If Thais Speak Hokkien

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Everyone’s probably sick of reading the Adventures of Kenny Sia in Phuket already so this will be one final entry about my trip.

Oh and you probably won’t get the meaning of this entry if you don’t speak Hokkien, so please bear with me just this once.
You know, with all that notoriety Thailand has as Asia’s sex capital, I gotta wonder what are odds of Phuket sounding like “Fuck It” and the nation’s capital sounding like “Bang Cock”.

What are the odds of me stepping off the plane at Phuket International Airport, and the first thing that I saw was this poster of a baby looking at me with his gaping mouth, eyes wide open, and these Thai words in front it that reads like “DIU”.

I sometimes wonder if all these dubious names would come up if Thais speak Hokkien.

Take an example. The most popular red-light district in Patong Beach is Soi Bangla. In Thai “Soi” means “Street” and “Bangla” means “Festival” – “Soi Bangla” simply means “Festival Street”.
In Hokkien however, “Soi Bangla” is a foreign worker from the Bangladesh who is very unlucky.

Elephant porn stars. How is he able to perform with so many people watching?

It’s ridiculous. Sexual connotations are everywhere in Thailand. I was brainwashed after just one day walking around Soi Bangla, so much so that when I saw this shopsign,

I was like “WAH! BLOWJOB SOUVENIRS!”
And when I saw this shop,

I thought “WAH! CHEEBYE MINIMART!”
Sometimes, you’ll see shop signs that sound ridiculous, but you can’t pin point what exactly is wrong with it.

I was a little overwhelmed by all these. However, nothing could suppress my laughter when I walked into a dive shop in Phuket, and adorned on the walls are posters promoting dive trips to…

SIMILAN ISLAND!
What kinda name for an island is THAT?!
Man, I can so imagine seeing a yellow-haired Paikia Ah Beng squatting on a wooden bench, floral shirt unbuttoned halfway, dragon tattoo, cigarette in one hand, yelling “OI! LU KUA SIMI KUA?! KUA SIMI LAN?!”

If the island is called Similan Island, does that mean the birds on the island are called “Similan Jiao”?


The Sarawak erections elections are coming. 23 years as a Sarawakian and this is the first time I get to fulfill my duty as a citizen and vote in the state elections. All of the sudden I feel like Jim Carrey in Bruce Almighty singing “I got the power!”

140 Replies to “If Thais Speak Hokkien”

  10. Hey dude,”What kinda name for an island is THAT?” great punch line and the ending with the bird is simply flawless.

    Reply

  13. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
    KNNCB!!!
    Kenny please stop!!
    That was sooo friggin funny man.. the similan one just killed me! I can’t stop cryin dude..
    Nice one as usual

    Reply

  17. Oh my.. Those signs are really awkward, now that you mention it.
    Now.. Should I put Thailand on my holiday destination list?
    Well, after reading your review, I must really consider.
    Btw, where did you manage to dig that Jumbo’s pic from… ? 😛
    ←|←|← o {-_-} o →|→|→

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  20. Wahaha~! That’s so funny~! You make Thailand sound so vulgar..surely it can’t be that bad rite? =P
    But no, I am not bored with your various entries of your Phuket trip. In fact, I enjoy all of them.. =)

    Reply

  31. Oh my! Hahahaha, I speak Penang Hokkien, and this is sure funny, especially the last one! Gosh, I’ve been to Bangkok thrice already, but so far haven’t been to Phuket so haven’t yet come across such funny signs.

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  37. kenny sia wants to be like rockson. But there is only one rockson and one kenny’doggie’ sia. mahai…..continue ur ‘sien’ post and stop it with the hokkien….

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  40. Wah. You are so so dirty minded. I didnt even think of that and stuff. You seriously think too much, too much dirt stuff. But, its entertaining though. I don’t think I’m sick of your adventures in Phuket.

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  42. this is funny, similanciao phuketmak island.
    Last month when i went to Singapore, we order fish call “Stim Uncle Lapan” 八叔公蒸鱼 my friend say “WAW, what is this stim uncle Lanpa!”

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  44. Now I know why my mum taught me Hokkien when I was younger…to understand your posts! Thank goodness even with my basic grasp of Hokkien, I can understand. Thank goodness there aren’t any more topless babe pix. =Þ

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  46. The thai people will make it a point to get the hokkien guy to order crab (Jhim) in Hokkien language. Jhim is a slang for pussy in Thai.
    Guess you are not alone with this thinking.

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  47. That last punch line was damn FUNNY! ahahha
    Anyways, Soi Bangla also means go rent a room doesn’t it?..Soi(Rent) Bang (Room) La(Lah!)
    Hehhee

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  54. oh man.. don’t laugh.. there’s actually a beach resort 45 min drive from bintulu called Similanjau beach ( I might not spell it right, but that’s what it’s called)
    What a great laugh tho…. Elephant porn stars, is that for real?

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  56. lol, actually right, i used to tutor a half thai kid, whose parents met and fell in love when the dad was doing some journalism work in chiangrai district. from what i understood, other than thai, the mum spoke no other languages except chinese AND hokkien, because the family was actually descendants of some hokkien peeps.
    OOOOO
    so maybe those names DO mean something now 😛

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  63. My goodness Kenny! How on earth did you manage to bump into such “interesting” signboards?
    The ones on the Similan Island was the funniest. I showed my collegues your blog and had to explain to them some hokkien terms, and after a few seconds all of us burst out laughing. We like your last senteces the most. The ‘Similan Jiao(s)’ hehe~~
    Hilarious entry Kenny. Hope you had a wonderful time in Phuket!

    Reply

  65. Uhhhh ,I don’t get it.
    The only thing I get is those two fatty cartoons and the b.j. souvenir.
    Well, at least I’m honest!! I know one must speak that language to understand.
    Well, excuse me, I’m going to have my brick fart now. Sia later.

    Reply

  69. Dog heads…..u guys like hokkien so much ah…..GO TO ROCKSON.BLOGSPOT.COM…….kenny ‘dog’ sia is amatuer….if u like that also laugh, u better prepare coffin when u read rockson……..KNN kenny sia…..

    Reply

  74. actually…. u know what? they do kinda understand some hokkien… there was once my dad talked to them in hokkien and then they totally understood it. (asking for road directions la… not brothel) But they can’t converse in Hokkien though…

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  80. you can get around speaking teochew in thailand.
    tat’s how i found my way.
    and do you go on trips specficially looking out for weird signages?!

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  81. Well, Sarawak also has it’s Simi-lan place…. It’s called Similajau National Park in Bintulu… I was over there for NS training… for 3 months… Imagine this scenario if i was asked where I done my service…
    X: You got NS ah? Where you go ah?
    Me: Similajau camp in Bintulu…
    X: Ha? Si mi lanciao camp kin Bintulu?
    Me: Similajau la!
    X: Lu kong si mi lanciao ua?
    Me: The camp’s name is Similajau Camp…
    X: Si mi lanciao name lai eh?
    Me: Chicken ah you…
    (Pardon my rude usage of words… and without translation)

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  82. Haha similajau camp in bintulu that one i know as is in my hometown beside that kfc got another meaning in bintulu too…i also experience this kind of thing last on NS training where we on the way to kuching uitm, we stop on a town named lachau where most of call it lanciao…

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  84. I was really stressed up before reading your blog… but… after reading your posting, it really cheered me up!!!
    Thanks Kenny!!

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  86. wow… similan jiao… new species?
    u manyak kleber… ur sense of humour as big as ur coconuts down south

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  88. this entry of urs is written in a v hilarious way. i hope u deliberatly wrote in this way or else, i really think that u r someone who doesnt posses general knowledge and geographical senses.
    no, i’m not sayin bad things abt u. jus that what’s wrong with similan islands and bj or cb shop? they’re just names, jus like u being kenny. =)

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  89. LOL!! chao koh phi phi tour prolly means “cheap cheap smelly brother” tour??
    hugh: the lala guy is the sepet fler la…

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  96. Just started to read your blog and had some good laugh. But, something puzzles me:- Why do you always have to pose like a macho-man in almost all of your photoes? You aint that macho, are you? Ermmm…. your body it is, not the gigantic coconut balls that I am refering to. =)

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  101. And Phuket’s 2 greatest heroines were the daughter of the Sultan of Kedah (you see their state somewhere in the centre of the town). I bet you didn’t know that.

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  109. Can’t stop laughing..!!!
    My stomach wan “bao cha” liao
    Si kenny, you’re so observant hor…
    Mis’sio’n Im’po’ssible

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  110. Yes, there is a beach in Sarawak called Similajau National Park. Its somewhere near Bintulu. Nice beach, but got some bad stories about the place. ={

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  113. I just came back from Phuket and had a blast there. Similan is actually SEMBILAN representing the nine islands in the Andaman Sea. I just came back from a scuba diving trip there and we spotted manta rays and a whale shark. Awesome place to be!

    Reply

  114. I just came back from Phuket and had a blast there. Similan is actually SEMBILAN representing the nine islands in the Andaman Sea. I just came back from a scuba diving trip there and we spotted manta rays and a whale shark. Awesome place to be!

    Reply

  117. Ha ha…Kenny, I went to Phuket too, The “similan” Island, actually structs my mind too.. “D O I N K”

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  120. Hey, there’s a place in Swk call “Simulajao”…sometime pll misinterprate it as “similanjiao” also

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  122. Damn! The Sepet man fits so well. Damn! Kenny, your sense of humour often leaves me in stitches, and I’m sure I’m not the only one. Kudos.

    Reply

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    Rugby laws mentioned on this site. It’s a gripping sport which targets the grip strength and the active mindedness of a player. American football and rugby league are also primarily collision sports, but their tackles tend to terminate much more quickly. For professional rugby, players are often chosen on the basis of their size and apparent strength and they develop the skill and power over the passage of time. In modern rugby considerable attention is given to fitness and aerobic conditioning as well as basic weight training.

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  132. Heh heh … I’m also saw all this damn funny T – Shirt at Bangkok … But i’m not dare to take photo … That’s funny , Will u dare on ur body and walk out at the street ? …. Try it …

    Reply

  137. Don’t know if anyone has commented on the DIU word. It’s actually read as ‘ngan’ in Thai, which means ‘job’ and is written as ??? in Thai. The font used in the pic makes it look like DIU in roman alphabets.

    Reply

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