naeboo: u work on sat or not
Kenny: i work till 12:30
Kenny: then i work out
naeboo: u work out so much for what
naeboo: see no results also
naeboo: dont waste time la
naeboo: juz sleep la
Kenny: i just started lah doink
Kenny: you think everyone has your metabolism!
naeboo: i think of this already when u say u workout

Kenny: YOU ASS
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Yes I saw the unKenny resemblence too.

All men are created equal, but not all lukams are built the same.

First, there’s your average garden-variety nothing-too-special lukams.
And then there’s Super Lukams.

SUPER LUKAMS leh! Don’t pway pway. Zhng my lukams!

Chinese New Year this time round for me was celebrated unlike previous years. This is the first CNY I ‘celebrated’ without my father.

My other family members had all gone on holidays overseas. I myself didn’t save up enough for an overseas trip, so I’m kinda left in Kuching alone. Not that I’m complaining though. I have real fantastic friends and relatives to ensure there’s never a dull and lonely moment for me. 🙂

Chu Xi (CNY eve) was spent having a reunion dinner and doing the lao sheng at my eldest aunt’s place. Thank God for cousins. In the absence of mom and sis, they’re the closest thing I can have to a family.
Later that evening, I joined Alwyn and Tim watching spectacular civilian-sponsored fireworks at a ‘white house’ on a hilltop near Kuching City Centre.

Malaysia, like many other countries, outlawed fireworks years ago. But somehow these fireworks were able to swim from China over the ocean and into Kuching. These aren’t your average RM5 fireworks that goes “Peeeewwww- poot!” and then disappear just like that.

These are the serious bad-ass kinds that go
“Peeeewwwww-la-la-la-BOM!!!”
And the whole sky exploded into tiny little fragments.

They usually only reserve these for special occasions like the New Year’s Eves. Except this was BETTER than New Year’s Eve. Those ones lasted for a measly 5-minutes and was concentrated in one location only.
It was special last night in Kuching. Near midnight, THOUSANDS of these ‘civilian-sponsored’ fireworks were released from backyards of ordinary Kuching people into the skies. From where we were standing, we got a good 360 degree aerial view of the entire city spectacularly lit up in fireworks.

It was truly a sight to behold. The fireworks went on, and on, and on, for a good one hour. It was SO GOOD it’s like having an hour-long orgasm.
Happy Chinese New Year, boys and girls. It’s the year of the dawg, yo!

Continue reading →

I got a phone call today.

“Hello is this Mr Kenny Sia?”
“Yes.”
“My name is Aina, calling from Osim.”
“Oh, oh my gawd… sorry Aina… I can explain. I was feeling naughty over the weekend and it was just a harmless prank…”
“Huh?”
“What?”
“I’m calling to inform you that the Osim iCare Eye Massager you sent in for repair is now ready for pickup.”
“Oh, err… thanks!”

Whew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
This is my computer desktop, less than 24 hours after my MSN Messenger e-mail address was leaked on the world wide web.
(Click to enlarge)

Goodbye humanity.

Nicole has been in Kuching since last Wednesday. I brought her here after our new year celebrations in KL. We caught up with some old friends and spent some time together before she flies back to Perth tomorrow night. It’ll be another 11 months before we see each other again.

Just yesterday we drove down to the idylic resort of Damai Lagoon at Santubong, about 45 minutes away from Kuching city for a bit of beachside R&R.

The resort is set amid acres of landscaped garden and there’s a huge beautifully-decorated pool situated just next to the beach. The hotel’s brochure said this is the largest lagoon-shaped pool in Sarawak (as opposed to those boring rectangularly-shaped Olympic pools).

Then again, this is probably the only lagoon-shaped pool in the whole of Sarawak. Compared to Sunway Lagoon in KL, it’s actually kinda sad.

There’s actually not much else to do at Damai Lagoon apart from swimming, walking by the beach and admiring the sunset. It’s just a calm, quiet and peaceful place to get away from the city to wind down and relax. Even the seabreeze itself is strangely hypnotising.
I was looking to try some water sports, but the waves were a little strong this Monsoon season.
Then I spotted these massage beds lying by the poolside.

Nothing like a good massage to round up the holiday. I was about to call Nicole over, until I read the fine print.

Eww… Why would I pay to let some other men touch me?
I’m not homophobic but I’m damn scared of letting other men touch me ok. Handshakes and buddy-buddy hugs are perfeclty fine, but I freak out big time if a guy is about to massage me or touch whichever one of my body parts sensually.
I mean, what if he got a hard-on while doing it? What am I gonna do?

Mannn… wouldn’t go nude even if you pay me.
Then again, what does going nude during a massage have anything to do with preserving a country’s customs and heritage? Odd.

It’s kennysia.com‘s 1 year old birthday!
Not like anyone should care, really. 😉 But it’s my birthday and I can cry I want to.

I registered “kennysia.com” on the 1st January 2005 and initally it was hosted on the cheap $3.95 per month peoplehost.com servers, running content management system Movabletype as its backbone. Soon afterwards, tag-board (Chatterbox) was installed, adding much life and interactivity on the website.
By April 2005, after experiencing one too many downtimes and bandwidth overshots, it became clear that kennysia.com has outgrown it’s old host and I made the much delayed decision to migrate to the very reliable Site5 servers which I faithfully stayed with until today. By November 2005, plagued once again by extreme bandwidth overshots on kennysia.com, I launched supercoconuts.com as a sister site to host huge bandwidth-eating audio and video files, and hopefully putting an end to my server nightmares.

The decision to start kennysia.com was made on an impulse and never had I imagined that it would become as popular as it is today. Throughout it’s existence I have made a lot of wrong decisions and, whether intentionally or unintentionally, made a few enemies and offended many people in the process. However, these are nothing compared to the many fruitful friendships I’ve established across Kuching, KL and Singapore as a result of my blog. That, in itself, is a priceless gift that no one can take away from me.
What is your favourite KFC kennysia.com moment?
For me, the following entries represent the best (and worst) of kennysia.com in 2005.

Top 4 Most Impactful Entries of 2005
April 01, 2005 –April Fool’s: Making Fun of Myself
Introducing Kimberlycun, owner of Malaysia’s smoothest pair of legs, and coincidentally the author of that fantastic blog with a fantastic title, “Narcissism Is Necessary”.

Introducing… my legs.

I wrote this entry shortly after I joined Project Petaling Street and became fascinated by the popularity of some bloggers. kennysia.com was relatively unknown back then.
A lot of people hailed this entry its turning point (for better or worse). It’s kinda hard to argue with the facts. The hit counters shot from mere hundreds to thousands after Dr Liew and Mr Miyagi linked to me. This started a snowball effect that lasted several months.
Kinda amazing when you think I was just acting very stupid in that entry.

May 24, 2005 – XiaXue And I Are Getting Married!
Meet our future daughter, Wenny Sia.

Of the five bloggers I parodied in the April’s Fool entry, The Hustler Diaries became defunct, HB ended up becoming my occasional drinking buddy, Kimberlycun and I fell out for some absurd reasons, Jeff Ooi and I found new respect for each other, and Xiaxue proposed to me (fake one lah).
Another stupid entry, but when I think about it, I think this exchange kinda marks the start of some tight Malaysia-Singapore “cross-blogospherical” interactions.

June 14, 2005 – Datuknametoolongitis
How bad can this get? I thought those were the worst, I have no idea.
Until I came face to face… with The Mother of All Long Roundabout Names.

DOUBLE the “Datuk”, DOUBLE the “Abang Haji”, DOUBLE THE OOMPH!!!

The popularity of this entry on Kuching’s notoriously long road names is quite unexpected. I was merely writing about the culture shock I experienced when I returned home. A few weeks later, I heard rumours of it being circulated via forwarded e-mails, all the way to the desks of StarMetro in KL and The New Paper in Singapore.
6 months later, StarMetro contacted me and I agreed to let them publish the entry (for an agreed fee of course). Coincidentally, the nephew of one of the Datuks “featured” felt insulted, flew in a rage and wrote a scathing message against me in the notorious-for-flames Sarawaktalk forum. Ouch. When I wrote it, who would’ve thought something like this could’ve happened eh?

August 03, 2005 – Kenny Sia Replies To Furong Jiejie
The worst thing is, Furong Jiejie wants ME to print out this picture and hang it over my bed tonight.

…
Excuse me while I vomit my dinner out.
Ugh.
I don’t know what to say.
Thank you Furong Jiejie for your “sexy picture”.
But I’d rather hang this picture over my bed tonight instead.

Ericka told me someone at her workplace liked this entry so much, he bloody printed out THAT Furong Jiejie photo and put up on his partition wall. That freak!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Top 4 Most Offensive Entries of 2005
I’m no angel and I don’t profess myself to be one. I want this blog to be the most honest thing I have ever done in my entire life. Sometimes I’m brash, sometimes I’m careless, sometimes I hurt people’s feelings.
Two things usually happen from then on. If I realise I did something wrong, I WILL retract my comment and I WILL sincerely apologise. I’ve done it before. It’s not that hard.
BUT. If I think people are being unreasonable, I will stand by my stance and people are simply gonna have to accept that that’s the way I am. Call me stubborn, call me egotistical. At least I’m HONEST. And don’t give me that “As Malaysia’s top blogger you must do this and that” bullshit. I take none of that crap.

July 19, 2005 – The Siarong Party Girl Controversy
A disgusting and shameful act or a naughty but hedonistic fun? No one got hurt right?

September 27, 2005 – kennysia.com In The Media And My So-Called “Fame”
Yea, I went too far that time.

November 12, 2005 – Singapore Very Safe One

This one I was being careless. Sorry.

December 20, 2005 – “Merry Christmas” Is Another Way Of Saying Screw You
Everyone ignored the rest of that entry because of that ONE sentence that I wrote. *groan*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Top 4 Entries I Used To Be Able To Write, But Not Anymore
What initially started out as a website to share my thoughts and interests with a few of mine like-minded friends (thanks Kim and Irene), kennysia.com eventually grew into an audience that includes not only my group of friends, but long-lost friends, families, strangers, cousins, uncles, ex-crushes, ex-colleagues, current colleages, business associates, my ex-boss, former highschool teachers, magazine editors, newspaper editors, the police, the Home Ministry, politicians, government officials, etc.
The reactions people who knew me in real life have when they first discover my blog was usually one of surprise and disappointment. They’re upset that they believe I’d tainted my image with what I write on my blog. I admit, I think it’s pretty difficult for them to swallow the fact that Kenny, who’s usually pretty quiet and decent in real life, would touch on the topics I did on my blog. Forgive me people, just because I don’t talk about these topics in real life doesn’t mean I don’t think about them.
Regardless, I’ve already toned down A LOT of my act and chances are, you won’t see topics like these anymore. It’s unfortunate but it has to be done. Here are top 4 of my favourite entries that I enjoyed writing, but can no longer do so because of “the image” I had to protect.

January 08, 2005 – United Colors of Benetton Condoms

Ever seen a designer-brand condom?

February 17, 2005 – Ansell vibe4u Vibrating Condom Review

Whose kind of sick idea was this?

April 19, 2005 – The Hustlergate Scandal

One of the biggest controversies to rock the Malaysian blogosphere last year, which resulted in the downward spiral and the eventual blogicide of one of our erotic bloggers.

June 13, 2005 – The Sarong Party Girl Controversy
One of the biggest controversies to rock the Singaporean blogosphere last year, which resulted in the rapid ascension to fame and the eventual fortune of one of their erotic bloggers.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Top 4 Emo Posts of 2005
Because I am human and I have feelings too.
May 05, 2005 – The Last 25 Hours

I wrote this because I want to forever remember how I felt during that day.
May 07, 2005 – Four Days and a Funeral
I hit the absolute lowest point in my entire life.
August 20, 2005 – I Want To Go Back To Perth

Wondering if I have made the right decision.
September 23, 2005 – Ayam That Guy
A meme turned emotional.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Top 4 Hate Comments of 2005
Hate comments and blogs are made for each other. In fact, I don’t think anyone should start a blog if they cannot be prepared to handle hate comments.
Over the past one year, I’ve received so many hate comments that honestly, I’m pretty much immune to it already. I can’t change people say about me but I can change the way I react to it. Besides, these days people just nitpick at every single thing they can. Here are the 4 most absurd hate comments I’ve received.

“You’re one of those with self-given Christian names I see. Pathetic.”

~ bodco, in Kuching Parking 101, who thought it’s pathetic that my parent-given name ‘Kenny’ wasn’t printed on my driver’s license.

“Fuck you lah Kenny,
She is just a little baby and you have to do this to her just so that you can satisfy your egoistic and selfish to attract more readers??? Ever thought about how she would feel when she’s older? How would you feel if your uncle or somebody had taken a picture of you when you were a baby showing your ku ku to the rest of the world so that he can juice up his personal website? “

~ Nick, in Pinku, who thinks a baby’s innocent middle finger is the equivalent of the male penis.

“His act really sia soi bloggers from Sarawak. I got to voice this out as no one would like to talk about KennySia bad stuff or else kenak shoot by him till very the bad. This is true wad. Is he consider as a part of Malaysia Blogosphere ? From my opinion, NO. He is somoene who likes to “hu” the balls and the papaya of the Singaporean famous bloggers.”

~ “kcyap” Justin Yap, in his blog, a fellow Kuchingnite not too happy about my association with bloggers from Singapore.

“OMG.. i don’t comment generally.. but my first thoughts are the video of the CHILD going down the water slide.. is that a bit paedophilic or what?! Please take it off it’s disturbing.. point made :-)”

~ Veus, in When A Good Layout Isn’t Exactly Important, who called me paedophile when all I did was showing animations of little girls in one-piece bathers going down the waterslide.
Funny how in that same entry I had the music video of Crazy Frog with his exposed dick playing, and yet she didn’t accuse me of being a perverted crazy gay frog assbanger.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
For what it’s worth, the journey has been wild but fun, and I can only thank you guys for joining in for the ride. Thanks for the support. As corny as it sounds, without you the readers, kennysia.com will be nothing but empty words.
Here’s to a fantastic year it was and a great year ahead of us. Cheers!

Continue reading →

Happy 2006 boys and girls, and greetings from KL!
Believe it or not, this is the actually first time I’ve welcomed the new year in a city that’s NOT Kuching or Perth. What a culture shock it was.

This is the scene at Bukit Bintang at just 9:30pm on the last day of 2005. It was nothing short of chaotic madness. The entire city was literally SWAMPED by humans!

People spraying each other with cans and cans of fake snow and party strings! I honestly wonder what’s so fun with those things. Can someone please enlighten me?

Sea of human heads. Here. There. EVERYWHERE.

Bukit Bintang wasn’t my kinda place. I ventured out to KLCC Park after dropping my stuff off at the hotel.
There was a security alert at the US Embassy in Jalan Ampang earlier, so I’d expect the crowd to be less in that area.

WRONG. KLCC Park was just as well filled to the BRIM with humans, humans and more humans. They’ve even lined nicely up along the poolside. How cute.
Where the heck did all these people come from?

Maybe they’ve all come to see Adam from 8TV playing host that night.
Being new year’s eve, there’s no shortage of illegal traders freeloaders appearing between every corner and crease of KL, selling everything from drinks…


To lok loks…


To plastic trumpets…


To babies…

Wait a minute. Why would someone sell baby dolls by the roadside? Weird.
Fireworks!

Despite the security scare, the only thing that exploded that evening was the skies.

IT’S THE NEW YEAR!
Next stop, Zouk KL for music and drinks!

Crap, just ONE HOUR into 2006 and already I’ve broken my new year’s resolution.

The theme for the night was “I *heart* NYE”.
I know you *heart* NYE, but do you *heart* KENNY?

Looks like the illegal roadside traders weren’t the only freeloaders here. The entrance charges were insane!

Of course, I managed to freeload off Zouk Ambassador Laineylashes and got in for free. Thanks Elaine!

Recharge was giving out freebies throughout the night. It looked suspiciously like Salem Light boxes, except the contents were:

Kids’ toys.
From left to right, it’s a party popper, this… some sort of contraption to make snappy sounds, a baton used for hitting people, a whistle and two glowsticks. All designed to irritate and torture my poor soul.

Dave Seaman? Isn’t he the goalkeeper for England? What da heck is he doing here? England catch no ball, go become DJ kah?

Anyway, I was walking back to Bukit Bintang when I saw the aftermath of the new year’s eve party. It wasn’t a pretty sight, literally.

Way to go, guys. Start the new year by dumping your junk on the roadside instead of INTO the rubbish bins.
Despite that, I have a feeling that this year will be better than the last. Let’s hope it’s not just a feeling, but a reality.
Happy New Year, everyone!

Continue reading →

Things I kinda, sorta, vaguely remembered happening during the last few hours on Christmas Day:

“Bla bla bla…” Fantastic restaurant with a weird name.

My brother was away in KL, so I took Mom out for a nice Christmas dinner at Bla Bla Bla… She had Grilled Lamb and I ordered the Ostrich Roll for myself.
We caught King Kong at Star Cineplex later that evening. It must’ve been ages since I took Mom out for a movie. I think the last time we went to the cinemas together was in Perth when Dad was still around.
Mom is never a movie person. She’s always the one who sleeps in cinemas, especially during war movies like Saving Private Ryan and Blackhawk Down.

View of Kuching city from the top of Harbourview Hotel

Sylvester called and invited me to Felix’s place for their Christmas gathering. I popped by around 11pm after sending Mom back.
Almost as soon as I arrived, a glass of Chivas and Coke mysteriously appeared on my hand. I downed it in one go, and before I realised, I have another full glass of Chivas and Coke on my hand. I drank it all in again, but the bugger kept automagically refilling itself.
I don’t know why, but I think sitting next to Gilbert might have something to do with it.

Bryan’s tortoises, the only moving object left sober that evening.

I was introduced to Bryan, who was smiling and grinning throughout the entire night for some inexplicable reason.
“Hello Kenny. I read your blog. Come, come with me! I introduce you to some friends!”
Just like that, I was pulled to the backyard where all of Bryan’s friends were congregating.
“EVERYONE! THIS IS KENNY SIA! KENNY SIA AH! FROM KENNYSIA.COM! READ KENNYSIA.COM!!!”
Bryan was very happy but I tried to act as calm as possible.
“Har? Who is Kenny Sia?”
Times like these, I dunno whether to laugh or cry.

Sensing I was starting to get tipsy from drinking the Magic Self-Refilling Glass™ I sauntered into the kitchen to get myself a few glasses of warm water.
Bad move. I was caught red-handed.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WATER? CANNOT!”
“Why… why cannot? Tipsy already.”
“MUST DRINK!”
“I really cannot already…”
“OK you answer me first. ‘What is my name?’ If you answer correctly I let you drink water. If not, you must drink this glass of gin & tonic!”
“Err…”
“Starts with A, ends with N”
“Aaron?”
“NO! HAHAHAA! DRINK!”

I tried to fool my way through by kissing the rim of the glass, but they were too smart for that. I downed the gin & tonic but that’s one glass too many. Utilising with my Super Fish Bowl Vision™, I managed to stumbled back to the living room and plonked myself right on the sofa. Lionel offered me some mints. It didn’t help.
And then I felt it. My stomach is turning. The head is spinning. I tried to hold myself back, but there’s only so much a human being can do to stop a convulsive gastric reaction.

“BLUEEKKKKKKK!”
Vile vomit churned all the way up my throat, through my mouth and in one swift motion, I hurled onto my jeans, my Hush Puppies, right onto the beautiful mosaic floor tiles.
Funnily enough, when it happened the first thought that came into my mind was “Heng ah! Lucky it’s not carpet!”

“BLUUEEEEKKKKKKKKKKK!”
Oooh. I can see the salad I had for dinner just now!
“BLLLLUUUEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!”
I did three times. Bryan looked at me in disbelief “Dude, you puked in my house!”
Tell me. What can a man say in situations like this?
“Oops?”

If you look close enough you might be able to spot the bean sprouts I ate last night

Lionel was nice enough to drop me home while enduring three more of my pukes out the car window. It was only 12 midnight when I reached home. I took off my clothes and slept in the nude till 4am, woke up, drank a bottle of Melilea for a change, then went back to bed again till 12noon.
My sincere apologies to all you guys who saw me made a fool out of myself last night. Hope my dinner didn’t smell too bad on the floor tiles.

Hmm… I wonder if I’ll be invited to a Christmas party next year. Guess I shouldn’t have too high hopes for it. 😉

Continue reading →

Dear readers,
    Merry Christmas! (WMV, 53s, 2.25MB, sources unknown)
Your friend,
kennysia.com

I’m on a Detox Diet right now. My mate David has successfully convinced me to go on the detoxification program with him… right after he intoxicated me with copious amount of ALCOHOL last Saturday night.

I felt duped. It is my third and final day on detox and I feel like dyingggg.
There are many variations of the Detox Diet out there, but mine is probably most hardcore. The rules of the game are simple:

– Fruit and Vegetables for 3 days. Preferably organic ones.
– Drink Melilea regularly.
– Strictly no milk, no meat, no eggs, no sugar, no exceptions.
– Processed food are banned. Don’t even think about touching canned food, noodles, or even rice.
– Absolutely, postively, no caffeine (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO)

Coffee – the most beautiful thing in the world (next to my mom).

The objective is to allow the organs to take a break from eating all the processed food of the modern day and go back to eating basics. By doing so, you flush out all the toxins from your body.
So I went out last Sunday and did my own grocery-shopping for the first time in 9 months. I never bothered to do my own groceries in Kuching. Why bother going through all the trouble cooking and cleaning at home when a meal outside costs merely RM5 right?

Anyway, I bought some suspiciously organic fruit and vege. Grocery-shopping on my own wasn’t that bad. The hardest part was probably pulling myself away from the Chocolates section.

I got myself a bottle of Melilea as well. For those who don’t know what Melilea is, it’s some disgusting mix of fruits and vege blended into powder form.
Believe me, it tastes as horrible as it sounds. The first time I took it, I thought I was shitting in my mouth. That’s how bad it is.
It tastes like grass-flavoured oatmeal!

This is what I had for lunch these past 2 days.
I couldn’t say I felt any better during the program. If anything, I actually felt light-headed and fatigue around afternoon time. The absence of meat in my diet is probably the culprit. I don’t like vege. Vege tastes like crap, but I still had eat it. Surprisingly though, I don’t get hungry often.
But whatever I was doing, I’m pretty sure I was doing it right – I lost 2kg in 2 days.

My detox offically ends tomorrow, just in time for Hari Raya. When tomorrow comes, you’ll see me happily hogging the buffet table at every single Raya open house in Kuching. Who’s gonna invite me?

People who have done Detox before know hardcore Detox dieters are dead serious about their shit… literally. Ask about about their toilet habits and they will tell you the size of their shit, how long it is, what colour it is, how often they go, how smelly it is, etc etc etc.
I was talking to a Melilea distributor this is what he said:
“This very good one! Can clean your stomach one! You eat this you will go to toilet everyday to shit one! I also eat this everyday until my shit become golden and can float on water one! Very good one!”
With a sales pitch like that HOW CAN YOU NOT BUY THEIR PRODUCT?
On a different note, I spotted this at a booth promoting some Melilea-like detox product.

Wow. Looks like health supplement companies have stopped featuring supermodels for their promotional materials and start using shit instead.
Still, you gotta wonder what’s going through the heads of their PR people when they come up with advertising materials like that.
Minion : Eh eh boss… how to sell this detox product har?
PR Manager : Aiya. Just tell them it’s for healthy one lorrrr.
Minion : Cannot boss! So many competitors out there selling the same thing! They use Karen Mok, Fann Wong, Christy Chung! We have to do something different!
PR Manager : Why don’t we tell people that if they eat our product, their shit will come out long long like sausage liddat? Then we take photos of random shit lying around on newspapers. How bout we take a photo of you holding up your own shit like you just became World Longest Shit Champion liddat? Gerengtee people will buy oneeee!
Minion : WAH BOSS! You so smart! GENIUS!

Continue reading →