Download the mrbrown show Podcast (guest-starring Kenny Sia):
“Zhng My Car – Part 2” (MP3, 6.9MB, 19m48s)
I’m a big fan of the mrbrown show.
In case you’ve been living under the rock, Mr Brown is one of Singaporean blogosphere’s most influential persona. It was actually him who first introduced kennysia.com to the Singaporean audience after ‘brown-ing’ one of my earlier posts. The mrbrown show is of course, a highly entertaining internet audio show hosted by Mr Brown and Mr Miyagi.
One of their comedy skits titled “Zhng My Car” received over 40,000 downloads recently, officially making Brown and Miyagi the most boh-liao people coming out of Singapore since Jack Neo and Moses Lim.
So anyway, I touched down Singapore yesterday morning and Brown sent me a message telling me they’ll be recording the sequel to “Zhng My Car” that evening. I was excited of course. I didn’t want to miss the chance appearing on his show, so I pleaded with Brown to give me just a small two-liner cameo role in his skit.
But Brown Cow had better plans. And it wasn’t until I arrived at the “studio” at Miyagi’s pad that I realised he didn’t just want me to do CAMEO. He wanted me to GUEST STAR the entire Zhng My Car show instead! WAH LIEW!
I didn’t even know what to say! Brown and Miyagi are seasoned veterans of the show so they had little trouble getting into character quickly. Me? I sound worse than Michael Jackson on helium.
With only a few minutes to prepare, I was told the gist of the show, wrote down some key lines to say, and then improvise with the rest. In fact, everything you hear in that episode was done in one take. That’s why you can hear me stutter, speak too fast and majorly screw up my lines like only I can.
Recording the podcast was damn nervewrecking experience but it sure was helluva lot of fun. Watch out for me in the next episode of the mrbrown show, where we talked about my hometown Kuching.
Meanwhile if you haven’t yet already done so, download and listen to the original “Zhng My Car” episode. Then catch me joining Brown and Miyagi in the latest most newest episode of the mrbrown show – Download “Zhng My Car – PART TWO”
Babes of Malaysian Blogs
“I mean, who doesn’t like looking at pretty girls? Even straight girls like looking at pretty girls.” So said Joel Tan, aka Rambo Tan, aka The Artist Formerly Known As Big Fuck, aka “KANINA KENNYSIA I DONCH WANT TO BE KNOWN AS THE UNNERWEAR BOY LAH!”
Wahai kawan-kawan, Selamat Hari Merdeka. Maicaohai busuh-busuh, selamat pergi mati lah.
Welcome to the very special Merdeka edition of kennysia.com.
A few months ago, Joel Tan wrote a groundbreaking blog entry featuring four of the hottest female blogging babes in Singapore. He creatively dubbed them, the Xiaxue Killers – a term he used to describe female bloggers who not only look good, but blog with such a style it’ll make you go Whoa.
All those girls needed then was a stroke of luck and Joel’s entry gave them just what they needed to springboard towards blogging superstardom. As of writing, I know one of them was already featured multiple times on Singaporean mainstream media and one other got an endorsement deal out of her blog. Joel, on the other hand, got nothing.
We’ve got ‘Xiaxue Killers’ here in Malaysia too alright. Yes, we’ve got blogger hotties here in this lovely country, and they’ve been writing such good content I wonder why not many people read them. Except we couldn’t possibly call these girls ‘Xiaxue Killers’. The biggest blogger in Malaysia is not Xiaxue, but Jeff Ooi. And calling these girls ‘Jeff Ooi Killers’ is just… wrong. ‘Jeff Ooi Killers’ sound like people the Malaysian government would employ to plot an assassination attempt on Jeff Ooi for constantly exposing their dirty tactics.
Hey, I don’t need to call them fancy schmancy names to tell you that these girls are good – you know you can trust me on this. Remember, when Kenny Sia says good, its not just good, its DAMN GOOD. I selected these girls because I think they’re attractive, they have lots of pictures of their pretty selves on their blogs, they’re Malaysian, and most importantly, they write such interesting and engaging material I won’t get bored reading them day after day.
I call these girls… the Babes Of Malaysian Blogs, aka the BOMB. They might now be very well-known right now, but who knows? kennysia.com might just be the platform they need to get that job offer, that book deal, or even that modelling contract.
With that in mind, sit back, relax, and enjoy a Malaysian-brewed, Merdeka-boosted, FHM-flavoured dose of kennysia.com
Canto BOMB
Wennie, of xanga.com/weniee and daichafan.blogspot.com
What a great looking… camera.
Wennie is a 22-year-old graphic designer from Petaling Jaya whose eyes emit so much electricity it could power a small town. Wennie is perhaps better known as Ah Giu from the wildly popular Cantonese Blog “Jut Doi Siong Diu”. I hate to admit this but her blog entries are so good, I find myself painfully reading through her entries eventhough I don’t understand the language to save my life.
I guess if you know a little bit of Cantonese, half the fun is guessing what word is what. Its a good thing she’s still keeping her (English) Xanga site alive though, since that is where she stores all her pretty photos.
Gain points for: 1. Offering to teach me Cantonese just to read her damn blog. 2. Her damn nice highlighted hair.
Lose points for: Mistaking Kuching for Kota Kinabalu. Dammit. What is it with West Malaysians and their inability to differentiate between Sabah and Sarawak?
Excerpt:
“now, after 2 months, I re-highlight my hair again. n I require them to make it even more ‘obvious’. n they did. de result turns out to b … OHMYGOD!!!!!
I showed it to my mom.
‘ma~ see my new hair color!!! nice anot?’
‘…’
‘ma?……’
‘ah ting!!! hand me de broom!!! thr’s one ang moh comes into our hs adi!!! call de police!!!’”
Fashion BOMB
Yue Chin, of blackjetta.blogspot.com
Luna the dog doesn’t blog, but the owner does.
Yue Chin, or YC, is a 21-year-old architecture graduate former architecture student, struggling artist, and jewellery maker with an unnatural obsession with Bert from Sesame Street. She is the main author of Black Jettas: Diary of the Drama Queens, which has been in operation since March this year. Originally from KL, but now a resident in Melbourne, YC writes a typical girly blog on life, fashion, arts, and her somewhat complicated long-distance relationship.
YK, or Yekar, occasionally contributes to Black Jettas.
Black Jettas will appeal mainly to female readers who can relate to YC’s experience, or at least, share her fantastic taste in fashion. Also check out her range of amazing handmade jewellery at Black Jettas Design. They may cost an arm, a leg and first-born for the average income earner, but the fact that she’s sold a couple of them must mean they’re worth every single cent they’re paid for.
Gain points for: Looking like a mistress. A bloody hot one too.
Lose points for: Being attached.
Excerpt:
“I think I want to move into the park. Am loving it! Nothing beats a lazy sunny sunday in the park with a good book and a lovable psycho dog.
…
Sigh.
This is what I’ll miss most when I return to KL.
Imagine lying in the park with Luna unleashed in Malaysia.
I’ll be barbequed aliveby the weather, possibly robbed, raped and killed.
Luna will be shot by MPPJ/ DBKL.
Double sigh.”
Funny BOMB
Audrey, of audree.blogdrive.com
You’d be forgiven if you thought Audrey looked like a character out of some Japanese anime cartoons.
It takes a lot of guts for a man with balls the size of coconuts to admit this, but I’m a fan of Audrey Ooi’s blog. A huge fan, in fact.
Of the four blogs I recommended here today, Audrey’s blog is the only one I’ve consistently read ever since I discovered it about a year ago. The odd thing is I don’t even know why I’m so addicted to such a cutesy pinkish little blog by a tiny little 20-year-old girl from Subang Jaya studying at Mt Holyoke, Massachussets. Maybe its her freakin’ great sense of humour, maybe its her occasional bitchiness, maybe its just how cute she looks in a Japanese kimono.
Audrey’s blog is titled *fourfeetnine*, which in case you’re wondering, is her height and the source of many hilarious incidents. Its not just her funny entries, it helps the fact that she has camwhoring tendencies which make her entries always refreshing and always an interesting read.
Gain points for: Calling her father “Fat Her Ooi”.
Lose points for: Violating the Blogskin Sins. Blasphemy!
Excerpt:
“Angela ran out, then ran in and pulled me and Yen out into the hallway.
And we heard:
“OH… OHH… OOH…..” (at 10000 decibels)
People having sex.
All of us just stood there as still as lizards outside the door of whoever was having the time of her life (and wanted everyone to know it) and listened to the groans/moans/screams/whines.
All hands were clapped over mouths to prevent giggles/cries of disgust.
Then Lucia comes running down the hall behind us, yelling “Why is she here! Who brought her in!? She shouldn’t be here! Someone take her away now!”
Angela said, “What? Who are you talking about?”
Lucia continues in an agitated manner, “The kid! She’ll be traumatised by it! I’m taking her away now!”
She grabs me by the shoulders.
I turn around and stare at her, perplexed.
She stares at me for a second and says, “Oh! Audrey it’s you! I thought you were a six-year old kid or something!”
“……….. ”
She fcuking thought I was a six year old girl!
Let me die, let me just die.”
Sexy BOMB
Elaine, of laineylashes.com
This is where I go, “Hi miss, can I buy you a drink?”
Do NOT visit Laineylashes.com if you do not have a broadband connection or your modem is gonna crash and burn. The pictures on her blog take ages to load, but its worth the wait I tell ya.
I know about 3 Elaines who are active bloggers right now and all 3 of them are hot as fuck. I don’t know if its coincidence or a god-given formula that if your name is Elaine and you blog, then you must be hot. If there are any Elaines out there who wish to help me in my uhh… *cough* research, pop me an e-mail or something. ๐
Lainey going all Alicia Keys.
Lainey is a relatively new blogger who burst into the scene quietly just May this year. Laineylashes.com is mostly about her party life, but the focus of it all are undoubtedly her photos ‘cos a lot of photos she took turn out to be quite stunning. If its not photos of herself looking pretty then its photos of herself with OTHER hot mamacitas looking pretty.
Check out her photo series from the Revelation @ Port Dickson rave (got bikini babes) and from the Miss Hypertune 2005 Finals (got chio bus) and you’ll know what I mean. If there’s STILL not enough, then there’s helluva lot more pics on her Multiply.
Gain points for: Being sexy, and not afraid to flaunt it.
Lose points for: Her entries are still rough around the edges.
Excerpt: I can write an excerpt but you won’t read it anyway ‘cos you’d be busy looking at her sexy photos.
Other worthy mentions:
* Annie, of liljooules.blogspot.com
This entry of hers cracked me up.
“yes we know it’s gross of you to be auctioning your USED lip gloss..you don’t have to make it so obvious..”
* Vanessa, of tabulas.com/~vanessa
Don’t worry, she looks better than this
Too bad she doesn’t update as often. ‘Cos when she does, she’s gold.
Excerpt:
“this is the same Mo from Daph’s farewell party last year, where him and the guys got so fucked and they were so cold that they took off all their clothes to be warm. and passed out on the floor in their manties. i shit you not. they thought it made sense. HAHA!”
* Tilia, of tilia.blogdrive.com
Tilia, the Hot Little Cheerleader, happily showing her friend her cleavage.
If you’re looking for something to laugh and have a huge tolerance for the word ‘fuck’, then I suggest you check out Tilia and leave an Orgasm (Comment) on her page. There’s nothing sexier than a woman with confidence, and Tilia has all that and more. Read her entries and you’ll know what I mean.
Excerpt:
“Did you guys read this article?
How fucking desperate do you have to be for porn that you shove pornographic CDs between your ass cheeks just to get it past Singaporean customs?
How fucking huge do your ass cheeks even have to be before you can fit SEVERAL CDs and DVDs between them?
It’s so obviously for his personal use and not for selling coz I mean, which smuggling ring spends money to smuggle 4 porn cds by method of shoving between ass cheeks.
And honestly. Do you really want to get back to your home in Singapore, go MUAHAHA…yank those porn cds out of your ass. And then use your hands to touch your dick. That just seems really unhygienic. And dude. You’re watching something that’s just been in your ass.
This guy. Needs to learn how to use the internet to download FREE PORN that doesnt get you thrown in jail for a year for smuggling porn in to the country. Moron.”
* The usuals, like JoyceTheFairy, Kimberlycun, minishorts, etc… but you guys knew about them already right?
That’s it then, and I hope you guys enjoy this very special edition of kennysia.com. Its BOMBs like these that made me feel so damn proud living in this wonderful country. Happy National Day to my fellow Malaysians. Malaysia Boleh!
Blogskin Sins
Every now and again, I’d do a bit of surfing to find out new and interesting blogs I could add to my bookmarks. There’s a lot of good blogs out there and its easy to be impressed not just by the quality of their content, but also the amazing design and layout some of these blogs have.
A lot of blogs use templates from Blogskins.com, and surprisingly many of these templates were done by 13-15 year olds. Seriously, their web design skills kicked my ass so hard, they made me looked as if I designed kennysia.com half-heartedly with my mouse clenched between my buttcheeks.
But those are the good ones. The bad ones, mannnn… they’re not just bad, they’re nauseating. If anyone reading this is using these skins on their blogs, don’t worry I’m not dissing you. Your content may be good, but PLEASE, do yourself a favour, give yourself a tight slap across the face and change the skin lah!
Here are some of the worst sins a Blogskin designer could commit.
1. Don’t force us to listen to your crappy music.
Blogs with background music are as invasive as having a stranger sticking his finger up your nose. If we want to listen to music while blogsurfing we’d have played Winamp. And if Winamp was playing when we dropped by your page, we’d be forced to listen to a collaborative remix between Norah Jones and The Crazy Frog.
Come on! Why would anyone have MP3s that autoload on their blog? There’s even this skin that autoplays a whole freaking music video. It’s annoying, it catches us by surprise, and by the time your blog finished sucking up all our bandwidth we would have reached for the bright red ‘X’ button on the window because we couldn’t find where THAT GODFORSAKEN STOP BUTTON IS LOCATED ON YOUR WEBSITE.
2. My screen is 1280×1024. Your entries are in a 40×100 frame.
Blog entries written in frames effectively kill the use of my mouse’s scroll wheel, but generally I’m still quite cool with that.
The blog entries are all in that little frame there. All the surrounding spaces = wasted.
Lately though, the frames been getting smaller and smaller and the background images (ranges from anime characters to random girl in provocative poses to some lame-ass celebrity like Britney or Avril Lavigne) just keep getting bigger and bigger. It comes to the point I’m staring at this picture and the blog entry constitutes just 10% of the my entire screen’s area. Worst of all, these entries are usually written in xxx-small fonts and in colours so bright they could make a blind man see again.
Please. We’re here to read your words, not look at your stupid background images.
3. Hidden buttons are not cool, they’re irritating.
Cute, but… dude, where’s the blog?
It’s bad enough having to click an extra button just to get to your profile, links, tag-board, entries. You could at least make our lives easier by TELLING US WHERE THOSE BUTTONS ARE.
4. This wouldn’t have happened if they’re told the readability of their fonts is related to the size of their balls.
Sometimes I think these people design websites not for humans, but for ants to visit.
Try reading this without leaning forward.
How the heck am I supposed to read these words? I practically have to kiss the computer screen to be able to read what they wrote. Yes I know I can manually set my fonts bigger, but why should I? For God’s sakes, make your fonts larger.
I just want to read your blog, not go for a bloody eye examination.
Finally, to be bloglitically-correct, I must say this, “Its your blog and you can to do whatever you want.” ๐
Writing An Ah Beng Blog
I noticed lately there’s been an explosion of blogs written by Ah Bengs within the Malaysian and Singaporean blogospheres.
In Malaysia, we have this Cantonese blog and that Hokkien ‘bollock’. I have to say, the Hokkien blog impresses me even until today. Limpeh still find it quite amazing how that Hokkien Lang is able to spell all these bloody Hokkien words using English. Even his readers also comment in Hokkien instead of English! Waliew!
Then over in Singapore, those Ah Beng and Ah Lian bloggers lagi more power. From Apple Lim to BlinkyMummy to Big Fuck Rambo Tan, to Rockson Takumi Tan’s Talk Rock which spawned imitators like the now defunct Emilio Jackson Tan and the Ranting Rock.
These are all very popular blogs and I admit its guilty pleasure reading them from time to time. I realised that suddenly Bengism is not just a subculture others would look down on, because when you can cuss with style and write words like “KNNBCCB that NKF, TT and CPF!” dammit YOU ARE COOL OK!?
Seeing as how being an Ah Beng is cool once again, I decided to try my hand, and write the rest of my entry in Benglish – ie, in broken English, heavily applying swear words, and excessive use of the word ‘ok!?’
KNNBCCB!!!!
All these news about Rafidah Aziz I read until my coconuts also turn from green to red liaw. That bloody Rafidah gave out 67,000 car import permits, 28,000 of those to just FOUR of her Bumi friends. KNN your friends all drive Jaguar and we’re still fucked by Kancils. Not fair ok!?
Actually hor, I got no problems if she gives those free permits to the Bumis lah. Otherwise they won’t be in the sell car business one. Long long time ago all these Malays sell sell satay and rendang, now sell BM and Honda. Good lah!
But fuck, wanna give permit also have to see who you give it to ok? Some ppl got no caryard you also give, no showroom you also give, no office with chiobu secretary in miniskirts you also give. Give them AP for fuck?! Where you think they gonna store their cars?! Inside their kacheng kang issit?! KNN damn kuay lan ok?!
How come they look so alike one?
Those import permits might be a piece of A4 paper to you but is worth a lot to us. One piece of paper you give for free to your Bumi friends with no car yard. You think they go take the paper and sell car one is it? Cheebye lah you kena conned. They not in the sell car business, they in the sell paper business ok!? Those paper they sell it to all their non-Bumi friends ok!? Not 50 sen not RM1, but RM40,000 for ONE PIECE of lan jiao fucking paper ok?!? CCB my ten year salary also not that much ok!?
See lah now you anger Mahathir already. Mahathir you also dare to anger. LIMPEH MAHATHIR IS PROTON ADVISOR OK! He no like imported cars one ok! He the biggest most powerfullest person in Malaysia ok?! Even me, Kenny Pukima Sia, also scared of him one ok!? Last time Anwar so nice carried his balls, then when he try to fuck with Mahathir see what happened… Mahathir fuck him back deep deep now and Anwar have to pang sai like waterfall!
Mahathir: “You’ve been a bad girl Rafidah…”
Ah then Mahathir scold you and then you cry. And now you say what want to abolish AP! KNNCCB!!!! Already give out 67,000 permits still dare to say want to abolish AP!!! NABEH ten years ago can abolish you don’t wanna abolish. Now give out all these free permits and make all your friends rich rich liaw then say you want to abolish!!! KANINA RAFIDAH!!!
Your cheebye talk so much crap! No wonder they complain the air in KL smell like shit!
Fuck your motherfucking permits lah!!!
Kenny Sia Replies To Furong Jiejie
I hate disclaimers, but since people insist…
Disclaimer: This entry was initially written under the assumption that Furong Jiejie had a part in the writing those entries on her English blog that attacked XiaXue and insinuated that I sent her those photos. This entry was written in response to those actions.
There is no concrete proof to conclude either she has or doesn’t have a part in her English blog. There is a possibility her English blog is a work of an impersonator. Her original Chinese entries on Tsinghua and Beijing Universities’ BBS are still not available. From newspaper reports, it is clear that her new blog on BlogChina.com is NOTHING like her old entries on BBS.
I repeat, this entry was originally written under the assumption Furong Jiejie had a part in the writing those entries. An assumption valid at the time of writing.
kennysia.com is not responsible for ANY comments not made by him on his entries or on his tag-board.
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If you don’t know who Furong Jiejie is, apparently she is mainland China’s biggest internet celebrity. Biggest ego, that is.
This delusional 28-year-old peasant from the Shaanxi province gained notoriety on the internet after posting so-called “provocative” photos of herself on Tsinghua and Beijing universities’ bulletin boards almost daily. Accompanying those vomit-inducing photos are descriptions like “To men, I am the sweetest flower. They love to drink my nectars.” *read in chinky PRC accent*.
Furong Jiejie claims she’s under 45kg. I think that’s probably just the skin on her face.
Nobody, not even sociology experts, can explain why she is so popular. At first glance I thought she’s somewhat of a lame joke. How could someone like HER turned into China’s most talked about internet persona? She is a little bit like me. Not only is her writing a piece of shit, her face is a piece of shit too.
Would you like to drink my nectars?
Yet, each day hundreds and thousands of people from the second largest internet-using nation in the world log on to those sites to see Furong Jiejie make a complete and utter fool out of herself. Rampant opium use in China the last millenia must have fucked up their brains worse than I thought.
Watch my picture and desire me in your mind-heart. How good I feel with you.I know you desire me.”
Furong Jiejie’s vanity and narcissistic streak earned her constant comparison to XiaXue. To me, the difference between them is just too obvious.
– XiaXue makes it clear she’s joking. Furong Jiejie shows no signs of that.
– XiaXue is at least sometimes funny. Furong Jiejie is just… sad.
– XiaXue looks above average. Furong Jiejie is an insult to the word ‘ugly’.
But make no mistake about it, Furong Jiejie IS indeed the most talked about Chinese blogger on the Internet.
I searched “Kenny Sia” on Google and I got 26,900 hits.
I searched “XiaXue” on Google and I got 87,800 hits.
I searched “รจล โขรจโโฐรฅยงยรฅยงย” (Furong Jiejie’s Chinese name) on Google.
685,000 freakin’ hits.
Camel Toe sighted in China
What’s more? Movie studios are seeking after her. The Chinese government wants to ban her. Fan/hate sites continue to mushroom all over the internet. Furong Jiejie’s ascension to fame is as staggering as it is mind-boggling.
Just last month, Furong Jiejie started her English ENGRISH blog site. It isn’t doing as well as her Chinese-language sites. Lately, she’s been seen trolling around the Singaporean blogosphere in an obvious loserish attempt to gain hits from outside China. She made her first move by challenging XiaXue on her blog.
XiaXue, of course, didn’t budge an inch. Why should she waste her precious blogging time on someone like her?
Then out of the sudden for some obscure reason, I came into the picture. Original link here.
THAT BITCH HAD THE AUDACITY TO CLAIM THAT I SENT TOPLESS PHOTOS OF XIAXUE TO HER!
I don’t even have topless photos of XiaXue lah! Even if I have, what makes you think I’ll simply send them out to you? Must pay money one you know?
GAN that Furong cheebye! THE NERVES!
So, I happily angrily clicked on the link because I wanna see XiaXue topless to see if what she said is true. To my absolute disappointment amusement, this picture popped up instead.
I laughed so hard my left coconut fell. That’s SarongPartyGirl, not XiaXue lah!
As soon as I saw that pic, two thoughts crossed my mind simultaneously.
1. Poor SarongPartyGirl. She can’t even drink a glass of milk properly without spilling it all over herself.
2. Poor Wendy Cheng. This is the SECOND TIME people mistaken SarongPartyGirl for her.
Remember THIS?
There’s only one clear thing coming out of that post: Furong Jiejie is riding on Xiaxue’s popularity like she wants me to ride her “like donkey in my brain”.
The worst thing is, Furong Jiejie wants ME to print out this picture and hang it over my bed tonight.
…
Excuse me while I vomit my dinner out.
Ugh.
I don’t know what to say.
Thank you Furong Jiejie for your “sexy picture”.
But I’d rather hang this picture over my bed tonight instead.
Bloglitics
If you blog everyday, people say you have no life.
If you don’t blog everyday, people say you’re running out of ideas.
Anyone got anymore contributions to the list?
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Happy 6-month anniversary to kennysia.com
Having blogged for so long, here are some of the things I’ve learnt thus far.
Bloglitics = Blog politics. It is inevitable. Anything you do or write will be used against you. Whatever you put on your blog, there’s ALWAYS people out there who will be offended.
What can you write on your blog?
If you write about your daily life, people will say that your daily life is very boring.
If you don’t write about your daily life, people will say that you have no life.
If you post photos of yourself in your blog, people will say you are an attention-seeking bitch.
If you don’t post photos of yourself in your blog, people will say you’re an ugly-looking anonymous coward hiding behind the computer screen.
If you post Photoshopped photos of yourself in your blog, people will say you are fake.
If you post un-Photoshopped photos of yourself in your blog, people will say you cause infertility.
If you link and write good things about other bloggers, people are gonna say you’re an ass-kisser.
If you link and write bad things about other bloggers, people are gonna say you’re just jealous.
If you praise Singaporean girls, people are gonna think you’re putting down Malaysian girls.
If you defend Malaysian girls, people are gonna think you have something against Singaporean girls.
If you write about your conservative lifestyle, people will say you’re a right-wing evangelising religious nut trying to force other people to lead your lifestyle.
If you write about your liberal lifestyle, people will say you’re a sex-crazed attention-seeking exhibitionist slut who enjoys baring your titties on the Internet.
If you post photos of pretty girls on your blog, no matter how pretty you think they are, there will ALWAYS be people out there who say they’re ugly.
If you write jokes on your blog, people will say you’re not funny.
If you write satirical jokes on your blog, there will ALWAYS be someone who don’t get it and turn all angry and upset over it.
If you create a personality quiz on your blog in the name of fun, people will say your readers have no personality.
If you have ads on your blog, people will say you’re selling out.
If you don’t have ads on your blog, people will say you’re stupid for not trying to make easy money.
If you leave your comments and site address on other blogs, people will say you’re site-whoring.
If you get featured in the newspaper because of your blog, people will say you’re a fame whore.
If you reject the newspaper’s request for an interview, people will say you’re a stuck-up bitch.
If you write socio-political blogs, people will say you are boring.
If you don’t write socio-political blogs, people will say you are infantile.
If you write in perfect English, people will say you’re a hao-lian elitist.
If you write in casual colloquial English, people will say you cannot write at all.
If you write about Malaysian issues, people will say you’re trying to imitate Jeff Ooi.
If you rant and diss using words like ‘dipshit’ and ‘dumbfucks’, people will say you’re trying to imitate Maddox.
And if you write an entry like this, people will say you’re trying to imitate mr brown.
As a matter of fact, here’s a screenshot of what I believe is the most bloglitically-correct blog you can find on the Internet.
If you follow these simple rules, then I can assure you that you’re well on your way to bloglitically-correct superstar-dom.
Which Malaysian Blogger Are You?
The Good News: If OneStat was right, 6172 visitors flocked to kennysia.com the day I was simultaneously The Star-ed, Jeff Ooi-ed, Tomorrow-ed, and MyLazyLeftEye-ed. MyLazyLeftEye dedicated a particularly touching tribute to me that brought a tear to my right eye.
The Bad News: Cowboy Caleb’s grandmother passed away yesterday. My sincere condolences, mate. Hang in there.
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I doubt I can update this site for the next 5 days, so here’s another mini-game before I leave for KL tomorrow. Don’t miss me too much while I’m gone.
Ahead of tomorrow’s gathering I figured out it would be nice to do another silly personality test. Like before, there’s eight possible answers. So find them all out if you want. ๐
Which Singaporean Blogger Are You?
Introducing sgblogger.kennysia.com
One of the biggest kicks I get out of reading blogs from both sides of the causeway is watching the interaction between the two. Case in point, the sexyblogger meme ended up becoming a cross-country ‘grober’ phenomenon.
In general, the popular Singaporean blogs are a lot more fun and humourous in nature (and perhaps overly so) whereas the popular Malaysian blogs can get a little too serious and news-like. Like wine and coffee, its all a matter of personal taste really. Serious blogs raise awareness and educate, whereas fun and humourous blogs seek to entertain.
So anyway, in an effort to promote and further improve the interaction between Singaporean and Malaysian blogs, I (once again) made use of my rusty programming skills and came up with another mini game. This one is heavily inspired by the stupid personality test like “Which Pokemon Character Are You?” that some people post on their blogs.
Its another equally stupid personality test called “Which Singaporean Blogger Are You?”
It took me quite a while to write this (which explains why there wasn’t an update last night), but I’m quite happy with my effort. ๐ gs I’m doing this partially because I realised that lately I’ve been entertaining my Singaporean readers with fascinating topics such as ‘Racism in Malaysia’ which I’m sure they don’t give two merlion’s coconuts about anyway.
But I’ll do one for Malaysian bloggers at a later date.
Here’s the link to the quiz: sgblogger.kennysia.com
Obviously this isn’t a real personality test. But do visit the whoever’s site that came out in your result, yea?
Try the test and let me know how you went. If you don’t want to put it on your blog/don’t have a blog, you’re more than welcome to spam my comment box with your results. I’m interested. ๐
I did my test too and here’s what I got.
Congratulations Kenny, you are…
Mr Miyagi of myveryownglob.blogspot.com
You are witty, and you know people from places. Those two qualities and others make you a very popular person among your peers, but that’s probably because they want to hear you dish out filthy backstage gossips. You also have a knack for inventing new words to suit yourself. You are a very loyal friend, and would jump into the ocean if your friend asked you to. That’s probably gonna happen if your friend gets too jealous of you pulling all the girls/guys.
Soon, Stupid People Will Be Taking Over The Blogosphere
There’s this two questionaire thingies going on in the blogging community right now. One is the ‘If I Could Be’ meme, and the other is the ‘Musical Baton’. I got both of them handed to me and I’ll answer them soon.
I have nothing against memes. Memes are fun. I admit its interesting reading some of the replies bloggers have to those questions.
Yet at the same time I see frightening similarities these questionaires have with, all of things, forwarded e-mails. Suddenly, I have this genuine fear that soon… the blogosphere will be taken over by stupid people.
An army of stupid people is building, waiting for the right time to launch a surprise attack on the peaceful blogging community.
Ever since their very early incarnation in the forwarded e-mail days, people who send chain letters and good luck charms and surveys and questionaires have been annoying the heck out of me.
I’m not talking about spam. Spam is another issue entirely. I’m talking about forwarded e-mails sent by PEOPLE YOU KNOW.
These are people who are so retarded to type a sincere e-mail, they rely on forwarded mails to ‘communicate’ with you. After a while I actually forgotten that one of these people used to be my primary schoolmates because now I think of her as ‘that girl who always forward useless e-mails’.
Its the same thing all the time.
A) Your generic “I love you, life is beautiful” type of bullshit. Then they ask you to make a wish and if you forward it your wish will come true. But if you delete it THEY CURSE YOU TO HELL.
So what happens if after you’ve made your wish, and I make another wish hoping that your wish wouldn’t come true?
B) Forward this e-mail to your innocent friends and one very boh-liao millionaire will give you a lot of money for absolutely no reason at all. Because you’re worth it! ๐
C) Some poor kid is dying of some horrible disease and some Mahatma Gandhi will donate money if you forward this mail to 500 people. If you delete it you have no heart. Never mind the fact that IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO TRACK HOW MANY OF THESE E-MAIL MESSAGES WERE SENT!
Gah! What the fuck is wrong with these people!?
Sometimes I wonder how these e-mail forwarders think with so much shit clogged up in their brains. Or maybe they just get an orgasm everytime they hit the “Forward Mail” button.
This is how forwarded e-mailers get off.
Thank god for the invention of junk mail filters because now, anything that starts with “FWD:” in the subject line goes straight to my recycling bin.
Luckily for most of us, things quieten down eventually and I’m starting to get less meaningless forwarded e-mails now. But just when I thought I have my peace and all these is finally over, Friendster and its Bulletin Board come waltzing in and HELL STARTS ALL OVER AGAIN.
Oh no! Friendster is closing down my account!
Like, duh. Can you believe that there are people out there who CANNOT deduce that the message was a hoax based on its crappy English and lack of professionalism? I can’t either, considering some of the people who sent me these messages are bloody University graduates.
The sad thing is, the population of morons is only going to increase exponentially.
Chain letters started from paper-and-ink. They have since migrated to forwarded e-mails, and then to Friendster. The only reason for their proliferation is because these dimwits kept hitting the forward button and spreading them. I think its only natural that these chain letters invade the blogosphere next.
As a matter of fact I’m gonna lay down a bold prediction.
“kennysia.com predicts PROPHESIES that soon there will be chain letters on blogs. And that these chain letters will be spread around by stupid people like herpes.”
Here’s an example.
PLEASE POST THIS ON YOUR BLOG SO THIS LITTLE BOY CAN LIVE. YOUR ENTRY WILL BE TRACKED AND A CHEQUE WILL BE MADE BASED ON THE FINAL COUNT!!!
Dear All:
This is the request of a special little boy who will soon leave this world because he has no arms, no legs, no head and no testicles. By you showing this to as many people as possible, you can give him and his family a little glimmer of hope. That’s because on every blog that this is posted on, the White House will donate USD1 towards his treatment. If this is posted on more than 100 blogs, George W Bush will donate both his testicles to this little boy!
On a side note, my balls will also expand knowing that you actually listened to me… but you don’t need to know that.
Just think. Instead of that little boy, it could be you one day. Post this on your blog. Its not even your money, just your time!!!
IF YOU DO NOT DO THIS YOU HAVE NO HEART!
Dr. Kenny Sia
Professor
Center of Research into Human Stupidity
University of Uranus
Remember, you’ve seen it first on kennysia.com!
XiaXue And I Are Getting Married!
Its not an everyday thing that I can claim that I am the source of every man’s envy.
Today is one of those rare occasions. I woke up this morning, checked my inbox and found out from my readers that Singaporean blog princess XiaXue Wendy Cheng has mentioned me on her 8,000 visitors/day blog. I head over to her site immediately and… believe it or not, the very attractive XiaXue posted an entry on her site ASKING ME TO MARRY HER!
Yes, XiaXue expertly executed to perfection ‘The Blogger Method’ in Sassyjan’s Guide for Desperate Female Singles Who Still Want Eligible Bachelors
The Blogger’s Method
Profess your love for him on your blog.
Write about how romantic/macho/hamsem he is.
BUT, say you know that he is out-of-bounds cause he’s attached, but you can’t help but fall for him.
Get your blogders/girlfriends to whore your Blog and make sure he reads it.
Again, let him think you are suffering in silence.
Men’s instinct will naturally want to protect you.
Whoa! Executed to perfection!
Why did XiaXue choose me? She blind ar? Someone like XiaXue could’ve chosen that Alt-F4 wanker Jerry Yan, or that tiny-dicked elf Orlando Broom. But no. Despite me having three-layered cake on my stomach instead of her favourite penis veins, XiaXue chose me. Me, ME, ME!
Heck, she even dedicated the entire entry to me and gave me five reasons why I should marry her. Well actually, I was only featured in a quarter of her entry – the rest of her entry was about how pretty she looks. But hey, something is better than nothing right? At least she thinks that I deserve to be sucked.
Well… Actually she meant my bandwidth deserves to be suck, not me. BUT STILL!
Anyway, according to XiaXue, one reason why I should marry her is because ‘She Is Yoda’.
Now, I don’t get it. WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANNA MARRY SOMEONE WHO LOOKS LIKE YODA?! Can you even begin to imagine what Yoda would look like in the NUDE? Wrinkly green hairy ass and all. MAN!
On the night of his wedding, Kenny found out that his wife is not what he thought she’s supposed to be.
I think our in-bed coital sessions is gonna be very ridiculous.
XiaXue (as Yoda): “Kenny sweetums. Horny I am. Fuck me you must!”
Kenny: “Yes, master.”
*Undress. Kenny mounts XiaXue*
XiaXue: “Mmmmm…. Very nice that feels. Long lightsabre, you have!”
Kenny: “Thank you, master.”
XiaXue: “Ooooh, fuck me harder my padawan! Use the Force! USE THE FORCE!”
Kenny: “Ohhh… Yes, master.”
XiaXue: “Stop you must not! Cumming I am! CUMMING I AM!”
Kenny: “Hold on, master!”
XiaXue: “AAAAH!”
*BOOM! Xiaxue explodes*
Kenny: “Master?! MASTER!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”
Ok lah maybe its not that bad.
But there is still one problem with the marriage proposal though – I already have a girlfriend. But hey, let’s assume a hypothetical situation where I’m still single and available. And XiaXue has indeed lost her mind and decided to throw away the rest of her beautiful life by marrying me. Holy shit, what kinda wedding that would be?!
This is where I consulted my crystal ball (conveniently located inside my pants) and looked into the future…
The Wedding
It is not gonna be a conventional wedding in a hall filled with people you don’t know and ah pek / ah mah singing ‘Ai Pia Jia Eh Ia’ on the karaoke machine. No no no! XiaXue and I will be making history by holding the first ever Interblog-Wedding.
Sorry readers, xiaxue.blogspot.com and kennysia.com will be no more. Instead, the two blogs will combine into one brand new husband-and-wife blog site.
I shall call it… SIA XUE! HAHAAHAAA!!
The Pregnancy
What’s the point of getting married if you don’t form a family right?
EEEEMMMMMMMKKKKK!
Yes I know this picture has absolutely nothing to do with pregnancy. In fact it looks like XiaXue is sitting on the toilet bowl doing her number 2 business when someone barged in and snapped a photo of her. No idea why she’s smiling so happily though.
I put up this picture because I remember fondly when I was very young and naive, probably around 5 years old, I asked my mother where babies come from. My mother, obviously trying to avoid explaining the birds and the bees and the male and female anatomy, simply told me that babies come from ‘the mother’.
“But where? Impossible that the baby appears suddenly for no reason one bah!” innocent little Kenny asked.
“Ummm… it comes from the kacheng, dear. Just like when you pang sai.”
“Really? So whenever I find my sai very big and very difficult to squeeze out of my kacheng, it means that I’m having a baby too?”
*frustrated* “Err… yes dear!”
The horror! Ever since that conversation with my mom, I cried everytime I had constipation because I thought I’m gonna create a mini-Kenny that’s gonna drop into the toilet bowl and he’s gonna die because I wasn’t quick enough saving him.
I hate adults sometimes.
The Children
Now here’s where the bad news come.
Although we had hoped that our child look as cute as Abbie or Jayden, that is sadly not the case.
Meet our future daughter, Wenny Sia.
And out future son, Kendy Sia.
One big happy family!
*sigh* I don’t know, my dear XiaXue baby. But somehow I have a bad feeling that this is marriage is not gonna work out. Sorry!