I was walking past some shoplots this morning when I spotted this seeming innocent-looking car parked by the side.

On closer inspection, I realised this isn’t your average lau-ah-pek car you can find in Kuching.

Check out that famous black and yellow emblem on the front of the car.

Yes. The unmistakable signature of a true Scuderia Ferrari Italian sports car. I saw it right here, in Kuching, parked next to a kopitiam selling RM2 kolo mee.
I’m curious to know who the owner of the Ferrari is. After all, authentic sports cars are a rare sight in Kuching, let alone a true Ferrari sports car.
Lucky for me, I didn’t have to wait too long for the owner to return to his vehicle.

Look, its Michael Schumacher!

Apparently, Michael Schumacher is in Kuching on an official business. I had a short conversation with him and he said he was here to attend an exclusive car show. Funny I didn’t know about it, else I’d be there to blog about the event.
Michael then pulled a photo album out of his Ferrari to show me. They’re photos from the car show. I spotted a familiar face in there.

That’s my friend Apple Lim on the right, posing next to Michael Schumacher’s Ferrari.

Whoa! Such a coincidence, isn’t it?
Anyway, I don’t know how long Michael Schumacher is gonna be in Kuching, but I have a newfound respect for him after talking to him today. One thing for sure – next time I see that red Ferrari on the grand prix race course, I know who I’ll be cheering.

Go Schumacher, go!

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A friend of mine who works as a security guard passed me the following CCTV footage, taken at the 4th mile area a few weeks ago. This is the second time it has happened.

Personally I don’t believe in paranormal activities. But neither do I have an explanation for the following phenomenon.

Click to watch the video (5 sec, 272 KB). I did absolutely no other alteration (other than watermarking) to the video clip. Don’t worry, its not one of those prank video designed to shock you out of your pants. 😉
Note the white figure following the tail of the motorbike for a split second before it disappeard.

I thought it was smoke, but it certainly doesn’t look like smoke to me. The best I could come up with is that the figure was a reflection of light of some sorts. I’ve checked the area in question, and there were NO reflective surfaces at all. So where did it come from?
Can someone tell me what the hell going on?

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To: The Manager of Gym Masyarakat
Dear Madam,
Re: A Little Suggestion For Improvement
I have been a member of your gym for two months. Although I appreciate you offering members like me a nice environment to workout and lead a healthier lifestyle, I feel there has been some rather frustrating issues plaguing the operations of your gym that’s overlooked.

Gym Masyarakat is a state government-sponsored gym that is actually quite decent, if it weren’t for its lousy management.

For your convenience, I’ve summarised those issues below.
1. The gym attendants in general are helpful. However one in particular stood out like a sore thumb. For some reason, the vocabulary of that attendant in question seems limited only to two phrases – “No” and “Don’t know.” I don’t even need to ask anything because I know her answer will be definitely be something negative.

This is the most useless help desk in a gym anywhere in the world… simply because there’s nobody there 90% of time. Even if there are people there, they sure don’t provide any ‘help’.

My issue with her started even before I joined this gym.
Kenny: “Hi. I submitted my gym membership application 3 weeks ago and I still haven’t heard from you. Do you know what happened to it?”
Blur Staff: “I don’t know.”
“Okayyy then… is it possible that I speak to your manager?”
“No. She’s not here.”
“When would she be in?”
“Don’t know.”
“Then what am I supposed to do?”
*blank stare*
“Alright… I’ll leave my card with you. Please ask her to give me a ring when she gets this.”
“Ok.”
Rather predictably, I never receive any follow up. Its only after I made a second trip to the gym that I got your number from a different gym attendant.
2. Every now and then there is this one big group of smokers (some of whom are the gym attendants themselves) gathering at the entrance of the gym fagging happily whilst the front door is wide open.

Evidence: cigarette butts outside the gym entrance.

All the smoke generated from them inevitably spread into the gym, polluting the lungs of everyone else inside. I don’t know about you, but the last thing I want when I’m puffing heavily on the threadmill is to choke on second hand smoke.
3. I’m ok with the gym closing on public holidays, but I am NOT OK with is the gym closing without giving its members any prior notice. The most recent example was over the Gawai Holidays. We were given notice that the gym will be closed on Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday. We were NOT given notice that it will be closed on Friday. So while your gym attendants were off enjoying their 5-day break, the bunch of us were met with a locked door on the Friday when we expected it to open.
4. The advertised closing time for Gym Masyarakat is 9:00pm on weekdays. Not 8:45pm, not 8:50pm, but 9:00pm. Therefore I do not understand why the lights are off, music are off and the aircond shut down even before the clock hits 9:00pm. I certainly do NOT appreciate having the lights turned off on me when I’m halfway lifting weights. It is RUDE.

Don’t turn off the lights when I’m still working out. Who do you think I am? Batman?

5. If there are times when the gym needs to close at 8:30pm, let us know EARLIER. Don’t turn off the lights in the middle of our workout unexpectedly just to chase us away so you can have an early night. It is RUDE.
6. And on that note, may I remind you that your clock in the gym is actually set ten minutes too early.

My clock says 8:32pm when your clock says 8:40pm.

There are no reasons why these problems should arise, apart from the lazy sloth-like attitude some members of your staff adopt. I’m sure you’ll agree with me that it doesn’t take much effort at all to put up advanced notices, close the gym on schedule, or for that attendant to smile and learn new words like “Yes, how may I help you?”, does it?
Well, I thank you for taking time to read this letter and I do hope that you also take time to rectify these problems. It doesn’t cost money, but it will be for the benefit of your gym and its members.
Have a nice day.

Warmest Regards,
Kenny Sia

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The Gawai (not to be confused with the Japanese word ‘Kawaii’, which means something else completely different) is a uniquely Sarawakian harvest-cum-thanksgiving festival celebrated by the native Dayaks here every 1st June.

Hello Kitty. This pampered pussy changes into her cultural clothes every festive season. I call her the Barbie Doll cat.

Whilst the Malays are the natives (or bumiputeras) and form the dominant race in Peninsular Malaysia, the Dayaks are the dominant race in Sarawak, just as the Kadazans are the dominant race in Sabah. A lot of them are from the rural area, but have since migrated to Kuching city for work and studies.
A common misconception held is that the Dayaks are similar to Malays because it seems as if both races speak the Bahasa Melayu as their mother tongue. In actual fact, the Dayaks speak a language that is very similar but not identical to Bahasa Melayu.

Jalan Padungan. You can call it Chinatown, but Kuching city is majority Chinese anyway.

Apart from that, the Dayaks are now very modernised and drastically different to the bloodthirsty headhunters the history books tell us. Most Dayaks here practise Christianity instead of Islam. They are also bloody good alcohol drinkers, and the younger ones have damn cool English-sounding names like ‘Matthew Anderson Lockhart’.
One thing I appreciate living in Malaysia is that almost all races here get to celebrate their respective festivities. I forget how good it felt because I don’t have that kind of luxury when I was in Australia. I can personally attest that hauling your ass to work/lecture on the first day of Chinese New Year isn’t the best feeling in the world.

This is how we celebrate festivities in Kuching… by making our streets a little bit brighter.

So anyway, I was in the city last night practising my night photography skills when I noticed a particularly interesting set of decorative lights along Jalan Song Thian Chiok that seems to be telling us some story. Its a bit like pictures in the Egyptian pyramids really.
I know they’re supposed to depict customs and cultural practices of the Dayaks here. But someone not born here might not be able to understand what’s going. So here’s what they might intepret it instead.

This is a story about how the Dayaks celebrate the Gawai Festival.

All day long, the men sit on their butts smoking their big-arse Sarawakian cigarettes. What’s this Dunhill thing you’re talking about? Dunhill is for pansies. Sarawakian cigarettes are for real men, like us.

Feminism? Never heard of it. Our bitches spend their day and night rolling them big-arse Sarawakian cigarettes for us, the real men. For entertainment, we dress them up in skimpy clothes so we can watch them shake their asses while we smoke our life away. Ooh yea, baby.

And, errrr…

Usually them chicks do a good job out of it. But sometimes they don’t. So we gotta teach them a lesson, eh?

Of course the Dayaks are all really friendly people and they’re not like that at all. But decorations like that can easily be misinterpretated, eh? 🙂 Happy holidays, my fellow Sarawakians.

The Fitness First in Perth.

Clean and hygenic. Coordinated yet flexible. Friendly and professional.

Its the only fitness centre I know that seems to get everything right, and more.

The Fitness First in Kuching.

GAH! Bloody rip-off.

*sigh* Guess I’m doomed to be forever fat.

One sunny day, I was driving down towards Tabuan Jaya when I saw this.

A closer look at the sign that caught my attention.

Immediately, it reminded me of this.

Which gave me the impression that the inside of the office probably looks like this.

WE ENGINEERING – We Engineer Other People’s Logo For Ourselves!
When it comes to designing your own company logo, some people really need to grow a right brain.

Whoever designed this advertisement for the Sarawak Tribune Classifieds needs to be shot, grilled, tied to the ground and forced to undergo cosmetic surgery to look exactly like that horrendously deformed human being he drew.

I hope he’s not trying to imply Sarawak Tribune readers look so pathetic. Shit, how bad is that drawing? See this wouldn’t have happened if he were to choose someone like me as the model.
Man that’s the ugliest advertisement I’ve ever seen.
I wonder who he used as a model.

I think we got a winner.
Lessons in Advertising #1337:
“Never EVER use a monkey as a model for your drawings.”