cab drivers I had a great conversation with about… you guessed it – politics!

Upon arrival at Changi Airport, we hailed a cab to get to our hotel. Singaporean cab drivers are naturally chatty and I’ve had great conversations with almost all the cab drivers we’ve met. Most of the time we talked about Singaporean politics and bitched about the government. Come to think about it, a lot of these cab drivers are quite disgruntled about the ruling People’s Action Party. They whined about how bureaucratic the government is and bashed them relentlessly, while I just sit back and enjoy the show.
Inside the cab

Cab drivers in Singapore – the looming threat to the stability of the Singaporean government.

I have no idea why these cab drivers are so unhappy, but I reckon if all the Singaporean taxi drivers get together and form a political party they’re gonna have a pretty good chance of winning the elections.
PAP Vs TDP

People’s Action Party Vs Taxi Drivers Party – Will we ever see this? Maybe. Just maybe! 🙂

We stayed at the Royal Plaza Hotel on Scotts, which is a five star hotel right smack in the middle of the Orchard area. Now, before you all go “Yalah yalah. See this stupid Kenny act all rich and mighty lah! Show off lah! Like I care. I know for a fact that his balls are small like rambutans.”, lets just say that I paid SGD$130 (RM300) for a room that’s normally SGD$350 (RM820) thanks to Wotif.com. They specialise in last minute hotel bookings and they usually have pretty good deals there, so I totally recommend travellers/backpackers to check them out as sometimes its worth paying that extra few dollars for a five star treatment.
Stunning interior decor of the Royal Plaza On Scotts

Stunning interior design and decor at the Royal Plaza On Scotts.

As expected for a five-star hotel, the hall entrance of the hotel is nothing short of magnificence. The two staircases on either side of the hall and the classic decor somewhat reminded me of the fighting scene in The Matrix Reloaded. I suddenly have the impulse to fly from one stair case to the other, fighting off all the baddies. Its too bad I didn’t even come close to looking like Keanu Reeves.
I look WAY better.
Wisma Atria

My favourite shopping complex in the whole island of Singapore – Wisma Atria.

I like the fact that the hotel is situated within the Orchard Road precinct. I didn’t spend much time strolling shopping malls whilst I was in Singapore, but my hotel is only a short walk to Wisma Atria. The reason I like Wisma Atria so much is because of Topshop. Its not because of the clothes they sell there since they’re just overpriced pieces of junk. I love it because they provide FREE INTERNET ACCESS!
So I hopped into the shop like a giddy little boy, fired up their Internet Explorer (pfft!) and logged on to kennysia.com. And this is what I got.

Wisma Atria

What kennysia.com looks like at Topshop in Wisma Atria

Stupid Topshop. How dare you mock me with that When Routine Isn’t Exactly Normal error message?!
Bloody. Anyway, lets get back to talking about nicer things, like the hotel.
The Deluxe Room

Royal Plaza Hotel, where the Deluxe Room actually meant an ordinary room for you poor fucks fooled into thinking that this is a five star hotel.

We stayed in a Deluxe Room. Apparently, there’s no ‘Standard Room’ because their standard room is already a ‘Deluxe Room’. Actually the term ‘Deluxe Room’ is a misleading since the adjective Deluxe has connotations of grandeur and luxury. I had my hopes up, expecting fruit baskets and chandeliers and maybe a stripper on standby. But alas, our room is not much different compared to the average Holiday Inn. At least ours came with a pathetic little mini-bar.
The Deluxe Room mini bar

The most pathetic mini-bar in a hotel room ever. Only one can of beer? wtf?

The King-size bed is good for two people, and there’s three of us. So I slept on the bed whilst both my parents slept on the floor.
Sorry.
Obviously, my elderly parents slept on the bed. I can order an extra bed for myself if I wanted, but that would set me back an extra SGD$66 (RM90) and I’m kinda tight-arsed about it. Besides, its just one night. So I figured what the heck – I’ll just sleep on the chairs.
Chairs

Here’s my own five star treatment. Now imagine a full-grown man like me lying on it, with my legs spread-eagled across the armrests. I never felt more like a pregnant woman giving birth.

One hour lying on my makeshift bed and I’m already regretting. 🙁 My back was arching worse than a contortionist and my neck felt like it has detached from the rest of my body. Suddenly the SGD$66 seems like a very very small amount. We were staying at a hotel, but to me it felt more like staying at a refugee camp, except we had air-conditioning.
I contemplated sleeping in the bathtub but the cold ceramic didn’t appeal. Besides, my parents might need to use the toilet halfway through the night and the aroma they leave behind would be too uplifting for me to handle. I decided that sleeping on the floor is probably a better option, so I laid the pillow down on the carpet and slept on it for most of the night.
I woke up with aches in body parts I never knew I have.
Talk about stupid things you would do just to save a few bucks at a hotel. But I guess we all do it at some stage: sleeping on chairs, sleeping on floors, bringing down the mattresses to create more beds and coaxing the girls to share one bed hoping to see some hot lesbian showcase in the process. All part of the Malaysian way of sharing a hotel room, eh?

Signs The Wedding Dinner You’re Attending Is Shit

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* Angry Post Warning: This was written at the peak of my annoyance. Any offense caused to anybody, whether intentionally or not, is duly regretted. All people depicted in the photographs below are mere models (unwillings ones) and are in no way related to the descriptions accompanying the photos.
AIYA! If you feel that my sarcastic jokes were getting too personal, by all means, just let me know and I shall kindly cooperate lah!
Now that’s out of the way…
Not so long ago, I had the luck misfortune of attending a so-called typical Malaysian-Chinese wedding dinner.
Actually I shouldn’t be so harsh about it. After all, the groom is the son of a family friend and I attended the wedding on my family’s behalf.
Then again, its not like I personally know who the bride and groom is. So screw it.
The last wedding reception I’ve been to is of my two close friends David and Geraldine’s. That was a simple affair: a registration ceremony, a get-together over coffee and cake, photos in the sunset, plenty of hugs, and they go home as husband and wife, happily ever after.
Hoping to get a similar reception in Kuching with your parents around? Fat chance.
I pity groom. No, not because he can no longer check out other hot chicks (well, that too). But because his wedding day is supposed to be a special day between him and his bride. Instead, the most important day of their relationship was hijacked.
What happened at their wedding dinner that prompted me to write this entry? See, they have every ingredient in my list of Top Nine Signs The Chinese Wedding Dinner You’re Attending Is Shit.
(Excuse the blurry pictures. I thought it would be rude to bring my digital camera to a wedding dinner, which is why I snapped these photos with my camera phone instead. Yes, I know it was still rude.)

Who Are These People?
9. The newlywed’s parents had invited their colleagues from work, their kopi-o buddies, their chess buddies, their friends from five different associations, etc. Before you know it, half the restaurant is filled with people the newlyweds had never met. Meanwhile the groom’s normally loud and obnoxious beer buddies were sitting in the corner table so quietly because they’re shy and afraid to offend the elder generations.

Man United Fans
8. The beer buddies didn’t stay quiet for too long, luckily. Because after a few rounds of free beers they had forgotten that the parents exist and started singing the Manchester United theme song.

Yam Seng
7. In a Chinese Wedding there’s always that yam-seng ceremony. I hated it because I was sitting comfortably and my seat had the moulded shape of my ass, but I had to stand because everyone else was standing.

Uncle and Auntie singing
6. There’s always that over-enthusiastic 40+ year old uncle/auntie who goes on stage and sing some stupid songs from the 70s like Ai Bia Jia Eh Ia (‘work hard and you shall win’). This old couple “sang” a song called Nang Wang Yi Ye Chin (‘Unforgettable One Night Stand’). What the fish? This is a goddamn wedding dinner! Take your wrinkly one-night-stand ass to the nearest budget hotel, you two dinosaurs!

Bad singers
5. If its not some 40-year-old uncle, then its that old classmate of the bride who was rejected by Trashcan Idol singing karaoke. Excuse me, we still need to eat here! What the hell is a karaoke machine doing in a wedding ceremony anyway? A karaoke machine belongs to a KTV lounge, not in a restaurant where people have to eat!

Baby crying
4. Somehow somewhere there’s always a baby crying. Maybe its a warning signal to the newly-weds of the things to come.

3. If its not some crying baby, then its those hyperactive kids wearing those… those… shoes.
Roller wheels
Gah, how do I explain it? Its these shoes!
Roller wheels
You know, the ones that come with those built-in wheels that make them slide. I HATE THEM! There’s nothing more annoying than to have to walk across a hall, and them have some kid glide past you like a ghost! Who the heck invented those things? Makes me just want to cut off their balls, put them into one of these shoes and slide them away into oblivion. Dammit I hate those shoes!

Wet towel
2. A plate of yummy fried chicken is served and you just wanted to gobble it all up because you’ve been waited 2 hours for your dinner (stupid invitation card asked us to come at 6pm and its now 8). But you can’t because there’s an elderly person sharing the same table with you. So you look at the food and he looks at the food and you look at him and he looks at you, and then you courteously ask the old man to ‘jiak’ (eat) but then he quickly replied ‘jiak-jiak-jiak-jiak-jiak’ in rapid succession. Feeling defeated because he said ‘jiak’ five times and you only said it once, you proceed to use your chopstick to pick up a piece of chicken and put it at the old man’s plate, but then he acted like its an atomic bomb and shouted ‘no! no! no! you first you first!’ while he put the chicken back into your plate, so you have to put it back on his plate but then he still doesn’t want it. So at this stage you feel damn tu-lan because you got so frustrated you just wanna stuff that whole piece of chicken up his nose and yell “EAT THE GODDAMN FRIED CHICKEN DAMMIT YOU OLD MAN!”

Wet towel
1. At the end of the night, there’s always that bloody annoying piece of wrapped wet towel where people would open it by squeezing the air inside to one end of the wrapper, then hitting it to make a loud POP. OI! Ever heard of class and courtesy? Obviously not!
Sometimes it felt as if a wedding is organised for the parents and not for the couples themselves. I mean, karaoke machines? C’mon! If it were left to me to organise my own wedding, I’d make sure:

  • You may yam-seng in your seat.
  • If you’re my beer drinking buddies, I shall secretly replace your alcoholic beverage with Shandy.
  • If you’re over 40 years old, you’re BANNED from using the Karaoke machine.
  • If you’re under 40 years old and does not have a recording contract, you’re BANNED from using the Karaoke machine.
  • Violation of the above karaoke code will result in the microphone being stuck into an orifice of your body of my choosing.
  • If you have babies who cannot stop crying, please kindly make use of the cellotape provided.
  • There will be no wrapped wet towels. Instead MAS flight attendants will be available to distribute the wet towels. No, you’re not allowed to ask for a cup of tomato juice from them.
  • The flooring will be covered with rocks and pebbles, so when kids with one of them bloody annoying shoes-with-rollerblading-wheels scoot around, they will fall down and I can laugh at them.
  • Last but not least, I shall invite only the people I know. If you’re not on my Friendster list, you’re not invited. Sorry.

Two Extremes of Human Intelligence in a Bank

Just a short texty update today. I’m bringing my father to Singapore tomorrow and coming back on Friday, so time is precious on my side. Obviously, I won’t be updating tomorrow.
I was at an RHB Bank earlier because I had to open a bank account for salary credit purposes. Being away from Malaysia for so long meant that I had forgotten almost all my Bahasa Melayu. I was never good in that language anyway. I always scoff at it because they used so much loan-words from English its not Malay anymore. For example,
What’s “computer” in Malay? Komputer!
What’s “account” in Malay? Akaun!
What’s “sex” in Malay? Seks!
Its ridiculous!
So I went up to this nice lady at the counter, who happen to be a typical Malay Muslim girl with the tudung and all, and I asked her nicely in the best Bahasa Melayu I could muster.
“Saya want to open a bank account with RHB!”

Damn! The whole sentence only one proper Malay word. Nice going, Kenny.
The nice Malay lady at the counter smiled at me and replied,
“Ni yao kai Savings Account hai shi Current Account?”

Yes, you read that right.
The Malay lady at the counter, knowing my superior excellence in the Malay language, does not even dare to compete with me! Which is why she spoke to me in perfectly fluent Mandarin for the next 30 minutes whilst she complete my application.
I was pleasantly surprised to say the least.
I have noticed a positive change in terms of racial demographics in Kuching lately, which I can only describe as vibrant. Today, apart from Malays who speak Mandarin and Indians who speak Hokkien, there’s also a large number of Ibans, Bidayuhs, etc who migrated from the rural areas to Kuching to attend Universities, and they all speak perfectly good English, albeit with an accent but that’s ok. And I love it! Alright, I admit it kinda helped that a lot of them indigenous girls have sizzling hot bodies, but still!
On the other hand, the Chinese population in Kuching are divided cleanly into three groups:
1. Chinese who speaks good Mandarin, but bad English;
2. Chinese who speaks good English, but horrible Mandarin;
3. Chinese who speaks the foul langauge like “Chau chee-bye! Kan ni nah!”
Fake LV Bag
I was chatting amiably with the Malay counter lady in Mandarin. Meanwhile, a middle-aged Chinese lady was standing by the counter beside me, her (obviously fake) Louis Vuitton handbag hanging on her arm, striking a typical rich tai-tai pose. Apparently she’s here to pick up her new AirAsia Mastercard, which is a pretty good credit card that allows you to earn points that can be exchanged for free flights on AirAsia.
Anyway, the counterperson arrived with her new credit card and the lady asked him, “So this credit card can only be used to buy AirAsia tickets one ah?”
“No ma’am, you use it like a normal credit card and the points you earned can be exchanged for AirAsia tickets.”
“YOU MEAN I CAN USE IT TO GO SHOPPING AH!?!?!?” she exclaimed so excitedly the old security guard suddenly woke up and drew his gun.
At this point, I can see the poor counter boy looking at her with eyes that say “OF COURSE YOU CAN USE IT TO GO SHOPPING LAH YOU STUPID DUMBASS! What kinda stupid credit card company would be dumb enough to only let you use it to buy budget air tickets only!?”
But instead, he managed the most insincere smile in the whole world and replied “Yes, you most definitely can do so. BITCH!”
Sorry I added the last word. 😉

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