It’s hard not to draw parallels between VK Lingam and Dr Chua Soi Lek.
Both are prominent folks in society. Both committed a very bad sin a couple of years ago. Both were caught red-handed and red-faced when grainy videos of their naughty behaviour were leaked to the public.
I’m sure everyone is familiar with Chua Soi Lek. He is our former Health Minister who cheated on his wife when he admited to bonking a “personal friend” in a hotel room.
As for VK Lingam, he is a prominent lawyer who is currently embroiled in controversy when an 6-year-old video of him was leaked to the public. The video showed VK Lingam talking on the phone, allegedly making a deal to ensure that Ahmad Fairuz, the future Chief Justice of Malaysia, could secure the position he wanted.
The Lingam Tape
It is such a big news in Malaysia right now because the Chief Justice is the No. 1 top judge of Malaysia, the one who have the ultimate power to decide what is right and wrong in this country.
Thing is, the question who should be Chief Justice is SUPPOSED to be a secret known only to the Prime Minister and the Agung. It’s top secret, highly confidential stuff. However, the presence of the “Lingam Tape” suggested otherwise. It suggested that there is corruption within the very top position of this country’s judicial system. It suggested that the person who gets appointed Chief Justice may not be a secret, but something that is planned all along by cronies of the Prime Minister.
So right now, VK Lingam is in a hot steaming pile of deep shit because the bugger got exposed.
Lingam in deep shit
But that’s the serious side of the news. kennysia.com does not deal with serious news. kennysia.com only deals with serious news that have serious entertainment value.
This news became entertaining when VK Lingam’s ass was hauled up to the Royal Commission.
This is where the similarity between VK Lingam and Chua Soi Lek ends. Instead of admitting he was wrong, VK Lingam lied blatantly through his teeth. Whilst Chua Soi Lek admitted that he was the man in the sex video, Lingam wouldn’t even admit that it was him in the judge-fixing video.
Instead of admitting he’s the person in the video clip, he said “it looks like me, sounds like me, but I will not say 100% that it’s me.” He said that even when the room in the video clip matches the living room in his house.
Instead of admitting that he was speaking to Ahmad Fairuz on the phone, he said “I talk rubbish when I drink wine.” But anyone who watched the video clip would know that his conversation was so detailed and spot-on to be written off as “rubbish”.
Instead of admitting he and a former chief judge Eusoff Chin were so close they plan their holidays together, he said they bumped into each other at Changi Airport and then went on a holiday to New Zealand together. He said that even when they shared almost exactly the same flights, dates and even seat classes.
The guy lied so much, it’s almost comical. He lied so much, someone had to call BOMBA to put his pants out of fire.
He lied so much, he almost made George Bush look HONEST.
So while VK Lingam is happily wasting everybody’s time in the Royal Commission, poor Chua Soi Lek is sitting at home feeling tulan after he lost his job and got into trouble with his wife. Chua Soi Lek thought people would forgive him if he told the truth. Instead, he was forced to resign after telling the truth.
Oh how different things would’ve been if Chua Soi Lek were to learn a few tips from VK Lingam. At least he could’ve saved his job right?
Here’s a list of what I think are the top four tips Chua Soi Lek should’ve learnt from VK Lingam to keep his ass out of trouble.
What Lingam Said
What Chua Soi Lek Should Have Said
Pretend to be drunk
“I talk rubbish when I drink wine.”
“I can even pretend to talk to President Bush.”
“I get horny when I drink wine.”
“Then I pretend to be screwing my personal friend.”
“Pretend only hor.”
Insist that the meeting was pure coincidence
“I bumped into (former chief judge) Eusoff Chin at Changi Airport on my way to New Zealand.”
“It was a chance encounter.”
“I bumped into my ‘personal friend’ in Batu Pahat, at Hotel Katerina, inside Room 1301.”
“Then after I bumped into her, I bumped her lah.”
Don’t admit to being the person in the video clip
“It looks like me, sounds like me.”
“But I will not say 100% that it’s me.”
“It looks like me, sounds like me, fucks like me.”
“But I will not say 100% that it’s me.”
Flat out deny you are guilty
“I was not speaking to Tun Ahmad Fairuz on the phone.”
“I am still a virgin.”
See? Say like that confirm Chua Soi Lek won’t have to step down one.
In Malaysia, sometimes, our ministers write the jokes themselves.
Transcript of Malaysia’s Information Minister’s interview with Al Jazeera News on the Bersih Protest. Minister: I commend yo-yo-your journalists trying to project… to exaggerate more than what actually happened. That-that-that-that’s it. We are not the-the and I-I congratulate your journalists behaving like an actor, that-that’s it… Reporter: As you say that, sir, we’re watching scenes of protesters being sprayed by chemical-filled water! Minister: YA! I am watching! I’m here! You’ve been trying… trying to do it this – to do this everywhere but in Malaysia people are allowed to, you know? We know our police head our colleague… Police have whatever allowed the procession to go to the Istana Negara, you know? Do police, first police, like, they handle them, they attack them, they… the police don’t, don’t, don’t fire anybody? Reporter: Our correspondent came back to the office, sir, with chemicals in his eyes! Minister:You-you-you-you are here with the idea, you are trying to project, what is your mind! You think that we Pakistan, we are Burma, we are Myanmar. Everything you-you are thinking! WE ARE DIFFERENT! We are totally different! Reporter: Well unfortunately when you refuse to let people protest, it does appear so. Minister: Ya ya we are not like you! You-you have earlier perception, you come here, you want to project us like undemocratic country. This a democratic country! Reporter: So why can’t people protest then, if it’s a democratic country? Minister: YES, PEOPLE PROTEST! People do-do… of course they protest. We are allowing them protest, and they have demonstrated. But we just trying to disperse them, and then later they-they-they don’t wanna disperse, but later our police compromise. They have compromised and allowed them to proceed to Istana Negara! Police, our police have succeeded in handling them gently, right? Why do you report that? You take the opposition, someone from opposition party you ask him to speak. You don’t take from the government, right? Reporter: Why did you not break up these protests… Minister: Pardon? Pardon? Pardon? Reporter: Why did you not break up these protests more peacefully? Minister: I can’t hear you! I can’t hear you! Reporter: Why did you not break up these protests more peacefully? Minister: No we-we are! We… this protest is illegal! We don’t want..this… the… NORMALLY… Reporter: OK, so let me return to my former question. Why is this protest illegal? Minister: YA! It’s a illegal protest because we have the erection in Malaysia. It’s no-no point on having a protest! We are allowing to every erection… every five years never fail! We are not our like, like Myanmar, not like other country. And, and you are helping this. You Al-Jazeera also is helping this, this forces. The, you know, these forces who are not in passion, who don’t believe in democracy! Reporter: Alright, many thanks for joining us. Minister: I don’t, ya, you, Al-Jazeera, this is, is Al-Jazeera attitude. Right?
“The police did not use force to quell the gathering”
Was that even English he was speaking? I tell ya, these people just write the jokes themselves.
Got a phone call last Monday from an unknown number.
The lady from the other end of the phone spoke to me with that easily identifiable mainland Chinese accent. Ching chong lady told me from she’s from a Hong Kong company, calling me to conduct a marketing survey in Malaysia.
That’s sounded alright, so I obliged and I was asked some pretty standard questions like how old I am, my monthly income and stuff like that. The phone call lasted for about 20 minutes. As a token of appreciation. ching chong lady gave me a lucky draw number for a publicity event they will be holding in Genting.
Since I couldn’t possibly be attending the event all the way in Genting, I didn’t bother writing that number down and just forget about it.
The next evening around 6pm, Ching Chong lady called again. This time she sounded happy and excited, as if China has just won the World Cup. In the background, the crowd noise typical of a big dinner function can be heard. Ching Chong Lady: Mr Kenny Sia! Are you Mr Kenny Sia!? Listen, are you in Genting right now?! Kenny: No, I thought I mentioned yesterday that I couldn’t attend the event because I am in Sarawak? Ching Chong Lady: Ohhh! No wonder our emcee called your name so many times and you didn’t come up on stage! Kenny: What is going on? Ching Chong Lady: Mr Kenny Sia, you just won the second prize of our lucky draw! Congratulations! Kenny: Oh, cool. *thinking it was probably like a toaster or a fan or something* Ching Chong Lady: YOU JUST WON YOURSELF $240,000 HK DOLLARS!!! Kenny: Whoa?!
Honestly, at that point in time I could not believe my luck. I had believed Miss Ching Chonglady completely.
HKD$240,000 is about RM120,000. That is a lot of money. Ching Chonglady congratulated me further. Before we ended our conversation, she advised me to stay safe and invited me to visit their company when they set up a branch in Malaysia. I agreed. She was so nice and courteous that I didn’t even suspect a single thing.
That night, I went to bed feeling elated. I even dreamt about how to spend my prize money.
Very early next morning, she called again to arrange for the collection of my HKD$240,000 prize. That is when I first thought something fishy was going on.
Everyone knows that in Malaysia, it takes FOREVER for prizes to reach the winner’s hand.
I should know. I took part in Deal or No Deal Malaysia almost three months ago and until now I STILL haven’t even received my meagre prize money!
And these people who called me are handling the prize collection too efficiently. Of course it looked firshy!
The name of the company was a jewellery company called Hong Kong DiFenNi, and the lady who contacted me is Chen Ke.
I was asked how I would like to collect my prize money, so I suggested she deposit the cash into my bank account. She gave me an option to pick up the money in Hong Kong, but I declined saying it was too inconvenient.
Anyway, I gave Chen Ke my real bank account and IC number, placing my full trust in Maybank to protect the whole 20 ringgit I have in my savings account.
As soon as I hung up the phone, Detective Kenny Sia rushed to the computer and decided to do some investigative work.
First thing I did was call up Genting Resorts to check if any foreign company called “Hong Kong DiFenNi” had rented out their ballrooms for an event last night. The nice lady at Genting gave me two company names that had booked their facilities yesterday, and both of them are local.
FISHY.
Fine. Give them benefit of the doubt. Maybe they used a local company to rent out a ballroom on their behalf.
Next, I logged on to the Internet to check out the website address they had given me – www.difenni.com.cn
The URL redirected me to another website at www.weidajp.com
At first glance, their website looked awfully professional. They have a news section and a products section typical of any good company website. The phone number they gave me (+852 6554 6865) matches the one on the website. And eventhough the jewellery they displayed on their website looks butt ugly, I must admit that on the whole their website looked very convincing.
Then I looked up the WHOIS registry of these two websites.
Website is registered on the 20th June 2007. That’s only one month old!
How bloody likely was it for an established international export company to not even have a website until one freaking month ago?
FISHY. So fishy, it’s fishier than a fish market.
Fine. Once again, I give them benefit of the doubt. Finally, I fired up Google and typed in the some search words. BINGO! I found this.
Apparently, this scam has been going around for a while and a number of people in Malaysia and Singapore had fallen for it. The scammers will convince you that you have won a lucky draw, but in order to take the money out you’d have to pay a certain amount of insurance deposit. The scammers will then run away with the ‘deposit’ and you will never see a single cent of your winnings ever.
I called up DAP Sarawak’s chairman Richard Wong at his office because his name was mentioned in the Borneo Post report and I told him about my predicament. Talking him further convinced me that this was a tried and true scam that has been going around for a while. The name of the company was different, but the method of execution was the same.
Since I hadn’t been asked to send them any money yet, I decided to have a little fun with them.
The next time I received a phone call from the scammers, I was talking to a ching chong man instead. His name is Yang Jun.
Whaddya know? Just as expected, I was told that in order to receive my prize money, I need to send them some money as insurance deposit first.
They said there was a law erected to prevent people taking money above HKD$150,000 out of the country. They claimed its for fear of black market or terrorism financing.
To me, that’s just a whole lotta bull.
If they wanna force me to buy some insurance deposit, they can just deduct some off my prize money.
But fine. I told them if its illegal to transfer so much money overseas, just send me the limit of HKD$150,000. “Sorry, the cheque has already been written and we can’t write a new one.”
Fine! So I told them I will fly to HK to pick up the money in person. To my surprise, they said they would welcome me with open arms. They even invited me to their “jewellery showroom”.
Immediately I regretted suggesting that. Because if I showed up, those people could very well abduct me.
Maybe even sell me off for gay prostitution or something.
My patience was wearing thin After thirty minutes of international phone call, FINALLY I said to them I “agreed” to pay RM3,000 insurance deposit.
You could almost hear the jubilent cheer in his voice.
Jubilent cheer… anyone still thinks AC Milan’s Brazilian striker Kaka is cute?
I was asked to contact a Chen ZhenRong who, according to ching chong man, is their “most esteemed accountant who took time out of his very busy schedule to handle your transaction, out of the goodness of his heart.“
It’s funny how these people make themselves sounded like some patron saint of Jesus Christ, when in fact they are more crooked than Barbra Streisand’s nose.
Of course, I couldn’t give two hoots about who this Chen ZhenRong is. Everytime he called, I purposely fooled around with Mr Gold-Hearted Saint Jesus Accountant Who Took Time Out Of His Very Busy Schedule, dilly-dallying, time-wasting, and just giving them endless supply of lame excuses and empty promises.
They were persistent. Annoyed, angry, impatient, but still very persistent.
I am touched. Never have a stranger been so desperate to give me RM120,000 before.
What I am REALLY impressed with is that these people are so convincing and so organised. There were virtually no holes in their web of lies.
I was even given a number of a Hong Kong bank to contact. When I called, the automated voice prompt confirmed that HKD$240,000 is sitting there waiting in my bank account. All they need is my RM3,000 insurance deposit.
You can try it yourself. The phone number was +852 6635 7011. My bank account number is 2110 1600 0787 80 and my PIN number is 821127.
Of course, I gave them a fake bank account number. They believed me.
I told them to deposit my prize money into my special company bank account that could handle quicker international transaction. They believed me.
I also told them that my company name was Kanina Chee Bye. And they believed me!
The best thing about all of these? I have recorded every single bit of telephone conversations they had with me. And they didn’t even know about it.
Click on it to listen!
Don’t worry if you can’t understand Chinese. There are English subtitles.
Anyway, I was told to put the RM3,000 insurance deposit into their Hong Leong bank account 023-51-06038-8, under the name Eu Sok Eng.
But after playing with them for so long, I decided I have had enough fun. Yesterday, I visited our local Hong Leong Branch and banked in the money for our friendly HK scammer.
When Mr Gold-Hearted Saint Jesus Accountant Who Took Time Out Of His Very Busy Schedule called again, he was clearly furious at my non-cooperation. Mr Saint Jesus Accountant: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?! Kenny: Listen, I… Mr Saint Jesus Accountant: WHERE IS THE INSURANCE DEPOSIT!? YOU SAID YOU WILL BANK IN FOR US BUT YOU NEVER DID! Kenny: No wait, I already… Mr Saint Jesus Accountant: DO YOU THINK WE HAVE A LOT OF TIME FOR YOUR GAMES!? ARE YOU TREATING US LIKE A JOKE!??! Kenny: Listen, I banked in the money to your account already. I swear to you I did. Mr Saint Jesus Accountant: BY CHEQUE OR BY CASH!!? Kenny: Cash! Just like you instructed. Mr Saint Jesus Accountant: WHAT TIME!? Kenny: 14 o’clock and 5 minute. Mr Saint Jesus Accountant: WHICH SECOND!? Kenny: 3 second. The receipt number is 00748. Mr Saint Jesus Accountant: Ok. You let me check. I will call you back later.
I wasn’t lying, you know? I did send him the money. But the accountant never me called back. And I don’t think he ever will.
Because as a slap in the face, I sent him a grand total of…
ONE RINGGIT.
One of the biggest blockbuster movies coming out from Hollywood this season is Transformers.
I watched it and I thought it was a really kickass movie.
The true stars of the shows are of course those damn sexy sweet cars that can transform into robots. And with the movie featuring new cars never seen before in Malaysia like the Chevrolet Camaro, the Pontiac Soltice and the modified Ford Mustang police car, I reckon Transformers has just succeeded in making many boyfood fantasies come true.
But after watching such an action-packed Hollywood movie, I walked back to my car and thought… What if Transformers were made in Malaysia?
Imagine how different it is gonna be like.
Firstly, there’s not gonna be some silly little planet called Cybertron anymore. Instead, our Transformers will be coming in from Cyberjaya.
The bad guys will not be called the Decepticons and the good guys will not be called Autobots .
To reflect our true Malaysian flavour, the bad guys’ name will be changed to DeceptiProtons.
And the good guys? Peroduabots.
Heck, maybe the title of movie won’t even be called Transformers anymore.
If it were made in Malaysia, we would call it Kereta Tukar-Menukar!
And what’s a Transformers movie without cars that can change into giant cool robots, right?
Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the fearless leader of the Peroduabots…
Optimus Kancil.
Don’t underestimate this baby. When it is ready to go to battle, just watch this sleek little machine transform into a fighting robot as it yells out that famous catchphrase.
Ever want to be a celebrity blogger, but don’t know where to start?
Never fear! This 1st April, kennysia.com is here to help you realise your dreams, with the new XX Blog Generator. Now, you too, can become the next Wendy Cheng
Disclaimer: Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely intentional and kennysia.com is not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential ridicule resulting from the use of this Blog Generator. No animals were harmed in the creation of the XX Blog Generator.
As part of an initiative to make the city more favourable towards tourists, a series of state-of-the-art automated public toilets were recently introduced at several tourist hot spots around KL city.
These new public toilets came to light not without some controversy. Some people like them, some people think those money can be better spent somewhere else. At RM400,000 a pop, these toilets are even more expensive than the houses most of us live in.
But hey, it’s not like the authorities care anyway. The toilets have been built already and if you don’t like them, you can go shit sit somewhere else.
Our country’s top officials are obviously proud of these toilets. On the toilets’ opening ceremony, even our Deputy Prime Minister came along in his sleek black limo to officiate the opening.
When it comes to opening ceremonies, people always like to perform a symbolic action to mark its opening. Some people cut ribbons, others plant trees or hit gongs.
You gotta wonder, what symbolic action our Deputy Prime Minister did to make the opening of these toilets official? Did he urinate to officiate?
These toilets cost 20 cents to use. In other words, they need at least 2 million people to piss in each of these toilets just to breakeven financially.
There’s a coin slot by door for you to put the money in. These are pretty similar to those soft drink vending machines. Except with vending machines, you put in the coin in and stuff comes out of it – for you.
With these toilets, you put the coin in and stuff comes out of you.
The inside of the public toilets look mighty impressive. Unlike the public toilets we are used to, these ones are extremely clean. They are so clean, they make our hawker food stalls look dirty.
Only in Malaysia can you find places you shit cleaner than the places you eat.
I mean, there’s even an aircond inside the toilet! Finally, someone has acknowledged that chucking a shit is actually pretty tough work.
The most amusing of all, must be the warning signboard inside the RM400,000 toilet.
There’s this symbol that says “No Diving Allowed.”
Then there’s the standard “No Eating and Drinking Allowed”
I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure about the kinda food they serve in public toilets. Chocolate cakes, anyone?
But one thing that caught my attention though, was this warning.
Heh.
The last thing you wanna happen when you’re happily taking a dump, is for the door to automatically open and have the busy crowd at Bukit Bintang catch an eyeful of you.
Doing this.
That’d be kinda awkward.
Our youth leader Khairy Jamaluddin explained he has no intentions of hurting feelings when he said that non-Malays would take advantage of a weak UMNO. But he did not make an apology.
Our neighbour Lee Kuan Yew apologised for the discomfort he caused when he said that Chinese are marginalised in Malaysia, but our leader said it’s not an apology.
That’s the way to go about doing things nowadays isn’t it?
Special thanks to Brandon Juan, for agreeing to appear in this sketch
My last entry, I posted this very normal-looking picture up.
And look at the comments flowing in. “who’s hand is that..the hairy one with the tag? *hair phobia*” — Bean “Kenny, u got hairy hand ya?!?!?!” — Natasha “kenny… u r so hairy… eee…” — KeL “Wah Lao, your hand sibeh hairy lah. Wanna try waxing? Makes me wonder if other parts of your body is as hairy as that~ Hahaha” — Nonnie
Hello? It was just a photo of a WRISTBAND. How come all these people talking about my bodily hair.
Yalah I know I have a lot of body hair. Maybe a little bit more so than the average Chinese guy, but hey that’s just the way I am.
I’ve got hair on my legs. I’ve got hair on my chest. I’ve got hair on my stomach leading down to my *ahem*.
I’ve got leg hair so thick and curly, it looks like it’s got the whole eco-system going on down there.
Back when I was doing Form 3, my school uniform was still the kind with white shirt and tight short pants. I have started growing hair on my legs already. By the end of the first semester my leg hair has become so thick and black and curly, it made me look really bad in schoolboy shorts. No other boys in my class have the same problems. Just me.
I carried the nickname ë¸ç (hairy bro).
It is said if you don’t know who Kenny Sia is back then, all you gotta do is go to the Form 3 classes and look for the guy with the longest leg hair. That would be me.
It’s not easy having a pair of hairy legs.
I can’t shorts when I go out. On occassions that I have to wear shorts (like during an extremely hot afternoon), I risk having my leg hair yanked out by people. Especially girls.
I don’t understand the fascination girls have with my leg hair. Why do they have to yank my leg hair out as hard as they can, at every opportunity they could get?
It’s like, when I joke with them. “Hahahahaha” *YANK*
When I help them out. “Eh, thanks ah!” *YANK*
When I ignore them. “Oi…OIIII!” *YANK*
Please. Hairy men have feelings too.
I got hair growing at weird places. This one’s on my big toe.
If you put an ant on my leg, he’s gonna have trouble finding his way out of the maze of hair.
One time, I swear I saw a poor tiny little ant crawling around my leg frantically with his miniature-sized torch light and miniature-sized film camera.
When I found that fella stopped moving 3 days later, I took his miniature-sized tape out of his miniature-sized film camera and put it inside my miniature-sized VCR. And it showed this.
It’s true.
Trust me, I tried waxing it off before. Paid a lot of money, hurts like hell and it grew back in like a month. I wonder why I did it in the first place.
Yeah, I am hairy. But my body hair has never been a problem for me. No one ever complains about it.
The reason why hair grow on my body in the first place is because of testosterones. I have lots of ’em. Testosterones come from the testicles. And I have two. HUGE ones. That’s why I’ve got so much hair.
Why would I wanna wax my hair off? It’s a symbol of my manhood manliness. Testosterones are what make men men.
Personally, I would be damn worried if I haven’t got hair on my body, because that would mean I’m still a boy and not a man.
If you’re one of those pansy skinny little boys with not a single strand of hair on your chest, maybe you should be worried instead. Please check if your testicles are still working, thank you.
The World Cup’s over but are you still feeling the football fever? Here are top 9 signs you might be suffering from World Cup Withdrawal Symptoms.
9. You wake up for no reason at all at 3am, feeling as if you should be doing something instead of sleeping.
8. You log on to “sport bookie online” to check out today’s odds, but got annoyed when the matches shown are all by teams no one has ever heard of like “Dynamo Moscow” or “Ajax Amsterdam”. What is this… some kinda detergent joke?
7. When your boss or lecturer explained something to you that you don’t understand, you said to him “Sir! You keep on talking but I’m like that French goalkeeper. Catch no ball!”
6. You order Swedish Meatballs from IKEA, and you said to the waiter “I take Sweden, you give me half ball.” 5. You go for Thai massage, and you told the masseuse “I take Thailand, I give you two balls.”
4. When you’re faced with a great difficulty in life, you find yourself deeply pondering“Hmmm… what would Shebby do in this situation?”
3. If something’s blocking your way, you don’t walk over it like you should.
You DIVE over it like Superman.
2. When your friend gives you a friendly pat on the back, you don’t just look and smile at him.
You fall down dramatically, clutch your knee and cry like a bitch.
“Owww…. Pain! Pain!”
1. When someone said something mean against you, you don’t just walk away. You headbutt him right in the chest.
Now that Zidane’s retired, at least he can find comfort knowing that he could always work as a Shaolin Monk, headbutting every single friggin thing out of his way.
This is horrible. What has the world come to?
Hot on the heels of the Miri Schoolgirl Fight, I’ve found YET ANOTHER fight video recorded on handphone and uploaded on to the Internet. This one 100 times more brutal and violent than the last one.
As far as I know, no one has this video yet. Remember, you’ve seen it first on kennysia.com.
Seriously, there is no hope for these children.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
OMG! This gotta be a Malaysia’s first. This clip has made it to the Top #13 Top #11Most Viewed Video on Youtube!
Alas, a lot of people don’t “get it” since they don’t get the context in which the video is based upon.
And they called us “japanese” and “mexicans”.
