I am so bitterly utterly incensed angry furious POOH-SENG RIGHT NOW!!!!!
GAAARRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! *bites a chunk off the keyboard*
WHY IS THE MALAYSIAN CUSTOMS DEPARTMENT SO STUPID!?!?!?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR STUPID SCREWED UP BRAINS!!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!??!
HUH! I bet you’re so stupid you can’t even spell the word ‘stupid’!
*mocks* “How to spell stupid har? S-T-E-W-P-I-G… is that correct or not har? heheheheee”
I was actually in a good mood today. I wanted to write about happy happy things like the birds lah, butterflies lah, my balls lah. Mana tau one stupid phone call changed my mood for the rest of the day!
GAHHH!!!! @^@$%$RT$T$#^$%%$$R#@$!@$!!!!!
ok ok ok ok… calm down, Kenny calm down…
My baby nephew just walked into my room. It is very difficult for me to keep a straight face and smile when I have smoke coming out of my nose and ears.
*deep breaths*
….
…
..
.
*smiles*
I’m a nice guy. 🙂
No really I am.
Damn those idiots. Now I have to get myself a new keyboard.
Right. Let’s start from the beginning.
(Long rant ahead, so fix yourself a cup of Milo first)
See, I’ve always been a very health-conscious guy. When I was in Perth I worked out at the gym regularly, cooked my own dinner and watched what I eat. At my peak I weighed 72kg. But ever since I returned to Kuching I’ve stopped exercising, started eating cheap MSG-laden kopitiam food and before I knew it I became this.
So I decided to get back in shape but two things were stopping me:
1. I sold all my vitamins and health supplements before I moved back to Kuching.
2. The closest thing to Fitness First I could find in Kuching was this piece of crap.
Eventually I settled on the Gym Masyarakat and ordered my batch of supplements online from the United States. I’ve always shopped online at Bodybuilding.com and I never had a problem with them because after all, the supplements I bought were all legal, harmless, health-promoting and can easily be bought over the counter at GNC. Its just that GNC never had the brands I wanted and their prices are almost always double that of Bodybuilding.com.
So two weeks ago I got a letter from the Post Office asking me to pick up a parcel.
I headed over to the post office, picked up my parcel, opened it, and immediately realised something was wrong. I got my protein powders, but my 3 bottles of ZMA vitamins and a bottle of Nitric Oxide were missing. In place of them was this letter from the Malaysian Ministry of Health.
For the benefit of those who doesn’t read Bahasa Melayu, allow me exercise my powderful translation of the above letter for you.
Dear Kenny,
We have seized the above items because they contravened the Testicle Size Regulation Act 1984. You have committed an offence which could see you fined up to RM25,000 and/or have both your balls cut off and shrunk to the size of raisins courtesy of our resident headhunters.
2. It is our duty to prevent people like you from getting too healthy. You see, our KLCC twin towers lost the title of Tallest Building in the World to that cibai Taiwan. Which is why it is our goal to beat the USA and become The Fattest Nation in the World. MALAYSIA BOLEH!
3. Meanwhile how much do you think I can sell your things on eBay har? I mean you won’t be needing it anymore right?
SERVING THE NATION,
Forking Ediot
cc. Malaysian Customs Dept,
Malaysian Post Office
(If you believe the above translation was correct, do yourself a favour and jump off a tree)
I was obviously unhappy my parcel was opened and things taken out of it. All the supplements I bought were factory sealed with its ingredients clearly labelled on the side. If they ever doubt its veracity they could always pass it through an X-ray machine. At least that’s what I know the Australian customs would do.
Malaysian law requires all pills and tablets to be registered with the Ministry of Health before they can be brought in (powders are ok). I admit I ordered these because of my ignorance of the law, which is why I decided to “let them win”. Obviously I wanted these to be shipped back to Bodybuilding.com so I can get a refund.
So I wrote back to them (this one is serious and unaltered).
Pejabat Pengarah,
Jabatan Kesihatan Negeri Sarawak
Jalan Tun Abang Haji Openg
93590 Kuching, Sarawak.
To Whom It May Concern
Re: JKNSWK-F-UPF/5JLD xx(xxx)
I received a notice from you regarding the seizure of following items that was posted to me by BodyBuilding.Com Inc from the United States of America.
1) Now ZMA (3 bottles)
2) BSN Nitrix (1 bottle)
I was advised that these items were seized because they were not registered with Pihak Berkuasa Kawalan Dadah. Allow me to inform you that the above items are harmless. Attached are the ingredients of the above two items.
However, I accept your decision to remove it from my possession.
Instead, I ask that you allow the above items to be shipped back to Bodybuilding.com Inc in the United States. I will write a letter to advise them to give me my refund, and they will acknowledge this. I will bear all costs involved in shipping the above items back, and I will also pay you any service charge required to make this happen.
Unfortunately, if you choose to destroy the above items, then there will be no benefits for the both of us.
I hope that you diligently exercise your intelligence and authority in making a decision that is mutually beneficial.
Warm Regards,
Kenny
Attached:
1. Ingredient lists of the above items
2. Bodybuilding.com’s Return Policy
3. Sample letter to Bodybuilding.com asking for a refund.
I faxed the letters last week after returning from Sibu.
This morning, I received their phone call.
*ring ring*
Kenny: “Hello, Kenny speaking.”
Government Minion: “Hello this is (insert minion’s real name) from the Ministry of Health. With regards to the fax that you sent, I’m calling to inform you that we cannot send your items back to the USA.”
“Alright. Is there any reason given as to why I can’t ship the items back to the US?”
“Because we’re afraid that if you sent the items back to the seller, they are going to send it back to you.”
“No, no. I’ve attached the company’s policy regarding this matter. I’ve highlighted the relevant section for you. The company will give me a refund if I mail the items back to them. Have you got that document?”
“I got that. But it says ‘Once the package is received back by us, we will contact you by e-mail and refund you for the products, minus the shipping fees. You can also use this credit towards different products or have the package shipped again.’ They might send it back to you see.”
“I know, that’s why I’ve also faxed you a sample letter I’ll be sending to the seller asking them to give me a refund instead of having the items shipped again. I’ll be asking them to not send the items to me again.”
“I’m sorry we can’t let you send the items back. You’ve committed an offence importing an unregistered [pharmaceutical] product and you are liable for fines of up to RM25,000 or jailed up to 3 years.”
*What the foot? Wanna use the law to scare me is it?! My tempers were flaring. My voice grew louder.*
Kenny: “No, I wrote the letter to you saying that I don’t want the items anymore. I’m asking you to have it shipped back. All I want is my money back!”
Minion: “They will send it back to you!”
“I’ve already said that they won’t. What documents do you need from ME or from the SELLER, in order to convince you that they won’t send the items back to me? You tell me, I’ll prepare them!”
“But we can’t let you ship it back.”
“Why not? You still haven’t given me A VALID REASON why you can’t let me ship the items back to the United States. The seller said they will give me a refund. I wrote a letter telling the seller to give me a refund. So who’s telling you that they won’t give me a refund?!”
*Silence*
Kenny: “Alright. So you don’t allow me to have the product, and you don’t allow me to ship the product back. So what are you trying to achieve right now?”
Minion: (in a defeated tone) “We’re calling to inform you that your appeal is unsuccessful and if you want you can bring this case up to court.”
*I was getting really irritated that she’s not listening to me and insisted on using her minimal knowledge of the law to attack me. I couldn’t take it anymore. I simply lost it.*
Kenny: “Bring to court? For what?! To charge you with STEALING my products?!”
Minion: “We’re not stealing your products!”
“You intercepted the items from my package halfway and you wouldn’t give them to me NOR send them back to my seller! ISN’T THAT STEALING!?”
“I’m just doing my job here as a government servant.”
*Kenny realised he was being harsh and cooled down considerably.*
Kenny: “Look, I’m a lawful tax-paying Malaysian citizen. I’m not committing any crime here. I’m trying to work with the government. I’m trying to work with YOU. All I’m asking for, is that you help me have the items shipped back. I want to get my refund. So I can be happy, they can be happy, and YOU can be happy.”
“You’re importing an illegal…”
“It DOESN’T MATTER if its LEGAL or ILLEGAL anymore. I want to have the items shipped back. I WANT MY MONEY BACK.”
*Long silence*
Minion: (very quickly) “Ok, you go to the post office tomorrow after 2:30pm.”
Kenny: “Post office at…”
*Before I can finish my sentence, the minion hangs up hastily*
And that was the 8-minute phone call that kept me fuming till right now.
I don’t know what’s gonna happen. But I’m going to the Post Office tomorrow at 2:30pm and see what she has in store for me. I’ll write about it tomorrow evening.
Or… if I was sent to jail, then I’ll write about it 3 years later. 🙂