Author: admin

Those Sweet Young Things from Singapore

Thoughts & Musings 27 Comments

I noticed that Singaporean girls are notoriously quick to follow the latest fashion trends.
The last time I was in Singapore was two years ago. Back then, the look of the season was that perfectly straight rebonded hair. I’m not surprised why that hairstyle is so popular since I know a lot of girls who wanted that perfect straight hair seen only on Taiwanese celebrities and Pantene commercials. Rebonded hair could instantaneously transform an otherwise bland and ordinary girl off the streets into a sizzling hot sexy babe like Jolin.
Jolin with her rebonded hair

Pay RM300 to rebond your hair and look like Jolin!

When I was in Singapore that time, I remembered sitting alone in the Jurong East MRT interchange.
Picture this scene.
A train arrived. Doors opened. Out came a Jolin Tsai lookalike with her long straight hair gracefully flowing in the wind. I looked at her. Everything turned into slow-motion. She smiled. My heart skipped a bit. My eyes fixated on her beauty. My drool dripping on the magazine I was reading.
Just as she walked past me, another Jolin lookalike walked out. And another one. And another one. Then another one. They look like angels. All with rebonded hair.
Heaven MRT station

Suddenly Jurong East transformed into Heaven.

Anyway, the trend has since died down a bit. I think the girls all got sick of looking alike, so at least now there’s a wider variety of hairstyles among the Singaporean girls. But just as one trend dies down, another new trend has hit those ever-so-fashion-conscious Singaporean girls.
This time round, its all about the mini skirts!
No, not those long ugly ones your high school teacher used to wear. I’m talking about those teeny-weeny itsy-bitsy super ultra-short skirts.
The ones that if you bend over, you will inadvertently broadcast the colour of your underwear and the beginnings (or was that the ‘ends’) of your ass to the entire world via CNN.
Short skirts galore

The white arrows point to examples of the kind of ultra short mini skirt I’m talking about.

I don’t know why, but when these short-skirt wearing girls stand in front of me, it certainly made those trips up the escalators a lot more interesting.
The elevator story

This is an escalator. Now imagine a girl with a very short skirt in front of you riding to the top of the escalator. What do you think you’ll see?

But hey! I’m not a horny bastard ok? I’m not the kind who stalk and prey on innocent young girls. See, when these girls choose to flaunt their ASS-ets and display the colour of their G-strings to me, its hard. Its really hard.
Hard as in… difficult. Not hard as in… penis… hard. No misunderstanding? Good.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Walking along Orchard Road, I can’t help but noticed that the lasses in Singapore have adopted a much liberal sense of dressing compared to our Malaysian counterparts. Maybe its the hot and humid Singapore weather, but there’s a galore of bared mid-riffs, cute spaghettis and short skirts on their 40kg frame. Sometimes I wonder what kinda water Singaporean girls drink to stay so slim. Maybe its the NEWater their government has been promoting.
Where did NEWater come from?

Wanna know how Singaporean girls managed to stay so slim?

Another thing I noticed is the number of lesbians openly showing their affection along Orchard Road. More lesbians than gays apprently. So, Lainie was right. There are plenty of gays and lesbians in Singapore, definitely a lot more compared to before.
Then, it hit me. If a large number of Singaporean women are lesbians, and those that are not lesbians are angmoh-loving SPGs, wouldn’t there be a distinct lack of Singaporean-men-loving straight women?
House of Fury preview

“Really ah? Ya hor?”

I mean… think about it! Most Singaporean men right out of army are suave, well built, well educated and have a good sense of humour. These are good quality men! Even if MOST of them hooked up with Singaporean girls, there are STILL going to be a lot of single Singaporean men left out there because the rest of the Singaporean girls are either (A) lesbian or (B) prefer white bread.
Gee, I wonder where can these poor Singaporean men can find their girlfriends then. Malaysia?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
When my parents and I were in Singapore, I was always the one to get them food since my father isn’t very mobile and my mother has to stay by his side. I was lucky since Far East Plaza is just across the road from the hotel I was staying. Two years ago, Far East Plaza remind me very much of Kuching’s Hopoh or KL’s Sungai Wang, in that they sell mostly budget items and the closest thing they have to designer brands are imitated ones.
This time round I noticed a lot more creative, youthful and funky shops popping up. I like it how the young proprietors get so creative in the design of their shop and the display of their products.
One of the more interesting shop is InQBox, which looks more like an art gallery than a clothing/accessories shop. I went in there and one T-shirt immediately caught my eye.
LocalBrand T-shirt

The ‘Blind’ T-shirt, featuring the embossed print for the word ‘Blind’ in Braille.

What’s so special about this T-shirt you say? Well, I dunno. For a start, its LocalBrand.
LocalBrand logo
And they seem to have a promotion going on.
LocalBrand promotion
That is the reason why I bought the T-shirt.
Oh shit, what have I done?
Yes, I got the 20% discount.
I am ashamed.
I know.
Shut up.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
‘Love’ is a funny thing.
Love can happen in the most unexpected places, under the most unexpected circumstance. A split second of contact can leave an impression that last for eternity.
They say love is blind.
They say there’s no such thing as love at first sight.
These people do not know love. They do not know fate.
But I know.
I KNOW!
I know, because I have experienced it.
We met in the most unlikely of places.
It was but a mere split second, but seeing her made me think twice about the relationship I’m in right now. It made me think twice about continuing this whole long distance thing.
Funny how such a brief moment of contact with someone you’ve never met before can change one’s life, and one’s perception on life.
Yet.
Deep down inside, I know what I want.
It was a difficult choice, almost an impossible one to make.
But I know, one thing for sure, is that – I – love – her.
Impossible as it may seem, but one day, she shall be mine.

It takes time.

Lamborghini
But one day, she will be mine.
You just wait and see.

Lamborghini washed.

Back from Singapore

Life Documentary 23 Comments

Yes, I’m back from Singapore and there’s lots of write about. Since its a long entry, I’ll split it into two separate entries.
I was in Singapore for the past two days, not for holidays, but I had to bring my parents there for, shall we say, religious reasons.
Leaving Kuching

The distinct difference in the landscape between Kuching and Singapore.

I like Singapore. I know I’ve mildly bashed those Singaporeans before, but the matter of fact is that I actually like Singapore. Kuching is my hometown and I would return here eventually. But if I were given a choice between Kuching, Perth, KL and Singapore where to live, work and play for the next ten years I’d most likely choose Singapore.
The island nation is clean, safe and most importantly there are decent gyms around. With the Singaporean people, I find that I share their sense of humour and I like how we are so in-tuned with many of our thinkings. Shit, sometimes I even find myself reading Singaporean newspapers and FHM Singapore instead of ours. But seriously, in my opinion, there’s no other place on Earth that is as livable, fun and as culturally-similar to Kuching as the city-state itself. And I love it.
That being said, I won’t stop myself from bashing it if I had the chance. Heh.
Inside the cab

One of the cab drivers I had a great conversation with about… you guessed it – politics!

Upon arrival at Changi Airport, we hailed a cab to get to our hotel. Singaporean cab drivers are naturally chatty and I’ve had great conversations with almost all the cab drivers we’ve met. Most of the time we talked about Singaporean politics and bitched about the government. Come to think about it, a lot of these cab drivers are quite disgruntled about the ruling People’s Action Party. They whined about how bureaucratic the government is and bashed them relentlessly, while I just sit back and enjoy the show.
Inside the cab

Cab drivers in Singapore – the looming threat to the stability of the Singaporean government.

I have no idea why these cab drivers are so unhappy, but I reckon if all the Singaporean taxi drivers get together and form a political party they’re gonna have a pretty good chance of winning the elections.
PAP Vs TDP

People’s Action Party Vs Taxi Drivers Party – Will we ever see this? Maybe. Just maybe! 🙂

We stayed at the Royal Plaza Hotel on Scotts, which is a five star hotel right smack in the middle of the Orchard area. Now, before you all go “Yalah yalah. See this stupid Kenny act all rich and mighty lah! Show off lah! Like I care. I know for a fact that his balls are small like rambutans.”, lets just say that I paid SGD$130 (RM300) for a room that’s normally SGD$350 (RM820) thanks to Wotif.com. They specialise in last minute hotel bookings and they usually have pretty good deals there, so I totally recommend travellers/backpackers to check them out as sometimes its worth paying that extra few dollars for a five star treatment.
Stunning interior decor of the Royal Plaza On Scotts

Stunning interior design and decor at the Royal Plaza On Scotts.

As expected for a five-star hotel, the hall entrance of the hotel is nothing short of magnificence. The two staircases on either side of the hall and the classic decor somewhat reminded me of the fighting scene in The Matrix Reloaded. I suddenly have the impulse to fly from one stair case to the other, fighting off all the baddies. Its too bad I didn’t even come close to looking like Keanu Reeves.
I look WAY better.
Wisma Atria

My favourite shopping complex in the whole island of Singapore – Wisma Atria.

I like the fact that the hotel is situated within the Orchard Road precinct. I didn’t spend much time strolling shopping malls whilst I was in Singapore, but my hotel is only a short walk to Wisma Atria. The reason I like Wisma Atria so much is because of Topshop. Its not because of the clothes they sell there since they’re just overpriced pieces of junk. I love it because they provide FREE INTERNET ACCESS!
So I hopped into the shop like a giddy little boy, fired up their Internet Explorer (pfft!) and logged on to kennysia.com. And this is what I got.

Wisma Atria

What kennysia.com looks like at Topshop in Wisma Atria

Stupid Topshop. How dare you mock me with that When Routine Isn’t Exactly Normal error message?!
Bloody. Anyway, lets get back to talking about nicer things, like the hotel.
The Deluxe Room

Royal Plaza Hotel, where the Deluxe Room actually meant an ordinary room for you poor fucks fooled into thinking that this is a five star hotel.

We stayed in a Deluxe Room. Apparently, there’s no ‘Standard Room’ because their standard room is already a ‘Deluxe Room’. Actually the term ‘Deluxe Room’ is a misleading since the adjective Deluxe has connotations of grandeur and luxury. I had my hopes up, expecting fruit baskets and chandeliers and maybe a stripper on standby. But alas, our room is not much different compared to the average Holiday Inn. At least ours came with a pathetic little mini-bar.
The Deluxe Room mini bar

The most pathetic mini-bar in a hotel room ever. Only one can of beer? wtf?

The King-size bed is good for two people, and there’s three of us. So I slept on the bed whilst both my parents slept on the floor.
Sorry.
Obviously, my elderly parents slept on the bed. I can order an extra bed for myself if I wanted, but that would set me back an extra SGD$66 (RM90) and I’m kinda tight-arsed about it. Besides, its just one night. So I figured what the heck – I’ll just sleep on the chairs.
Chairs

Here’s my own five star treatment. Now imagine a full-grown man like me lying on it, with my legs spread-eagled across the armrests. I never felt more like a pregnant woman giving birth.

One hour lying on my makeshift bed and I’m already regretting. 🙁 My back was arching worse than a contortionist and my neck felt like it has detached from the rest of my body. Suddenly the SGD$66 seems like a very very small amount. We were staying at a hotel, but to me it felt more like staying at a refugee camp, except we had air-conditioning.
I contemplated sleeping in the bathtub but the cold ceramic didn’t appeal. Besides, my parents might need to use the toilet halfway through the night and the aroma they leave behind would be too uplifting for me to handle. I decided that sleeping on the floor is probably a better option, so I laid the pillow down on the carpet and slept on it for most of the night.
I woke up with aches in body parts I never knew I have.
Talk about stupid things you would do just to save a few bucks at a hotel. But I guess we all do it at some stage: sleeping on chairs, sleeping on floors, bringing down the mattresses to create more beds and coaxing the girls to share one bed hoping to see some hot lesbian showcase in the process. All part of the Malaysian way of sharing a hotel room, eh?

Signs The Wedding Dinner You’re Attending Is Shit

Distinctively Kuching 66 Comments

Need wedding reception favors for your big day? Find exactly what you are looking for in wedding favors here. Browse wedding sites and personal pages for special wedding favor ideas. You can also find unique bridal shower favors that are truly one of a kind. Check out this comprehensive site that covers everything from
wedding favors to djs and all the in between for the big day.



* Angry Post Warning: This was written at the peak of my annoyance. Any offense caused to anybody, whether intentionally or not, is duly regretted. All people depicted in the photographs below are mere models (unwillings ones) and are in no way related to the descriptions accompanying the photos.
AIYA! If you feel that my sarcastic jokes were getting too personal, by all means, just let me know and I shall kindly cooperate lah!
Now that’s out of the way…
Not so long ago, I had the luck misfortune of attending a so-called typical Malaysian-Chinese wedding dinner.
Actually I shouldn’t be so harsh about it. After all, the groom is the son of a family friend and I attended the wedding on my family’s behalf.
Then again, its not like I personally know who the bride and groom is. So screw it.
The last wedding reception I’ve been to is of my two close friends David and Geraldine’s. That was a simple affair: a registration ceremony, a get-together over coffee and cake, photos in the sunset, plenty of hugs, and they go home as husband and wife, happily ever after.
Hoping to get a similar reception in Kuching with your parents around? Fat chance.
I pity groom. No, not because he can no longer check out other hot chicks (well, that too). But because his wedding day is supposed to be a special day between him and his bride. Instead, the most important day of their relationship was hijacked.
What happened at their wedding dinner that prompted me to write this entry? See, they have every ingredient in my list of Top Nine Signs The Chinese Wedding Dinner You’re Attending Is Shit.
(Excuse the blurry pictures. I thought it would be rude to bring my digital camera to a wedding dinner, which is why I snapped these photos with my camera phone instead. Yes, I know it was still rude.)

Who Are These People?
9. The newlywed’s parents had invited their colleagues from work, their kopi-o buddies, their chess buddies, their friends from five different associations, etc. Before you know it, half the restaurant is filled with people the newlyweds had never met. Meanwhile the groom’s normally loud and obnoxious beer buddies were sitting in the corner table so quietly because they’re shy and afraid to offend the elder generations.

Man United Fans
8. The beer buddies didn’t stay quiet for too long, luckily. Because after a few rounds of free beers they had forgotten that the parents exist and started singing the Manchester United theme song.

Yam Seng
7. In a Chinese Wedding there’s always that yam-seng ceremony. I hated it because I was sitting comfortably and my seat had the moulded shape of my ass, but I had to stand because everyone else was standing.

Uncle and Auntie singing
6. There’s always that over-enthusiastic 40+ year old uncle/auntie who goes on stage and sing some stupid songs from the 70s like Ai Bia Jia Eh Ia (‘work hard and you shall win’). This old couple “sang” a song called Nang Wang Yi Ye Chin (‘Unforgettable One Night Stand’). What the fish? This is a goddamn wedding dinner! Take your wrinkly one-night-stand ass to the nearest budget hotel, you two dinosaurs!

Bad singers
5. If its not some 40-year-old uncle, then its that old classmate of the bride who was rejected by Trashcan Idol singing karaoke. Excuse me, we still need to eat here! What the hell is a karaoke machine doing in a wedding ceremony anyway? A karaoke machine belongs to a KTV lounge, not in a restaurant where people have to eat!

Baby crying
4. Somehow somewhere there’s always a baby crying. Maybe its a warning signal to the newly-weds of the things to come.

3. If its not some crying baby, then its those hyperactive kids wearing those… those… shoes.
Roller wheels
Gah, how do I explain it? Its these shoes!
Roller wheels
You know, the ones that come with those built-in wheels that make them slide. I HATE THEM! There’s nothing more annoying than to have to walk across a hall, and them have some kid glide past you like a ghost! Who the heck invented those things? Makes me just want to cut off their balls, put them into one of these shoes and slide them away into oblivion. Dammit I hate those shoes!

Wet towel
2. A plate of yummy fried chicken is served and you just wanted to gobble it all up because you’ve been waited 2 hours for your dinner (stupid invitation card asked us to come at 6pm and its now 8). But you can’t because there’s an elderly person sharing the same table with you. So you look at the food and he looks at the food and you look at him and he looks at you, and then you courteously ask the old man to ‘jiak’ (eat) but then he quickly replied ‘jiak-jiak-jiak-jiak-jiak’ in rapid succession. Feeling defeated because he said ‘jiak’ five times and you only said it once, you proceed to use your chopstick to pick up a piece of chicken and put it at the old man’s plate, but then he acted like its an atomic bomb and shouted ‘no! no! no! you first you first!’ while he put the chicken back into your plate, so you have to put it back on his plate but then he still doesn’t want it. So at this stage you feel damn tu-lan because you got so frustrated you just wanna stuff that whole piece of chicken up his nose and yell “EAT THE GODDAMN FRIED CHICKEN DAMMIT YOU OLD MAN!”

Wet towel
1. At the end of the night, there’s always that bloody annoying piece of wrapped wet towel where people would open it by squeezing the air inside to one end of the wrapper, then hitting it to make a loud POP. OI! Ever heard of class and courtesy? Obviously not!
Sometimes it felt as if a wedding is organised for the parents and not for the couples themselves. I mean, karaoke machines? C’mon! If it were left to me to organise my own wedding, I’d make sure:

  • You may yam-seng in your seat.
  • If you’re my beer drinking buddies, I shall secretly replace your alcoholic beverage with Shandy.
  • If you’re over 40 years old, you’re BANNED from using the Karaoke machine.
  • If you’re under 40 years old and does not have a recording contract, you’re BANNED from using the Karaoke machine.
  • Violation of the above karaoke code will result in the microphone being stuck into an orifice of your body of my choosing.
  • If you have babies who cannot stop crying, please kindly make use of the cellotape provided.
  • There will be no wrapped wet towels. Instead MAS flight attendants will be available to distribute the wet towels. No, you’re not allowed to ask for a cup of tomato juice from them.
  • The flooring will be covered with rocks and pebbles, so when kids with one of them bloody annoying shoes-with-rollerblading-wheels scoot around, they will fall down and I can laugh at them.
  • Last but not least, I shall invite only the people I know. If you’re not on my Friendster list, you’re not invited. Sorry.

Two Extremes of Human Intelligence in a Bank

Distinctively Kuching 23 Comments

Just a short texty update today. I’m bringing my father to Singapore tomorrow and coming back on Friday, so time is precious on my side. Obviously, I won’t be updating tomorrow.
I was at an RHB Bank earlier because I had to open a bank account for salary credit purposes. Being away from Malaysia for so long meant that I had forgotten almost all my Bahasa Melayu. I was never good in that language anyway. I always scoff at it because they used so much loan-words from English its not Malay anymore. For example,
What’s “computer” in Malay? Komputer!
What’s “account” in Malay? Akaun!
What’s “sex” in Malay? Seks!
Its ridiculous!
So I went up to this nice lady at the counter, who happen to be a typical Malay Muslim girl with the tudung and all, and I asked her nicely in the best Bahasa Melayu I could muster.
“Saya want to open a bank account with RHB!”
…
Damn! The whole sentence only one proper Malay word. Nice going, Kenny.
The nice Malay lady at the counter smiled at me and replied,
“Ni yao kai Savings Account hai shi Current Account?”
…
Yes, you read that right.
The Malay lady at the counter, knowing my superior excellence in the Malay language, does not even dare to compete with me! Which is why she spoke to me in perfectly fluent Mandarin for the next 30 minutes whilst she complete my application.
I was pleasantly surprised to say the least.
I have noticed a positive change in terms of racial demographics in Kuching lately, which I can only describe as vibrant. Today, apart from Malays who speak Mandarin and Indians who speak Hokkien, there’s also a large number of Ibans, Bidayuhs, etc who migrated from the rural areas to Kuching to attend Universities, and they all speak perfectly good English, albeit with an accent but that’s ok. And I love it! Alright, I admit it kinda helped that a lot of them indigenous girls have sizzling hot bodies, but still!
On the other hand, the Chinese population in Kuching are divided cleanly into three groups:
1. Chinese who speaks good Mandarin, but bad English;
2. Chinese who speaks good English, but horrible Mandarin;
3. Chinese who speaks the foul langauge like “Chau chee-bye! Kan ni nah!”
Fake LV Bag
I was chatting amiably with the Malay counter lady in Mandarin. Meanwhile, a middle-aged Chinese lady was standing by the counter beside me, her (obviously fake) Louis Vuitton handbag hanging on her arm, striking a typical rich tai-tai pose. Apparently she’s here to pick up her new AirAsia Mastercard, which is a pretty good credit card that allows you to earn points that can be exchanged for free flights on AirAsia.
Anyway, the counterperson arrived with her new credit card and the lady asked him, “So this credit card can only be used to buy AirAsia tickets one ah?”
“No ma’am, you use it like a normal credit card and the points you earned can be exchanged for AirAsia tickets.”
“YOU MEAN I CAN USE IT TO GO SHOPPING AH!?!?!?” she exclaimed so excitedly the old security guard suddenly woke up and drew his gun.
At this point, I can see the poor counter boy looking at her with eyes that say “OF COURSE YOU CAN USE IT TO GO SHOPPING LAH YOU STUPID DUMBASS! What kinda stupid credit card company would be dumb enough to only let you use it to buy budget air tickets only!?”
But instead, he managed the most insincere smile in the whole world and replied “Yes, you most definitely can do so. BITCH!”
Sorry I added the last word. 😉

What’s The Number to Call For Emergency?

Distinctively Kuching 22 Comments

Whilst we are still on the subject of tattoo, let us observe another example of ‘Engrish’ in Kuching. 🙂
Yeo's Tattoo Artist and GALLARY
I don’t know about you, but I don’t think I want to get any English words tattooed by this guy. Lest he spelt it kennyASIA.com, then I’m screwed.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Malaysian newspapers are so bad its funny.
I’m not gonna start bitching about having to endure front-page headlines EVERYDAY about some politician like Pak Lah or Taib Mahmud making a speech about what ‘we as citizens’ should or should not do, because frankly – just because you say it at some oh-so-important function with a photograph of you hitting some gong, doesn’t mean we’re gonna do exactly what you said we should.
But that’s for another time.
So, I was reading last Friday’s edition of The Borneo Post (18 March 2005), when I noticed this headline on Page 4.
CD Player stolen
Oh wow. RM600 stolen… La-FRICKIN’-Dee-Da! I had my Playstation 2 AND my XBox stolen only just one day after I bought them. Where’s my Page 4 headline, dimwits?
Anyway, just to sum up the story for you – basically this guy Ngiam (what an unfortunate name already) had his 4WD broken into by two burglars. Ngiam spotted them red-handed, but the suspects managed to jump into another car and drove away.
Well, I’ll let Borneo Post continue with the rest of the story.
The rest of the story
…
Let me try to digest this for a while.
‘999’ is not in use anymore!? Man, I’ve only been away for a while and they changed the bloody emergency number?
What the fork!?

The Thing About Tattoos

Understanding Women 74 Comments

Lately, I noticed an unmistakable trend in the number of people getting tattoos and other body mods in Malaysia.
Sarawak's very own rock princess Shal Sagan is a fan of tattoos and other body mods

Sarawak’s very own rock princess Shal Sagan is a fan of tattoos and other body mods

What was previously the symbol of ‘pai kias’ (bad boys) and a traditional rite by members of the Iban tribe, is now a fashion statement among young teens and twenty-somethings. One only need to venture to the nearest nightspot to spot the tattooed forearms, upperback, shoulders, hips and ankles among the revellers there. Tattoos are no longer sported by gangsters (or wannabe-kiasu-gangsters), but by a wide range of people from your local girl-next-door, to your high school teacher, to that high-paying executive of some multinational corporation. Its almost as if every male, female and their dogs are getting tattoos.
Dog with tattoo

Meet ‘Pie’, Dine & David’s precious dog. No actual dogs are harmed in the process of photoshopping a tattoo.

Speaking of Iban tribal tattoos, do you know that the Iban girls here have symbols tattooed on them indicating their skills or expertise at something (eg cooking)? I thought its kinda interesting. I know tattoo is an important part of the Bornean Iban culture. What I didn’t know that they do it to sort the girls like library books! Would any of my Iban friends like to verify this? Chrissie? Felicia? Heh. I’ve never seen Chrissie’s tattoo myself but I’m sure it has something to do with ‘buying shoes’.
What is Christine's tattoo?

Kenny thinks this might be possibly be the tattoo of Chrissie V.

Not all of them do it for fashion reasons. Some call it art, some do it to record an important period in their life, most just do it without reason and just for the heck of it. Its a case where because all my friends are doing it, so I might as well do it too.
Tattoos are so popular now that people who have tattoos long before they became widespread started to call these new tattoo-enthusiast ‘wannabes’. I haven’t heard much from people who regretted having a tattoo. If there are people like that then they probably aren’t too vocal about it. Most people do get addicted after having their first tattoo, and went on to have the second and third and so on.
20050321-4.jpg

I think he might have gotten a little bit carried away.

I can understand why people would want to decorate their bodies. What I can never understand is why people would want to decorate it something so permanent. Who knows what you want later in life, or whether or not it would impede your career if and when you move into the corporate world where it is traditionally conservative. A wedding planner, for example, would look out of place if she sports a tattoo on her shoulder when she wears a gown to her clients’ wedding, unless of course her clients are members of the local triad gang.
Anyway, this whole fashion-trend-sprouting-from-the-rebel-image thing reminded me of something similar about 10 years ago, when colouring your hair was still considered a rebellious act that only the “bad students” at my junior high would do. The “excuse” given by the teachers was because the lead content in the hair-dyes was high, the school is doing their part by protecting us from possibly poisoning our head. Of course, that didn’t stop them from dying their white hair to black because according to them, they’re dying their hair black so that’s different.
Bah! You know how hypocritical teachers are.
Despite the “warnings” some ten years ago, there seems to be more and more people with red/brown/golden hair than genetic Asian black hair. It was no longer considered an act of rebellion, rather a perfectly socially acceptable form of fashion. To girls, colouring your hair is as normal as putting on a hair band. To boys, colouring your hair makes you look like a member of F4.
Kuching F4

What Kuching boys look like when they try to look like F4.

Walking through the streets of Kuching, I can’t help but noticing more blonde heads than black heads. There’s so many Malaysians with blonde hair right now, sometimes I think I’m still in Australia.
Anyway, back to tattoos.
The reason I wrote about this is because a few months back, my girlfriend Nicole said to me that she wanted to get a tattoo. Usually I can just ignore it and she won’t mention it ever again, but I know she’s serious after she asked Joey (a dragon) for information. She even took the effort to go to the tattoo parlour with Tiffy (a flower) to look at some designs.
And I don’t like it.
Now don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against people who choose to get tattoos. There’s a lot of things that I don’t mind other people doing, but I won’t do it myself. Tattoo is one of them, as is smoking cigarettes, taking drugs, cheating on your boyfriend/girlfriend, joining al Qaeda, etc. These are things I won’t approve and things I won’t do myself, BUT if you choose to do it – that’s fine by me – and you won’t lose my friendship over it. Just remember to say hi to Osama bin Laden for me. 🙂
I’m actually quite liberal about tattoos because a good number of my closest mates have tattoos. But this situation is kinda different, because this is my other half, she’s a part of me… and she wants to get some ink on her that can last her the whole LIFE?! What am I gonna do about it?
“Its her body wat. She has control over it.” said one of my close friends in Perth, who happen to have a rose tattooed on her hip.
I tried to retort, “But – what if she got her tattoo and I don’t like it? That means I have to put up with it. For my entire life!”
“The point is that its her body, and she can do whatever she likes.”
True. Good point. But if that theory holds, that means because I own my body so I can do whatever I like with it. I can fly to Thailand, work as a gigolo, Nicole can do absolutely nothing about it because I’m selling my body… MY body! True?
“Besides, if you really love her you have to accept her for who she is.”
That’s besides the point… !
The point is, a tattoo is permanent. The “it can be lasered off” argument wouldn’t work, because laser-removal costs USD$3,000 at the moment and from what I know, hurts 10 times as much as getting the tattoo on in the first place. A tattoo is permanent, and if I were to know that she already has a tattoo in the first place before we got together then maybe its ok, but to introduce a tattoo halfway through a relationship sounds to me like a uh… violation of contract? 😉 I don’t know.
My girlfriend wants a tattoo, and I don’t want her to get one. I’m stuck in a dilemma between giving her the freedom to be herself, and me having to put up with something permanent I potentially dislike. Look, I just hope I’m not crossing the line and becoming a possessive bastard of a boyfriend, that’s all.
Am I the only one in this situation? Are there couples out there who have the same dilemma as I do? Does your partner want to get a tattoo but you oppose to it? Or do you want to get inked but your partner threaten to cut your balls if you do it?

FireFox and Malaysia-relevant Search Plugins

My Web App Reviews 30 Comments

Weekends are usually the time when the traffic to kennysia.com drops. I have no idea why but I think its because people are not at work, and hence no opportunity to slack off in front of their computer reading some mundane blog by some 22 year old Malaysian-Chinese in Kuching. That’s the reason why I usually take a day off blogging during weekends or write about crap no one wants to read, like my balls.
Today’s entry will be one of these.

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Mozilla FireFox
Have you ever heard of Mozilla FireFox? If not, then my friend, you and I need to sit down and talk. Just pretend I’m a Jehovah’s Witness knocking on your door preaching the Holy Bible. Or an Amway salesman, whichever your prefer.
See, all my life I’m surrounded by geeks and nerds. It doesn’t help that I’m one of them.
I am surrounded by geeks and nerds
These are the people who swears by Linux and Macintosh. These are the same people who believe Bill Gates is Satan, and Microsoft should be renamed “Might-work-Soft” as my ex-workmate David so affectionately calls it. And because of that, these geeks informed you that you must format Windows XP from your computer and start using Linux. I said to them “siao ah!”
A long long time ago, I never believed in the open-source movement. Free things are hardly ever good, which is why I always use Microsoft. I even paid for my copy of Windows XP. Yes, all RM 5 for it at my local CD shop. Oh wait, did I say RM 5? *cough* I meant RM 500. 🙂
I am surrounded by geeks and nerds
See, I’ve been using Internet Explorer for my web browsing needs for as long as I can remember. That’s until the geeks at Spectra told me that if I start using Mozilla FireFox, my balls would increase 2cm in diameter. So I downloaded FireFox, started using it at work and eventually I used it at home as well. Sadly, my balls are still the same size as before.
I didn’t notice what’s the big deal about FireFox initially, until I used it for several days. It downloads fast, installs fast and imports all your IE bookmarks seamlessly. I loved it so much that now, I laugh at people who still uses Internet Explorer because they’re probably still using tree leaves to wipe their asses. (Read “Flame Extinguisher” below)

What’s so good about FireFox? Well, that’s for you to discover. But I’ll point these out.
More security, less pop ups
Ever visited 100% HOT ASIAN SLUTZ only to get your browser hijacked to the point where everytime your dad opens the web browser expecting to read the news, he finds a picture of a naked lady instead? Internet Explorer is notoriously easy to hijack and attacked by malicious software, FireFox is not.
Live Bookmarks is good for blog readers
20050319-4.gif
I checked for updates of about 20 blogs I read everyday, but I can’t be bothered clicking on each one of them to see if they have updated. The solution? Live Bookmarks. If a blog supports Live Bookmark, it will show a orange square on the lower right corner of the browser.
20050319-5.gif
Click it to add it. Next time the blogger updates, you will see it as a new topic in the Live Bookmark. It’ll save you the effort, not to mention the bandwidth costs of the blogger. I’m sure the blogger will appreciate it. Add kennysia.com to your Live Bookmark and I’ll tell everyone how big your balls are.
Easy Built-In Search Engine
Search box
On the top right corner of the browser is a built-in search box for many websites and search engines like Google or Yahoo. Choose your engine, enter what you want to search, and voila – you’re there. Its so intuitive its a wonder why the genius Bill Gates didn’t think about it in the first place.
FireFox came pre-installed with search plugins only the Americans will appreciate. Do yourself a favour, go to C:\Program Files\Mozilla Firefox\searchplugins\ and delete the ones you don’t need. You can install new search plugins more relevant to you by visiting Mycroft. It installs as easy as two clicks.
If you know a bit of HTML, these plugins are incredibly easy to write. MyCroft doesn’t have too many Malaysian-relevant search plugins, which is why I created the following. If you are reading this using FireFox, just click to install.

I especially love the Yellowpages Sarawak search plugin. I use it at work all the time.
To conclude, ditch that shitty Internet Explorer, follow the trend and start using FireFox. What have you got to lose?
Any questions/requests/bug-fixes, let me know and I’ll do my best.
Flame extinguisher: Sorry I offended the 75.2% of kennysia.com readers who uses Internet Explorer. But as always, everything on this site is light-hearted fun, so have a sense of humour when I take a casual jab at you lah. I’m actually a nice humble guy in real life. Err… Yes, I am. So apologies to all the IE users out there, don’t be offended. And dammit stop using tree leaves and buy some proper toilet papers!

David Tao Showcase – Live in Kuching 2005

Event Coverage 33 Comments

Last evening I had the opportunity to attend the David Tao Concert… sorry… Showcase that’s held in the MBKS Indoor Stadium in Pending. The major sponsor of this event was Maxis Hotlink. The deal was: if you purchase a Hotlink startup SIM pack for RM30, you’ll get 6 tickets to the Showcase, as well as 20% off the latest David Tao CD. The reason why its called ‘Showcase’ and not ‘Concert’ is an important one, as I found out why when the evening progressed.
David Tao 'Showcase' ticket

The David Tao ‘Showcase’ ticket that I bought from an opportunistic passerby.

I can’t be bothered paying RM30 for six tickets as I have no plans of bringing 5 of my non-existent Kuching friends to come with me. All I want is one ticket for myself, so I showed up at the stadium hoping to do just that. I had no luck, as the Hotlink salesperson insisted that that I sign up for their prepaid card and get six tickets. Finally, someone with spare tickets offered to sell me one of his for RM10, so I obliged.
Enemy at the gates?

HELLOOOO… aren’t you supposed to be, like, saving the world?

The first thing that caught my eye as soon as I arrived in the stadium is the presence of military personnel. I’m not talking about the 5 or 6 of them that’s directing the traffic outside the stadium. I’m talking about a total of about 50 of them inside and outside the stadium! For a moment, I thought I was attending a concert by Mahathir.
How many military pesonnel

Count how many military personnel is in this picture. No prizes for correct guesses.

The second thing that caught my eye was the crowd in attendance. There was nothing, NOTHING that can prepare me for the horror that I had to witness. This event shouldn’t even be called a David Tao Showcase. It should be called the AhBeng-AhLian Fashion Showcase.
Behold, the latest in Kuching fashion…

The pink panthers!
The pink panthers!

The skinny-ass gangster-wannabe!
The skinny-ass gangster-wannabe! (aka la-la zhai)

The Ayumi Hamasaki-wannabe
The Ayumi Hamasaki-wannabe! (aka la-la loui)

And my personal favourite…

The embroidered quarter-pants!
The embroidered quarter-pants!

Faces have been pixelated or cropped to protect the ‘innocent’ (or was that the ‘guilty’) party.

The concert/showcase was supposed to start at 8pm. I went in there around 7:30pm hoping to get a good spot since its free-seating/standing, but alas, the stadium was already half-full. Nonetheless, with my handsome good looks, I managed to charm my way to the front, about 4 rows from the barricade.
Some teenage girls told me that they’ve been waiting since 6:30pm. If these kids go to school with the same enthusiasm they have coming to this event, their parents would be proud. The place was so packed and the air was so humid. As I waited among the crowd I was already sweating profusely. I thought I’d never complain about being surrounded by teenage girls, but mannnn… that night I was just hoping that those girls would leave me alone!
Fan with fan

Fans with the hands

Looking at the above picture, you must be thinking that the fans were going wild because David Tao just came on stage. Well, you are wrong. The big-ass cardboard “hands” provided by Maxis were used to fan the fans (err..?) themselves.
That DJ who can't cheer Kuching people up.

That DJ who can’t cheer Kuching people up.

The time was about 8:15pm but there were still no signs of the popular Taiwanese singer. Instead, we were treated to some monologue by a DJ from 98.8FM (which I never listen to), who tried to get the crowd going wild, with no success. Kuching people are made of wood I tell you.
Then came the stupidest, most time-wasting, most horrible part of the evening. The DJ tried to get people from the crowd to come on stage to play a game. After a good 20 minutes trying to get people with names like “Catherine”, or “David” up on stage, she ended up with five guys. The game? Each of them must sing a 2-minute snippet of a song from David Tao’s latest album, and the crowd will be the judge of their performance.
Total time waster.

Yes, they are reading lyrics off the album cover. Yes, its a coincidence 3 of them wore sleeveless. Yes, their singing was absolutely horrible. Simon Cowell would be proud.

For obliterating our eardrums and causing us mental instability, the DJ rewarded the five of them with prizes from Maxis Hotlink. I managed to catch up with one of the contestants after the show (Vincent, the guy on the extreme right), and he showed me what he received. A cardboard hand, a poster, a Maxis writing pad, a Maxis brochure, another Maxis brochure, all in a crappy Maxis paper bag. Not a mobile phone, not a sim card, not even a bloody CD. Those tight-ass selfish wankers.
David Tao appeared on stage

David Tao appeared on stage after much wait.

After another bout of trying to get us cheer David Tao’s name, the famed artist himself appeared on stage. He wore a pink Abercombie & Fitch T-shirt, slim fit tattered jeans, and a white belt so feminine I reckon Nicole would look good in it. I’m sorry girls, I like his music as well, but I just don’t see the physical appeal of this Taiwanese singer. You call him metrosexual, I call him a guy who had forgotten to pack his testicles from Taiwan.
David Tao in Kuching

David Tao singing ‘Ai Wo Hai Shi Ta’

David Tao’s first song on stage was ‘Ai Wo Hai Shi Ta?’ (literally “Do you love me or him?”). Let’s just say I was expecting a live band or something. The last two concerts I’d been to in Perth (Craig David and Vanessa Amorosi) both performed with live bands, and this one just disappoints. The vocal was good, but the background music was flat. It was just a glorified Karaoke show.
David Tao in Kuching

David Tao singing ‘Susan said’

David Tao’s second song on stage was ‘Susan Said’, which is one of my favourite songs on the new album. If you’ve heard the song before, you’d recognise that there’s a falsetto portion of the song followed by a rap which was really well done. (A ‘falsetto’ is when a guy deliberately make his pitch higher than usual in singing). The song itself was good, but when it came to David Tao doing the falsetto, I could see him struggling when he smiled nervously. I heard two voices, which led me to believe that the falsetto portion of the song was recorded into the Karaoke track. I was disappointed. He did the rap pretty good though.
David Tao’s third song… wait, that’s it. That’s the end of the singing. Two songs. Yes, my friends, and that’s the difference between a ‘Showcase’ and a ‘Concert’. After all that waiting, standing, squeezing with hundreds of sweaty teenage girls, and putting up with horrible singing from the five guys… what did I get? Two sucky Karaoke-fied songs. You know a concert is crap when the pre-show games lasted longer than the actual singing itself.
David Tao autographed

How I wasted a rare close-up photo of David Tao with my shaky hands.

The rest of the evening was allocated for the autograph session. The DJ emphasised that only the outer cardboard cover of the latest CD or cassette will be signed. Nothing else. Clearly that’s to promote his CD sales. But even if I have bought the CD and asked to have him sign the poster, the security… sorry, I meant military personnel wouldn’t let me. I have no idea why, but I’m not stupid enough to argue with our army men. No cameras were allowed on stage as well, but I managed to snap a blurry picture of David Tao close-up before 5 soldiers tackled and escorted me away.
David Tao autographed album

My autographed David Tao album is now for sale. RM50.

I did manage to get David Tao’s autograph on the CD. I bought it for RM35 on the day of the event. Then I thought… why the hell am I putting myself through all the crap just to get this stupid CD? This is a concert… I mean, showcase that wasted a good 2.5 hours of my life with 2 bloody songs! Its an event I’d rather forget. Which is why I am now putting this CD for sale, RM50, registered postage included to all parts of Malaysia/Singapore. 🙂
Anyway, I actually lined up again after the crowd subsided. I was hoping that if I’m the last few person, David Tao might actually be so kind as to pose for a photo with me. No such luck. I asked him politely “Wo Ke Yi Gen Ni Pai Yi Zhang Zao Ma?” (Can I have a photo with you please?). He said “Dui Bu Chi, Wo Bu Neng” (Sorry, I can’t). And before I knew it, I was tackled and escorted off stage again.
With nothing left to see or do, I went home. Meanwhile, I can sleep soundly, safe from the knowledge that in the event that my home country of Malaysia was invaded, the first thing our troops do would be to stage a live concert.
Malaysian army
May God bless them.

Osim iSqueez Foot Massager Review

Reviews 85 Comments

Osim is a company founded in Singapore that specialises in “health” products. By “health” products, I meant products like massage chairs and ‘weight loss belts’. Initially I thought that the company is Japanese because “OSIM” is “MISO” spelt backwards. Miso being my favourite Japanese soup. Anyway, the success of the company is incredible, transforming from an obscure company a few years ago, to a multi-million dollar corporation that expanded rapidly in Singapore, to Malaysia and in fact, the world.


Those Singaporeans sure are damn serious about their health.
Osim iSqueez foot massager

Osim iSqueez – Squeeze your legs (and maybe other body parts) for better health.

Osim iSqueez is yet another item in the list of many products that popularizes the use of small letter ‘i’ in the name, after Apple’s iPod, Helwett-Packard’s iPaq and George W Bush’s iRaq. The iSqueez (yes, that’s the correct spelling – no ‘e’ at the end) is a foot massage gizmo that, according to them, is “specially created to relief the negative effects of everyday stress on your feet and restore your overall sense of well-being”.
Whatever.
Osim iSqueeze price tag

At RM1,388 the Osim iSqueez does not come cheap.

Someone bought one of these baby as a gift to my father, which costs RM1,388 from the Osim outlet in Tun Jugah Shopping Mall. Unfortunately my father prefers a real foot reflexologist than some thousand dollar gadget. There are other types of foot massagers available, but I reckon most of them should be marketed under “Foot Tickler” label instead.
Osim iSqueeze back of the box

Osim iSqueez’s package looks very inviting.

The back of the box brags about the foot massager even further. “The revitalizing massage relaxes and restores, giving you that extra bounce in your steps, just like walking on clouds!” Heh. Man! Walking on clouds? The last time I heard someone THAT boastful is when I told people I wear XL size condoms.
Well, I like the overall design of the packaging. Props to the designer to come up with such a nice colour scheme. Oh, did I mention that it has a similar colour scheme to kennysia.com? Heh, it is a good colour scheme I tell you, white and light blue.
Anyway, the box itself already look pretty very inviting to the wallet. Of course, a few pictures of some nice smooth pair of legs wouldn’t hurt either. 🙂
Different ways of using the Osim iSqueeze

Different ways of using the Osim iSqueez.

There’s many different ways of using the foot massager. I would think that the most common way to use it is with you sitting down on a chair or sofa. Considering how heavy it is, I don’t think its something you would want to use lying down. After all if you happen to doze while using it, you might very well kick that lug of a thing down to the floor and break it.
Osim iSqueeze Actual photo
And here’s the actual photo of the Osim iSqueez. You are forgiven if you mistaken it for a toaster.
There are handles on two sides of the unit. Too bad there’s not much use of them considering the iSqueez is about as heavy as a PC, and you won’t be carrying it around much. Unless you wanna show it off to people, Singaporean style.
Osim iSqueeze Actual photo
The product is sturdy and well constructed. There’s two slots where you insert your feet and that’s where the action begins. These slots are covered with removable pieces of cloth, which you can (and should) wash regularly.
Osim iSqueeze Actual photo
All the buttons you need are located at the top part of the unit, one each for power, vibration and kneading (squeezing). You can set the strength of vibration to high or low (auto will alternate between the two), and the strength of kneading action (1 for strongest).
Osim iSqueeze Actual photo
So let’s see how the Osim iSqueez fare in action.
With the power off, I put my feet down into the slots (Pardon the hairy legs). The base and sides of the slots are uneven, but comfortable. The best way to describe the sensation is if you imagine yourself barefoot standing on a riverbank full of rounded rocks and pebbles.
Then, I set to vibration level to high. 🙂
Osim iSqueeze vibrating
…
Sorry, that was a bit of an exaggeration. How did it go? I felt like I’m wearing a vibrating condom of each of my feet. Nothing to shout about. I get exactly the same effect by rapidly shaking my legs whilst sitting down.
So I enabled the kneading action and set it to the second most powerful setting available.
Osim iSqueeze kneading in action
.
..
…
Excuse me while I return from heaven.
I doubted it initially, but I have to say… OH MY GOD, IT FELT SO FOOKING GOOD IT WAS ORGASMIC!!!
No, I did not wet my chair.
The first thing that happened as soon as I activated the kneading option, was the walls of the slots pressing in towards my lower legs. It felt very tight. At this point I felt as if I was wearing Nicole’s boots, comfy but darn tight.
Then the action began. Balls of silicone rolled onto my feet, my ankles and my calves. All of them focussing on the right pressure points. Within seconds, I was already lying back on the chair with my eyes closed, snoozing. Without looking, it really felt like two giant hands squeezing my feet, ankles and calves simultaneously. At this point, I started to wonder if I’m still straight, gay or machine-lover. It felt so painful, so sore, yet so pleasurable. (What the foot am I talking about here?)
There’s only one issue when something so magical works on you – you keep screaming “more! More! MORE!”. Although the iSqueez was touching me at all the right spots on my lower-legs, I was hoping it could do something about my toes and the base and roof of my feet. Those are the areas that need massages as well, and they seem left out from all the action.
After 5 minutes of massaging on the same spot, I started to feel rather sore and uncomfortable. I turned the power off, tried to get up and walk, but I floated instead because my feet felt so light. Seems like Osim wasn’t lying when they said you would feel like you’re walking on clouds.
Osim iSqueeze makes you walk in the clouds!
Stupid iSqueez. Damn you for being so fucking comfortable!
Anyway, is this thing worth RM1,388? I don’t know. I think its quite expensive for something that’s good for one thing. It feels good initially, yes, but you do get sore after a while so its not particularly relaxing or addictive.
Then again, that’s just my personal opinion. Honestly, its not something I would want to buy for myself because I know its probably just gonna sit there and gather dust after a while. I won’t be surprised if Osim follows Apple’s foodsteps and perhaps come up with Osim iSqueez photo (lets you take pictures of yourself in heaven) or Osim iSqueez mini (portable lightweight version of the iSqueeze). Then again, I wouldn’t hold my breath. 🙂
That said, I so totally love the idea of a foot massager that squeezes your legs. I’m not kidding when I said that it feels really good and it really relaxes you. Shoppers who frequent enormous shopping malls like those in KL and Perth would really appreciate this nifty gadget. If you have some spare RM1,388 lying around, then get it.
Now…. if only Osim can come up with something similar for my manhood……

A Bad Influence To Kids

Out of the Ordinary 7 Comments

I had wanted to update last night. I bought myself a wireless router, tried to be a smart ass and set it up with my existing ADSL modem, and ended up with no internet connection at home for the whole night. Heh. Anyone wanna hire me to set up their company’s internet connection?
Update: The reason to all my woes? An outstanding StreamyX bill of RM470. Sometimes, all the technical knowledge in the world is no use when you can’t even remember to pay your bills.
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Team America
SPOTTED:
Team America: World Police DVDs in the Children’s DVD section.
At least we know what went wrong when the kids start singing “Malaysia… FUCK YEAH!”

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