So I asked the tuk-tuk driver, “Take me to the biggest and most popular massage place in Phuket.” and he said “You want massage? I bring you go ‘Christian Massage’.”


Christian Massage? What kinda massage centre has a name called “Christian Massage”? Must be some kinda sick religious freaks they have in Thailand. I’m imagining them reciting passages from The Bible while massaging my feet. “Cast ye away every man muscle aches, back pain and sore feet. Improve ye blood circulation!”
I was still puzzled over that ridiculous name for a massage centre when I arrived at this humungous pink-purple building.

Ohhhh…. Christin Massage. My mistake.
So I happily entered the building, hopped up the staircase and then OMG!
What I saw was ROWS AND ROWS of scantily-clad heavily-made-up ladies sitting behind a huge glass window smiling and waving at me. KNNCCB. This is not a massage centre! I just walked into a friggin’ BROTHEL!!!
WTF? Before the pimp can even talk to me I was already out the building cursing that damned tuk-tuk driver under my breath.
Only after some asking, searching and digging around that I finally settled for this place instead.

Let’s Relax? Of course. And I never regretted coming here. This place is a complete contrast to that whore house that is Christin. Everything here exudes the first-class charm and all the hallmarks of a private sanctuary. I love it so much I ended up coming here twice in 3 days.

I walked in there and the receptionist politely greeted me Sawadeekarp. I gave her my credit card she said Sawadeekarp. I got my card back she said Sawadeekarp. Sometimes I dunno if she said Sawadeekarp or I wanna swipe your credit card.

The Thai massage [500baht/RM50] I had was absolutely out of this world. My masseuse knows all the right spots to hit. It was very relaxing. I had my limbs bent in the opposite direction God intended them to be. But it was well worth it.
Instantly I felt human again.

Of course, no trip in Thailand is complete without witnessing the sleazy nightlife that the tom-yum kingdom is famous for. After watched some Muay Thai action [700baht/RM70], it’s time to explore the a-go-go bars.

Best. Toilet sign. Ever.

It’s a disappointment ok. There’s nothing there but vaguely sexy girls dancing with vaguely erotic moves. Sorry but I wasn’t turned on at all.
Heh, if I wanna see girls in skimpy outfits dancing like a slut I can just go for ‘Ghetto Heaven’ nights in Zouk KL. They’re much better anyway.

Sometimes even the tourists themselves hop onto the bartop to dance with the go-go girls.

There are easily more working girls than guys at night in Phuket. Walking around the red light district of Phuket, I don’t know whether to feel happy or sad.

Happy because there are so many girls in itsy-bitsy-tiny clothings walking around. Sad because of the desperation and lengths these girls go through to try to secure a client.

This statue pretty much sums up what the sex tourists in Phuket are like.

I can’t even walk from one end of the street to the other without having at least 3-4 freelance hookers all wanting to spend the night with me.

For the record, I wasn’t up to any naughties while I was in Phuket. It’s a bad idea to do that because:
(1) You don’t want to bring back a disease as a souvenir.
(2) You wouldn’t know whether the person you sleep with is a girl with a butt-ugly face, or a guy with really good make-up.
(3) Paying for sex is just… so wrong.

Regardless, sights like these around the red light district is pretty common.

It’s Phuket Bike Week and there were huge groups of bikie gang members from Malaysia, Singapore and around the world congregating in this little island showing off their boy toys. At times, you’ll see a sumo-sized American riding a Harley Davidson down the road, and a tiny Thai girl 1/5 his size sitting on the back.

The Singaporean War Pigs is what they called themselves.

As I walked into Tiger Entertainment, a very tall and manly transvestite grabbed me by the testicles to attract my attention. Hello? Whatever happened to tapping on my shoulders?
“Hiiii, I lab youuuu!” the tranny said as (s)he gave my balls a nice big rub. I have no idea why she said that. But I’m pretty sure she doesn’t read kennysia.com and she’s not one of my fan girls.

Don’t be tempted. These are MEN.

For lack of a better description, Tiger Entertainment is one sleazy dirty fucked up place.

I don’t know how to describe it, but it’s like a food court. Instead of individual stalls, they have bars. And each bar has their own army of girls who will go out of their way to make you pay for their overpriced drinks.

Found myself a bar where the girls were dressed up as schoolgirls and bought myself a beer [90baht/RM9].

It didn’t take long for one of them to sit next to me and asked me to buy her a drink. 150 baht for a vodka orange. Out of courtesy I said ok lah.
She thanked me and before I knew it, the girl was sitting on my lap and licking on my ear. I was so excited, my Big Bird got bird flu.

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The Phuket trip was a total blast.

There’s too much to write and I’m sure nobody wanna about read how much of a great time I had, otherwise people are gonna have this image of me smirking at everyone else staying at home over the Good Friday long weekend. So I’ll keep it as short and sweet as possible.

The view of the majestic Andaman Sea from the plane was absolutely spectacular. It’s like watching a movie trailer teasing me of what’s to come before I get to experience the real thing.

Touched down Phuket International Airport 1pm on the 14th April. As soon as I walked out of the arrival gates, 143 minivan taxi touts were already there waiting to pounce on poor widdle me. It reminds me of KLIA, except they’re not illegal and the Thais don’t make those annoying kissy kissy sounds the KL taxi touts make to grab attention.

“Where you go? Taxi? Patong Beach? 150 Baht (RM15)!”
Patong Beach my ass. The first stop every tourist made is most likely at that tour agency who had connections with the taxi driver. I spent 10 minutes in there, and ended up paying for an pricey accomodation at a resort hotel.

Tour Agent: “This one good. 2000 baht (RM200) a night and comes with big fart.”
Kenny: “Comes with what?”
Tour Agent: “Brick fart.”
Kenny: “Oh you mean breakfast?”
Tour Agent: “Ya ya! Buffet brick fart!”

My bungalow in Duong Jitt Resort, Phuket.

I soon discovered that I’ve been ripped off. Turns out that the prices of almost everything in Phuket can be haggled and bargained for, and Kenny Sia suck major ass in that department.

Hey I’m here for holidays, not to engage in some petty business negotiations – that’s reserved for work. Me being here must’ve contributed greatly to the Phuket Tsunami Restoration Fund, which is a good thing, I guess.

Anyway, I arrived in Patong Beach after much delay. Was kinda disappointed I came a day after the Songkran Festival (Thai New Year). The Thais celebrate it by dousing random strangers with water, and the taxi driver told us there was some huge water fights going on during the day that we’ve missed.
So instead of watching chicks soaked in wet T-shirts, I had to put up with watching bald, burly and oversized bikie gang members who were here for Phuket Bike Week. 🙁

Phuket Island looks and feels very much like Malaysia’s own Penang Island, except the signs are all in some weird font I can’t understand. There are virtually no signs of the tsunami disaster that hit the area in 2004. The tourists have come back in droves and business is better than ever.

The entire Phuket Island is surrounded by beautiful beaches – the biggest, loudest and most popular of which is Patong Beach. This one isn’t the prettiest beach, but definitely the most interesting. Over here, tourism reigns supreme and commercialism is in its full glorious swing.

Every other shoplot around Patong is either a pub or a hotel or a souvenir shop or a tour agent or a tailor or a massage centre. These curious little shops keep the island lively and busy but it gets repetitive after a while.
The town council obviously wasn’t too imaginative when it comes to planning the beach front. They simply just CTRL-C one section and then CTRL-V all over the place.

The street vendors here are among the most enterprising ones I’ve seen. They’re also the most polite street vendors. Always trying to make an extra quick buck of you but never pushy. Everywhere you go, people are trying to sell you T-shirts, lamps and necklaces.
The scene here reminds me very much of Petaling Street. Unlike our Malaysian counterparts though, they won’t scold you rude words if you just look and don’t buy.

I walked into a tailor shop and paid 5000 baht (RM500) for two sets of made-to-measure work shirts, cashmere trousers, silk ties and belts. The Indian salesman even threw in another tie in for free. Not the cheapest in Thailand, but still a bargain.

It was almost sunset when I felt the urge to fly the skies and see Patong from a different angle.

It was completely on impulse that I paid a vendor on the beach 800 baht (RM80) to take me parasailing. Most likely I overpaid again, but it was worth every cent of it.

Moments later I was in the air with a life jacket on my back, a stupid harness strapped tightly around my groin, and one muthafarking daredevil behind me hanging on to NOTHING but the suspension lines of the parachute!

Look ma, no safety harness!

It was unbelievable. I was worried about him falling off more than I was worried about myself!

View of Patong from the parasailing experience

The whole thing was disappointingly short though, but still orgasmically good. There’s nothing like having a 5-minute long orgasm with a strange man wrapping his legs around you from behind.

It was getting late Feeling a bit voracious, I decided to seek food.
Dining in Phuket was absolutely divine. The fried rice was downright mouthwatering and the Thai spices packed in all the delightful flavours.

Their oysters are so big, fresh and succulent. And they’re just 30 baht (RM 3) each!

I’ve had more expensive oysters in Australia and New Zealand, but seriously, these ones are hands-down the best fresh oysters EVER.

After dinner, I felt the need for a some good old fashioned Thai massage. But the entire Patong Beach was FILLED TO THE BRIM with massage centres. There’s even a place that combines an internet cafe with a massage centre!

I don’t wanna waste my time and money on some half-arsed massage by a tranny. So I hailed down a tuk-tuk and asked the taxi driver to bring me to the biggest and best massage centre in Patong.
And that’s when my Phuket adventures really began…

(more, to be continued)

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To make up for the lack of updates while I’m on holidays, here’s something for the boys…



Something for the girls..



And something for everyone else…