This is a true story that took place at my friendly neighbourhood pirated DVD shop.
Kenny: Eh boss, you got Blu-Ray discs or not?
Boss: Got! Got! Got new stock today also. Wait har, I get it for you.
The shopkeeper disappeared through the curtains behind the store and re-emerged with a big black plastic bag.
Boss: Nah which one you want? Buy 4 get 1 free. Got Chinese, Japanese, American, Thailand, Korean…
Kenny: Boss, I said Blu-Ray… NOT BLUE FILM!
I know, I know.
I have been absent for a while. It was the Gawai long weekend in Sarawak and I can’t help but to jump at the opportunity to skip town.
I was in Indonesia and had the most fantastic 6 days doing absolutely nothing. Work was the last thing on my mind. Besides, there was no internet connection where I stayed, so I couldn’t update even if I wanted to.
But one thing they sure have is the most RIDICULOUSLY named condoms I have ever come across.
Ladies and Gentlemen, may I introduce to you… VIRGIN CONDOMS.
Virgin Condoms – not suitable for virgins.
So I happen to be in KL when the FJ Benjamin warehouse sale was held.
This is one warehouse sale that everyone was crazy about. It was so crazy that ‘crazy’ is not crazy enough to describe how crazy it was.
Because when they meant “sale”, what they really meant was “siao”. We’re talking about RM500 bags going for RM100 and RM800 sunglasses going for RM120.
It doesn’t even matter that the sale was held in Klang, 40km away from KL. People are still willing to travel all the way there to grab a bargain.
There were queues outside the ballroom from as early as 8am. Within minutes after the door opened, the entire floor space rapidly descended into chaos.
It was like the Perak State Assembly, only much worse.
The ladies, in particular, were ferocious. A whole bunch of them were hawking over the Guess handbag section like the Orang Utans I saw in Sandakan during feeding time.
It was a complete and utter mayhem.
To make matters worse, none of the changing rooms were available. People were waiting up to 50 minutes just to try on a pair of pants.
I seriously cannot be bothered queuing up to get into the change rooms when all I wanted was to try on a couple of Raoul shirts. A couple of aunties were actually trying on clothes OUTSIDE the change rooms. So I followed suit.
I went to a quiet corner of the hall and basically, took off my T-shirt to try on my new clothes. Nobody cares anyway.
Now this is when something funny happened.
As I turned back around to put my T-shirt back on, suddenly I could not find it anymore! SOMEBODY HAS TAKEN AWAY MY T-SHIRT!
What the hell? I searched high and low, but it was gone! Who the heck would wanna take my T-shirt!
Must be these aunties!
They thought everything was for sale until they also took home the shirt I was wearing!
Steve Aoki is many things.
He is an internationally-known DJ specialising in electro-house music.
He is the founder of independent music label Dim Mak Records.
He is the half-brother of sultry Sin City star Devon Aoki.
He is also coming to Malaysia to play at the U.O.X. Play Future party this Saturday, 30th May at the Bukit Kiara Indoor Arena.
The first 1,000 U.O.X. or Xpax members to arrive at the door and reload RM20 to their SIM card get free entry and drinks. Otherwise, tickets are RM73 pre-sale via Axcess, RM88 at the door, or RM53 if you are a U.O.X. member who texted ‘REGUOXPLAY’ to 28881.
This is Steve Aoki’s second visit to Malaysia. If you’ve been to his KL gig last year, you’d know how wild this guy’s party can get.
The club was literally packed tighter than a can of sardines! There was not even much room to dance at all. Everyone pretty much just huddled together, jump at the same spot a few times with their hands up in the air and wave it like they just don’t care.
At least this time round, it’s inside the roomier Bukit Kiara Indoor Arena. The crazy DJ with the long hair is also flying in his friends from the Dim Mak label directly from New York, DJ Pase Rock and Stretch Armstrong, as well as DJ collective Shitdisco from Glasgow, Scotland.
Ever heard of them? No? Me neither. 😉 But it doesn’t matter because they are all from Aoki’s record label, so they must be good!
Now add Los Angeles party photographer The Cobrasnake into the mix. Then round it up with local DJs Twilight Action Girl and Lap Sap, and you got yourself a recipe for a electro/house/punk disco fit to be called the Grand Finale of U.O.X. Play parties.
MTV, KLue, Junk and Tongue in Chic magazines are the engineers behind the series of U.O.X. Play parties happening around town. With these people behind it, it’s pretty much a guarantee that they’re gonna tear the house down this Saturday for their final night out.
Anyway if you’ve never heard of Steve Aoki, Twilight Action Girl, Lap Sap or any of the names I mentioned, then forget it lah.
Most likely it is because:
(1) You don’t hang out at Barsonic on Friday nights, or
(2) You don’t groove to electro house music, or
(3) You’re too old for this, or
(4) You only listen to singers like Mawi.
But hey, that’s okay. Absolutely nothing wrong with liking Mawi. Really.
You can always stay at home and rub yourself all over with this… Minyak Urut Mawi.
It was the first time I have ever stepped off the plane into an airport so damn hot.
And I don’t mean hot like Megan Fox hot. I meant hot as in, there was totally no air-conditioning at all.
Having been to all kinds of airports, big and small all over the globe. I had no idea I would find one airport in Malaysia that looked as if it were still stuck in the 1970s.
That airport is Sandakan Airport.
Sandakan is a tiny town located on the northern tip of the state of Sabah. I was here with Seet and ShaolinTiger about two months ago for an eco-trip.
Despite having an airport, Sandakan has only just begun receiving direct flights from Kuala Lumpur as recently as two months ago via Malaysia Airlines. Previously, all flight connections had to be made through Kota Kinabalu.
We hired Borneo Eco Tours to guide us around. In a place as under-developed as Sandakan, it is usually a lot easier to engage a local tour company instead of trying to arrange everything on my own.
Sandakan also happens to be the Sabah’s second largest city. When I heard that, naturally I thought that it wouldn’t be that much different from KK.
How wrong was I.
This, my friend, is the town centre of Sandakan.
Not only was the airport stuck in the 70s, the ENTIRE town of Sandakan was stuck in the 1970s.
Old and dilapidated, no buildings in Sandakan are more than 12 stories high. There is not a single five-star hotel in sight. In fact, I was told that the locals don’t even have access to a swimming pool till as recently as five years ago.
Another thing I noticed is that there is a complete absence of those big international chain stores like Starbucks or 7-Eleven. The town is almost completely free from the evil wretches of commercialism and globalisation.
But Sandakan people are smart.
Eventhough they have no 7-Elevens, the locals have already discovered the concept of 24-hour convenience a long long looonnggggggg time ago.
So damn long ago that their 24-hour store is now closed.
Alright, before Sandakanians reading this get offended and whack me with their VHS player, let me clarify that I am not trying to bag Sandakan for being old-fashioned.
The truth is, I find Sandakan a very charming and unique place.
So unique that the first thing we saw welcoming us outside the airport was a GIANT FREAKING CROCODILE.
Steve Irwin would have got his hands full on this one.
As small and obscure as Sandakan is, it is not exactly completely off the tourist radar.
The tiny town attracts a lot of British and Australians, namely because it used to house a detention camp where many of their soldiers died when Sabah was invaded by Japan during World War II.
It was here that the “Sandakan Death March” occurred. Thousands of Allied soldiers were killed. Australian soldiers in particular, suffered the most vicious atrocity at the hands of the Japanese army in Sandakan during World War II.
Last time, when the Japanese came, everybody ran and screamed in fear. These days, when the Japanese came, all the teenage girls screaming in ecstacy.
There’s one thing about Sandakan that made me like it a lot.
Sandakan is so different from anywhere else in Malaysia because wildlife and nature here are so extremely well-preserved.
One afternoon, we were cruising down a mangrove forest in a wooden boat down the Kinabatangan River. But it was not just any boat trip. It was a safari – Malaysian style.
There was so much wildlife roaming around freely in their natural habitat that our guide had a field day pointing them out to us one by one. There were no chains, no cages.
It was nature like I’ve never seen nature before.
I saw proboscis monkeys.
Hornbills.
Vipers.
Macaques.
Shaolin Tigers.
(Not in Sandakan anymore. Last spotted hopping on to a MAS flight and escaped to KL)
For me, the highlight of my trip to Sandakan was the chance to finally meet my ancestors.
At the Sepilok Orang Utan Rehab Centre.
Although I have been growing up in Borneo most of my life, I am ashamed to admit that this is actually the first time ever I have seen an orang utan, live and in the flesh.
At the Sepilok Orangutan Rehab Centre, these endangered creatures are well taken care of and free to roam throughout the park. Some of them even got really close to me, giving me the chance to observe their incredibly human-like behaviour.
Sepilok made the Sandakan trip worth it.
It was real nice hanging with my ancestors.
But I cannot help but to wonder. How did these orang utans ended up in the Sepilok Rehab Centre anyway?
Is this where all drug-addicted orang utans were made to go to rehab, but they say no-no-no?
What the heck is this… “Manhood Therapyâ€?!
Why would anyone’s manhood require therapy!?
While driving back from lunch on Mother’s Day, my mom and I had an interesting conversation.
At first, we were talking about my idea for the new business. But for some reason, the conversation quickly morphed into the issue of me “settling down and starting a family”.
It’s a topic my mom and I had never talked about, simply because I was too young/too stupid/too unprepared to start a family. And that’s obvious.
The problem is, I am not exactly a kid now.
In a couple of months, I’m gonna be 27 years old. Twenty seven!
My father married my mom when he was around 27. My sister married when she was 27 years old. My brother too, tied the knot when he was 27. I am the only unmarried child in the Sia family. And every Chinese New Year I kena from my aunties and uncles.
Herein lies the problem. At 27 years of age, not only is marriage the last thing on my mind, I’m not even out actively there looking for a partner.
So I asked my mom jokingly, “Eh… you don’t mind if say, I marry at the age of 40 right? Four grandkids to play with enough already right?”
My mom is 61 years old and she’s very traditional in many ways. Knowing her, I half-expected her to launch into Auntie Matchmaker ModeTM, saying stuff like, “Neh, you know my friend Ah Lian’s sixth eldest daughter Ah Ling is also 27 and single leh. Why don’t you ask her out?”
That did not happen. What I got instead, was a stern lecture.
“You? YOU!? Looking at the way you live your life right now, NO GIRL WOULD WANT TO DATE YOU AT ALL.”
“Every day fly here fly there. Out of one month, gone three weekends. What kind of stupid girl is going to put up with that? If I am your girlfriend right now I’ll run far far already lor!”
Ouch. That hurts because it’s true.
At the rate I’m living my life right now, not even my mom’s friend Ah Lian’s sixth daughter Ah Ling would want to marry me.
And then there were three.
Seems like only yesterday these three walked into the Malaysian Dreamgirl audition room as ordinary-looking girls looking for their big break into the modelling industry.
They got through the auditions, we locked them in a house. Twelve weeks later, we transformed them into these.
Dawn Lim, the confident 23-year-old economics graduate from KL, best remembered as this season’s bubbly perfect all-rounder who stayed out of trouble throughout the entire competition.
Pinky Liew, the feisty 20-year-old make-up artist from KL who surprised everyone with her versatility when she stripped herself of that stereotypical Chinese girl image.
Juanita Francis, the hard-headed 21-year-old accounting student from Johor who happens to be the most inexperienced yet most determined of the lot. Also the only contestant who was never once in the bottom three throughout this entire season.
I think all three finalists are really talented. What made this season’s finale even more interesting is that artistically, these three models are so distinct from one another, yet they command almost an equal number of fans and supporters.
If you want elegance, Dawn will razzle and dazzle you with her sparkle.
If you want casual, count on Pinky to flash her most vibrant smile.
If you want aggression, Juanita can give you the biggest ass-kicking you’ll ever see.
But not in this photo though. Here she looks like some grandma who forgot to button up her pyjamas before she walked out and screamed, “OI! KEEP QUIET LAH! OLD PEOPLE TRYING TO SLEEP LAH!â€
Different girls with their different appeal to different demographics.
The final photoshoot was broadcasted online at malaysiandreamgirl.tv. Needless to say, it was their WILDEST to date.
Dawn
I thought it was bizarre initially why Svenson was sponsoring this photoshoot. And then I remembered that the snake has no hair. “Svenson… hair growth for snakes.â€
As much as I like the positioning and colours of this piece, Dawn’s face was kinda blank. It’s like… she was not using the snake as a prop. The snake was using HER as a prop.
Dawn scores 8 out of 10.
Pinky
Exotic and seductive. If I didn’t watch any of the online episodes, I would have thought Pinky was handling it like a seasoned pro.
After watching them, I’m pretty sure she had already frozen to death. I won’t be surprised if she remained in that exact same position, 3 hours after they removed the snake from her.
I rate her 9 out of 10
Juanita
This photo shoot is tailor-made for Juanita. Even her hair and attire seemed to suggest like she just came back from the African safari and decided to pick up a snake to use as scarf. Look at her so confidently staring in your eyes saying, “Don’t mess with me, BITCH.â€
I love it. As much as I think that Juanita lacks versatility to do anything else apart from those “act garang†photos, for this one, I am gonna give her something unprecedented – 10 out of 10!
Everybody is welcome to attend the Malaysian Dreamgirl Grand Finale 7pm this Friday, 15th May at The Curve, KL.
Who will be the last girl standing?
Last year, I had the opportunity to act in a TV commercial for Mister Potato.
Considering I have absolutely no acting skills whatsoever, I thought that experience was just a one-off thing. Surprisingly, last week I found out I just got myself another TV commercial opportunity.
This time round however, I don’t have a world-class TV production team from Bangkok working around me anymore. We all gotta save money a bit this financial crisis, so for this TV commercial, had to shoot and direct it my own as part of Corntoz: Make Your Own TVC Contest.
Yes, it is a contest. Which unfortunately, I am not eligible to join.
Because this entry is sponsored by Corntoz, and my job is to encourage you to exercise your freedom of expression by making your own TV commercial. The top prize is RM8,000 in cash, so please, do it on my behalf.
All you gotta do is film yourself snacking on Corntoz, using either your webcam at corntoz.com.my (easier) or by directly uploading your video onto Youtube.
As long as a pack of Corntoz is involved, you are free to do anyhow you want with it. Gorge it like Faizal Tahir or sandwich it like Jaclyn Victor.
Maybe even errr… suck it.
Like how this HOT babe made me wish I were that piece of Corntoz.
It’s a real bummer I couldn’t join the contest though.
Because if I could, then this ad that I shot in Britain would have been what I send in.
Spotted this very salah-looking lollipop in a supermarket.
Their tagline was: “Would you like to suck Zac Efron?â€
