Cultural Learnings of Jakarta for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Malaysia

I didn’t like Jakarta at all when I first touched down at their airport.

Worst. Welcome Sign. Ever.

My flight was delayed; the immigration officer was giving me trouble; and to top it off, I waited nearly 2 hours for a taxi at the airport. There were virtually no taxis operating that day because of a flash flood happening in Jakarta city.
Those opportunistic taxi touts were cheating me by charging double the normal rates. They kept saying “Mai jiet! Mai jiet!” (traffic jam)
The only form of entertainment I got at the airport is the very funny Official Jakarta Shopping Guide brochure.

It is Indonesian Engrish at its best.

Dunno whether to laugh or cry at whoever was paid to write this.
“This place is really spoil our eyes!”
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I stayed at the pretty reasonably-priced Ibis Acardia Hotel in the Jalan Jaksa area. Jakarta is a huge old city so choosing a hotel location that is central to everywhere could save me a lotta money.
First thing I did in Jakarta? Walk straight outta my hotel for some yummy Indonesian street food!

This is Nasi Goreng Ayam Spesial (special chicken fried rice) next to plate of Ayam Bakar (chargrilled chicken). I’m not a fan of fried rice, but I must admit, those Indonesian fried rice kicks our Malaysian version’s arse anytime.
Nothing says “Welcome to Indonesia” better than a good dose deliciously unhygenic streetside food. It is so unhygenic, they wash their plates simply by dunking them into a bucket of brownish water repeatedly. Guess that adds to the flavour.
No wonder I fell sick lah.

This is Soda Susu (milk soda). Apart from having a really fun name to pronounce, it is also a damn addictive drink.
Essentially just soda mixed with condensed milk, it’s so simple I wonder why Malaysia hasn’t caught up with it over here. I must have like 10 cups of those in Jakarta alone.
Dining by the streetside of Jakarta is a damn interesting experience. The presence of young buskers who roam around asking money adds colour to the scene. I’m not talking about kids who walk around with a stupid guitar asking for money.

These kids are so organised and passionate, they even had a portable drum set going around with them!
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One thing I appreciate about Jakarta is their large shopping malls that could rival KL and Singapore’s best at anytime.

Jakarta is doughnut city.
There are doughnut shops inside shopping malls. Along the streets. Inside train stations. Airports. And virtually behind every little nook and corner of Jakarta.
I don’t think there’s another Asian city so donut-crazy before. Homer Simpson would have been proud to move to Jakarta.

I’ve heard a lot of good things about Krispy Kreme Doughnuts. I’ve heard that they are so good that people don’t even call them “Krispy Kreme” anymore.
They call them “KRISPY KREMEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Jakarta is the only city in the whole of South-East Asia to have a Krispy Kreme Doughnuts chain. But the only thing KL and Singapore have are crappy Funkin’ Dunkin’ Donuts. Why ah?
I wasted no time and order a half-dozen of Krispy Kreme Doughnuts. With anticipation, I took my first bite into an original glazed doughnut and…

OMG IT WAS SO FABULOUSLY GOOD!
My whole life flashed before me and suddenly everything slowed down to a crawl. This is what I’ve been missing in my whole life!
No wonder people raved about them so much. The trip to a Krispy Kreme store is worth the air tickets to Jakarta alone.

Almost equally as good as Krispy Kreme is a local homegrown doughnut chain store J.Co
I thought I was kiasu enough to bring 4 boxes of Krispy Kreme on my flight back home to my loved ones.
Then I saw one couple carrying almost 20 BOXES of J.Co donuts! Even more kiasu!

But having tasted the offerings from both chains, I still prefer the taste of Krispy Kreme’s doughnuts lah.
What I like about J.Co’s doughnuts is that they have a lot more varieties of flavour, such as green tea and the deliciously crunchy chocolate doughnut.

Gotta love their quirky sense of humour too.
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Bandung is a small town 3 hours by train from Jakarta and it is a great place to shop.
The main mode of public transport here is the angkot.

It’s basically a Toyota Econovan modified into a minibus. The fare to any destination along the angkot’s route is filthy cheap at a flat 2,000 rupiah (RM0.80) only.

It’s easy to tell the driver when to stop. All you gotta do is shout out “kiri! kiri!”. In English, that means “to the left! to the left!”.
Someone like Beyonce is really gonna have a lot of trouble travelling around in Bandung.
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Most people think of shopping holidays, and they immediately think Hong Kong, or Taiwan, or Singapore, or KL. Not many of us ever really thought of Bandung as a great shopping destination.
I’m telling you, you are really missing out. Bandung is the best kept shopping secret of South East Asia.

Jalan Riau in Bandung has one huge row of factory outlet stores selling designer clothing at ridiculously discounted prices. Authentic Burberry jeans at RM35, anyone? How about a sexy Bebe top for the ladies at just RM42?
Another great product to buy here in Bandung are the brownies. I bought some back home for my family and they absolutely love it.

Anybody wanna taste my Brownies Kukus?
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The transportation options around the Jakarta is an eye-opener alright. Aside from the usual buses and taxis, you also have the choice of travelling on motorcycles. Helmets optional.
Otherwise, you can ride on one of these lean mean orange machines known as the Ojek Bajaj.

At less than RM2 for a 5-minute journey, it’s a real bargain.

I can’t help it. But those Bajajs actually reminded me a lot of our sexist bocor Jasin MP.
Slow. Loud. And very, very ugly.
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Travelling by taxis in Indonesia can be quite risky. At the advice of kennysia.com readers, I was told only to travel in those blue “Blue Bird” taxis in Jakarta.
Terrible name. If this were in Kuching, no chance in hell is a taxi called “Blue Bird” is ever gonna last long.
I mean seriously, not a lot of Kuching folks would feel comfortable sitting in some Lam Jiao taxi right!?

“Blue Bird” may be a horrible name for a taxi, but they are the only one with a good safety record around here.
They are so good that some of their competitors had even painted their vehicles blue to confuse people.
Yea, nowadays you can even get pirated Lam Jiao taxis.
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I really enjoyed scuba diving at North Jakarta’s Thousand Islands.
The place. Not the salad sauce.
The water is so clear here you could see millions of fish swimming right by the dock.

Saw some weird-looking corals too.
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A lot of people in Jakarta live in extreme poverty. Some of these people are so poor they don’t even have a shelter over their head.

To them, their bed is the cold hard floor. Even more amazing is that people around them thinks sleeping in public places is a seemingly normal thing to do.

Unlike in Malaysia, homeless people aren’t just sleeping around in train stations or park benches. They fall asleep just about everywhere in the big city. And there are so many of them.

2,500 Rupiah or RM1, for a 1-hour train journey. Cheap.

I had a taste of poverty when I took an economy train from a town called Bogor back to Jakarta. I realised that in Jakarta, their definition of “Economy” is no where close to Malaysia Airline’s definition of “Economy”.

The economy train I took was so bad and run-down that it didn’t even have a functioning air-conditioner. Every few minutes salesmen shuffles their way through the crowded train, selling everything from fruits and drinks to toys and lightbulbs.

The most amazing thing was that the train doors were left open deliberately, while the train was running at full speed.
Some may say doing so is a safety hazard. Some may say this is a complete disregard of human life, but people here actually appreciate it. They like it ‘cos they can enjoy free “natural air-conditioning” by hanging off the train’s sidebars.

It was truly a sight to behold. During rush hours, you could even see young men sitting on the rooftop. Like it’s a perfectly normal place to sit during a train ride.

KL’s train may be slow and inefficient, but having gotten used to air-conditioned transports in Malaysia and Singapore, I was really quite amazed that there are trains in such a bad condition in Indonesia.
One train I saw was so old, it still had the words “Osaka to Fukuoka” printed on the side.
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Chess is a favourite pass time among the street vendors in Jakarta.
You could challenge them for a game, but it’ll cost you 1,000 Rupiah (RM0.38)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Jakarta is a city with many statues and monuments. Like every great leader, Indonesia’s first President Sukarno enjoys building a lot of those bloody things to commemorate his legacy.
The most famous of all is its national landmark – Monas.

This 137m tall structure was commissioned by President Sukarno when he was at the height of his power, but too bad the fella was overthrown before he could finished it. As a result, the Monas was also affectionately known as Sukarno’s Last Erection.
Why do great country leaders always build huge, phallic symbols during their reign? To show off their manhood?
Of course, Sukarno wasn’t the only country leader who erected a big giant penis-like structure for his people. Not wanting to be outdone by our neighbour, Malaysia too, had a great leader who erected something even bigger.


Gotta wonder the hidden meaning behind that structure eh? 😉

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Sexy Back

Maybe it’s those deliciously unhygenic street-side food I had in Jakarta, but I wasn’t feeling too well ever since I returned home yesterday.

My face was pale, my feet were sore and my nose was running a marathon non-stop.
Off I went to visit my foot reflexologist at BDC to help me feel a bit better. But barely 10 minutes into my session, my therapist looked at my condition and suggested that I should try “fire cupping” instead. She said and I quote, that it’s gonna help me “suck the toxins out of my body”. Okayyyy!
That sounds helluva interesting eventhough I didn’t know what the hell “fire cupping” was about. But I was willing to try anyway. So I was led into a private room. She asked me to take off my shirt as she slowly dimmed the lights…
60 minutes and a lot of screaming later, I was left with this.


Oh. My. Gawd.
Tell me I don’t look like I was being raped by a giant freaking octopus!

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Stupid Escalators

Spotted this outside Senayan City Mall – one of the many upmarket shopping centres in Jakarta catered towards the rich tai tais.
Is this even necessary?

C’mon guys, it’s just five steps. FIVE!
Not like we’re asking you to climb Mount Kinabalu, ok?

Apparently in Indonesia, escalators need to wear high heels too.

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Hiding Money

I’m rich! I’m rich! I’m a millionaire!

A million Indonesian Rupiah-aire that is. Which, according to today’s exchange rate is exactly RM384.90 only.
Still, it feels good to call myself a millionaire eventhough it’s a different currency. I mean, I always dreamed of swimming in a pool of dollar notes when I strike it rich one day.

Anyway, the reason why I’m converting my Ringgits to Rupiahs is because it’s the long weekend here in Sarawak and I’m using the opportunity to take a 4-day trip to Jakarta. I have never stepped foot to Indonesia before, so this is gonna be my exciting virgin trip into the country we only know as the main exporter of maids, terrorists, earthquakes and The Annual Haze™.
I hope language wouldn’t be a problem for me here. Although I used to have heaps of Indonesian friends back in Australia, the only Indonesian word they ever taught me was “ngentot”. And I don’t even know what the hell that means.

Indonesia has been in the news a lot lately. Not necessarily for the right reasons though.
Because the income gap between the rich and the poor is so huge, people in cities like Jakarta is notorious for scamming, pickpocketing and mugging, even under broad daylight. Jakarta isn’t exactly the safest city in South-East Asia, and to make things worse I’m gonna be travelling over there all alone.
A tourist like me is definitely gonna look like a walking ATM machine waiting to be robbed in Jakarta.

Why did the ATM machine cross the road?

Having gone through the nightmare of losing all my money in a foreign country before, I certainly wouldn’t wanna repeat the same hellish experience over again.
To prevent the worst from happening, I came up with the brilliant idea of hiding my stacks of cash in different compartments.
In the very likely scenario that I do get mugged or have my wallet stolen, at least they’ll just take what’s inside my wallet and I would still have some Rupiahs covertly stashed away in my bag.

.. in my jeans pocket.

… inside my underwear.

… inside my socks.

… and heck, even underneath my shoes.

Then, with all my cash safely hidden away, I will just pretend to walk around the streets of Jakarta as innocently as possible.


Nah, don’t think anyone’s gonna rob me!

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SEGi College Malaysia Main Campus @ Kota Damansara

SEGi College Malaysia recently unveiled their brand new flagship campus in Kota Damansara. I was invited over to write about them during their Open Day and OMG it was HUUUUUGGEEEEE.

As if everything in Damansara is not big enough.
People here already live in HUGE condos, walk around HUGE shopping malls and living off their HUGE paychecks. With the addition of the college campus, Kota Damansara has just gotten bigger.

I thought their new campus building looks kinda like a mosque from the outside, but SEGi College insists that it was Roman-inspired. Whatever lah.
Seriously though, I won’t be surprised if our Prime Minister mistakenly walked into it because SEGi College looks so much like his office in Putrajaya.

The whole campus looks straight-up spectacular. Walking up some huge staircase into their lobby, I was like “Whoa! This isn’t a place where people come to study. This is a 5-star hotel!”
Reinforcing the whole Roman theme are some more Roman statues scattered all over the place.

The place is so Roman, I felt like I should come in here wearing a toga.

Don’t you think this picture looks FUNNY?
It’s like the statue is trying to tell the little boy something.


Haha.
Anyway, I embeded myself to a student counsellor and took the tour around campus.

The whole place just looks downright amazing. Places of education used to resemble more like a prison, so this is quite a pleasant change.

They really pamper their student these days. The outdoor setting tastefully decorated with plants and statues; the indoor area all fully air-conditioned and equipped with wireless internet so students don’t have to break a sweat when they’re cramming for exams.

SEGi College has been around for 30 years and is the country’s largest group of private colleges.
The new Kota Damansara campus is now accepting July-intake students, offering courses ranging from the more popular ones like business and engineering …

… to creative arts …

… to the more niche ones like psychology and nursing.

Speaking of nursing, their nursing department put on the most interesting exhibition ever.
I had so much fun with their displays. Like scolding them.


“OI! USE YOUR BRAIN LAH! No brain ah?! Nah, give you.”


“Hey congratulations. Your weight loss is a success!”


“See lah! This is what happens when you study too much and forgot to eat.”

!!!
Damn skull.

The SEGi College Kota Damansara campus looks so gorgeous it can make anyone feel like going back to becoming a student again.
A hostel is built onsite next to some excellent sporting facilities, including a gym, a squash court and an indoor multipurpose hall that could be used for badminton and tennis.

It’s even got a swimming pool located smack in the middle of their Roman-esque piazza. How cool is that?
Although from what I know happens in colleges, I don’t think this swimming pool is gonna be used so much for actual swimming, but to throw your friends in during their birthdays. 😛

Heck, the college is so awesome, it even grew a set of BALLS!

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Bad Name For A Toothpaste

Reader Cheryl sent in this photo of a toothpaste she saw at her local supermarket.

Think it’s a toothpaste of a popular brand?
Take a closer look.

Oral Me! Would you like to oral me?

What kinda dumbass came up with the brilliant idea of calling a toothpaste “Oral Me”? What was he thinking?! The guy has only one job coming up with a product name, and he stuffs it up by calling it “Oral Me”!
Bloody hell, I could think of a million different names for a toothpaste, and all of it would sound better than “Oral Me”.
They might as well call it “The Blowjob Toothpaste”, and it would still sound better than “Oral Me”.

Can you imagine the TV advertisement for this product?
“Oral Me… Toothpastes That Suck!”

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I’m On Yahoo! Answers

In what must be a gross administrative error, Yahoo! Answers Malaysia has classified me as a ‘celebrity’ and featured kennysia.com this week’s Celebrity Question Asker” alongside actual real celebrities like Daphne Iking and Amber Chia.

I don’t know since when I was promoted to “celebrity” status, but I bet Amber Chia must be pretty fuming right now, sitting at home tapping her fingers furiously asking “What?! I am being put on the same level with THIS IDIOT?”
In fact, I think Amber Chia is gonna be so angry she’s gonna put her head on the floor, turn herself upside down and spin around on her head like in the movie Possessed.

Anyway, the question I posed to the public this week is “Bloggers as role models – to what extent do bloggers have a social responsibility to their audience?”
I’m not asking this question on behalf of myself, but I think everyone who has a blog will face this big bad dilemma at some stage.

One of my favourite bloggers, Kurt Low, was in a similar situation a while ago.
Kurt serves as a vocalist for his church ensemble. Automatically that makes him a role model little bible-toting kids should look up to. Like mine, Kurt’s blog has always been about his own personal thoughts, rantings and lewd jokes typical of any 20+ year old hormonally-charged male. I enjoy reading his blog. And I’m sure he’s nicer in real life.
But when Kurt posted one too many photo of Sayaka Ando in bikini and reference to the human reproductive organs, his CHURCH PASTOR called him up to express “concern over contents”.

While I don’t serve for any religious establishments, some teachers told me they have recommended their students to read my blog. Heck, some mothers even told me they have been discussing my blog with their 16-year-old daughters.
What are they doing talking about my website? These are teengers you know. They should be talking about how Sanjaya getting voted off American Idol is the biggest crime of the decade. Not kennysia.com!

The biggest wake-up call was when Mix.fm promoted my site over the radio (thanks, guys) strangely describing it as “safe for kids” (no thanks, guys).
Yes, around 20% of my readers are teenagers and yes, I realise that some of them are subconsciously trying to emulate me. Like it or not, I have been pushed into the unenviable position of a “role model”. That is one BIG reason why I have toned down so much over the last two years.

While my new readers come in by the bucket loads, old-time readers lamented that I have gone “soft” and that I am “not as entertaining as before”.
I know, guys. I know.
Old readers may not enjoy kennysia.com as much as before, but how am I ever gonna forgive myself if some 15-year-old learnt how to be obnoxious after reading my unforgiving piece on FurongJiejie?


I thought the dirty jokes I made back then was funny, but how many mothers who have teenage daughters reading my blog would find it equally as hilarious?


I used to poke fun at myself all the time, but how the hell am I gonna explain to my boss when he sees this?

See my dilemma here?
We all know R-rated movies are infinitely more entertaining than G-rated movies. Sadly, unlike the movies, we cannot control which audience we want to read our blogs.
Don’t say “Oh, I don’t have that much readers so I can write anything I want.” Like it or not, ANYONE of you guys who owns a blog are gonna have to deal with possibility that your blog will be read by a teenager who might consider you as a role model, and in the process try to emulate you.
And if you know that, what will your conscience say?

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kennysia.com Hate Comment Generator

Okay, so I published a blog entry. Quite a few people didn’t like it and I copped it left, right, centre, upside-down, inside out.

It is amazing to read through the 700+ comments and watch the vicious insults fly and the name-calling get taken to a whole new level.

When I did not mention how I helped, people say I am useless in a critical time. But when I explained exactly how I helped, people say I boast about being “hero”. The more I try to explain, the more I kena attacked. But if I didn’t explain, they said “OH!!! He did not answer my question so it must be true!”

As one reader so appropriately put it, “I felt more traumatized reading all these comments than reading about the accident itself.”

nadnut in the process of kicking my nuts at RISK.

If people are more interested in telling me what to do and not listening to what I have to say, what can I do, right?

kennysia.com is and always has been about the quirks, the unusuals, and most importantly the reality of the world around us. Ideally I’d like people to leave this blog feeling a little entertained and maybe learn something new they didn’t know about before.

Unfortunately, with close to 20,000 people reading this everyday, each demanding something different out of me… the truth is, it ain’t easy to make everyone happy. And frankly, it sucks to be in my position.

So yes, sometimes I slipped and I made some people angry. For that, I am sorry. Sorry that I didn’t perform up to your expectations. I tried. It was difficult.

But unlike most bloggers out there who adopt the mantra that “this is my blog and I can write whatever *toot* I want”, kennysia.com aims to please ALL.

I want to please everyone out there, and that includes those who claim to hate me but still come in here and leave me an insult on a day-to-day basis. Which is why to make your job easier, I have decided to specially create this kennysia.com Hate Comment Generator. Just for you.

kennysia.com Hate Comment Generator

Target Name:
Target’s blog:
Target is:
Assume intention:
Insult character:
Attempt to censor:
Quote Spiderman?
No
               
Yes
How many times :
Hate Comment:

Sorry guys, I hope this makes up for all the naughty things I’ve done.

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Blue Eyes

On the streets of Cairo, this frail old lady sitting on the side of the streets by herself. It was 6 in the morning.

I don’t know who she is, or what she does for a living. What I do know is that she possess one of the most hauntingly blue eyes I have ever seen.
It was as if behind those pair of deep blue eyes was a story of despair and hardship.

What is her name? How did she end up sitting alone in the streets so early in the morning? She couldn’t tell me because we do not speak the same language.
I believe that every single one around us has an amazing story waiting to be told.

Most of us think that we all lead normal lives and that other people’s lives are just so routine and boring it is not worth telling. We don’t make an effort to get to really get to know someone because we throught there was nothing special to learn from them.
It is only when we managed to get someone to open up, then we truly get blown away.

Have you got to know someone new today?

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