Author: admin

Guide to Gawai Lights

Distinctively Kuching 38 Comments

The Gawai (not to be confused with the Japanese word ‘Kawaii’, which means something else completely different) is a uniquely Sarawakian harvest-cum-thanksgiving festival celebrated by the native Dayaks here every 1st June.
kch

Hello Kitty. This pampered pussy changes into her cultural clothes every festive season. I call her the Barbie Doll cat.

Whilst the Malays are the natives (or bumiputeras) and form the dominant race in Peninsular Malaysia, the Dayaks are the dominant race in Sarawak, just as the Kadazans are the dominant race in Sabah. A lot of them are from the rural area, but have since migrated to Kuching city for work and studies.
A common misconception held is that the Dayaks are similar to Malays because it seems as if both races speak the Bahasa Melayu as their mother tongue. In actual fact, the Dayaks speak a language that is very similar but not identical to Bahasa Melayu.
kch

Jalan Padungan. You can call it Chinatown, but Kuching city is majority Chinese anyway.

Apart from that, the Dayaks are now very modernised and drastically different to the bloodthirsty headhunters the history books tell us. Most Dayaks here practise Christianity instead of Islam. They are also bloody good alcohol drinkers, and the younger ones have damn cool English-sounding names like ‘Matthew Anderson Lockhart’.
One thing I appreciate living in Malaysia is that almost all races here get to celebrate their respective festivities. I forget how good it felt because I don’t have that kind of luxury when I was in Australia. I can personally attest that hauling your ass to work/lecture on the first day of Chinese New Year isn’t the best feeling in the world.
kch

This is how we celebrate festivities in Kuching… by making our streets a little bit brighter.

So anyway, I was in the city last night practising my night photography skills when I noticed a particularly interesting set of decorative lights along Jalan Song Thian Chiok that seems to be telling us some story. Its a bit like pictures in the Egyptian pyramids really.
I know they’re supposed to depict customs and cultural practices of the Dayaks here. But someone not born here might not be able to understand what’s going. So here’s what they might intepret it instead.

kch
This is a story about how the Dayaks celebrate the Gawai Festival.

kch
All day long, the men sit on their butts smoking their big-arse Sarawakian cigarettes. What’s this Dunhill thing you’re talking about? Dunhill is for pansies. Sarawakian cigarettes are for real men, like us.

kch
Feminism? Never heard of it. Our bitches spend their day and night rolling them big-arse Sarawakian cigarettes for us, the real men. For entertainment, we dress them up in skimpy clothes so we can watch them shake their asses while we smoke our life away. Ooh yea, baby.

kch
And, errrr…

kch
Usually them chicks do a good job out of it. But sometimes they don’t. So we gotta teach them a lesson, eh?

Of course the Dayaks are all really friendly people and they’re not like that at all. But decorations like that can easily be misinterpretated, eh? 🙂 Happy holidays, my fellow Sarawakians.

If I Could Be A Blogging Musical Baton

Re-discovering Myself 33 Comments

Oh dear. The entire blogging community is going through ‘meme-mania’ right now. Please excuse me while I go into exile.
Except I can’t. I’m supposed to be whoring for votes since its Blog Awards season. Alright, so I’ll do the memes, but under one condition.
If you choose to send me a meme, then I reserve the right to:

A) Post up photos of you, if you’re a girl.
B) Post up photos of your wife/girlfriend, if you’re a guy.
C) Or if all else fails, I’ll just post up photos of your mother.

Its kennysia.com policy. 🙂
Let’s face it, a long and texty entry can be quite boring when there’s no pretty pictures to look at. Without further a do, kennysia.com very relunctantly and not-so-proudly presents to you this Super 3-in-1 Nescafe Mix Meme entry.
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The If I Could Be Meme
Tilia is a little-known Malaysian blogger who described herself as “technically, every men’s wet dream”. It isn’t that far from the truth considering she’s one “hot little cheerleader” through and through.
twila

What? She’s the one who passed me the meme? I don’t want to play already.

I didn’t believe her at first because the name ‘Tilia’ sounds like the name of that wrinkly old hag ‘Twila’ from Survivor Vanuatu. But I just checked and Tilia is confirmed a real cheerleader.
Here’s one interesting thing about Tilia. Instead of calling her comments ‘Comments’, she called it ‘Orgasms’.
I wanted to leave her a comment, but I felt kinda guilty giving her an ‘Orgasm’ and walk away just like that. Hey, I don’t think many girls would appreciate getting an ‘Orgasm’, only to see the guy head for the shower room without at least some cuddles and kisses, right?
tilia

Meet Tilia. Looks like she received multiple comments ‘Orgasms’… on her blog.

So anyway, Tilia tagged me with the ‘If I Could Be’ meme, which basically requires me to choose 5 3 occupations and complete the sentence “If I could be a scientist / doctor / rap artist / CEO of Microsoft / priest / world famous blogger etc…” you get the drift.
If I Could Be A Priest. Then I’ll be staying with Michael Jackson at the Neverland Ranch, baby. Good things are meant to be shared.
If I Could Be A World Famous Blogger. I’d accidentally lose my digital camera, plead for donation, suddenly find my digital camera, then refund my donation again. 😉
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If I Could Be A World Famous Blogger, this would be my site.

If I Could Be A Missionary, I’d wondering why I ain’t a Cowgirl or a Doggie.
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The Blogger’s Baton Meme
This one is from minishorts.net
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Minishorts is the small one. Not the big one.

The best entry I’ve ever blogged is:
All my favourite entries are filed over here. Considering I got two ‘marriage proposals’ and an award nomination out of my April Fool’s entry, many would say that’s my best entry. I’m happy I made you laugh. 🙂
But for me, the entry I wrote the day I scattered my father’s ashes still affects me the most everytime I read back.
The five blogs I read that may be better than mine:

1) Lainie Yeoh. Breaking every social norm there is to break. If life as a lesbian is that interesting, I want to be one too. Actually I’m a lesbian trapped in a man’s body.
2) HB. Breaking every social norm there is to break, and MORE. Widely regarded as one of the blogging pioneers from Sarawak. My layout of kennysia.com is inspired from his site.
3) Finicky Feline. I’ve only just started reading her and I’d be lying if I say her entries didn’t crack me up. Her “Guys Suck” thread blow my “Understanding Women” thread to smithereens.
4) Wendy Cheng. Because she’s my *cough*wife-to-be*cough*. 😉
5) Scarlett Ting. Because she’s my “other wife-to-be”. In all seriousness, she’s the first person I can honestly say I got to know through blogging. If you read some of her entries, you probably can’t understood what the heck she’s writing. Don’t blame yourself though, her entries are indeed more cryptic than dialogues in The Matrix.
As for me, I just enjoy looking at the pictures.

I know my readers are addicted to my blog because:
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OH COME ON! Quit lying to yourself! You know you love me coconuts. 🙂

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The Musical Baton Meme
QUESTION: What do Scarlett Ting, IngHui and Lainie have in common?
ANSWER: Yes, they are all girls. And they all want to see me play with my ‘Musical Baton’.
I wonder if their ‘Musical Batons’ are battery-operated.
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IngHui passed her ‘baton’ to me. I don’t know what to do with it.

Total volume of music files on my computer:
30 Giga-fucking-Bytes. That’s 5817 titles, 406 hours of non-stop hits.
The last CD I bought was:
David Tao autographed album
I still wanna sell it though. Hey, I can even autograph it if you want – but I think that’s gonna make the CD go down in value instead.
Five songs I listen to a lot, or that mean a lot to me:
I’ve uploaded the songs so you can download them here. Be quick though. The links will mysteriously disappear in 3 days time. 😉
1. Jasemaine Gan – Thinking of You
Jasemaine Gan is a singer/songwriter/composer/blogger. She sent me one of her songs titled Thinking of You in an effort to cheer me up following my father’s passing.
I’m honoured. Of the many things writing this blog brings me, one thing I cherish the most is that it puts me in touch with people I wouldn’t possibly be meeting otherwise in real life.
2. F.I.R – Love Love Love
Its a great up-tempo song to sing-along to. Never fails to put me in a perky mood.
3. George Michael – Roxanne
I enjoy this bass-filled jazzy number by the toilet-incident man himself. One of my goals in life, when I have the time and the money, is to operate a cafe/jazz lounge. If I do succeed in that, then this song will be playing in my cafe 24 hours a day, effectively driving my customers away and putting myself out of business.
4. Corrinne May – Fly Away
What can I say? Its the one song that reminds me so much of my own situation.
5. The only song I listen to EVERYDAY is Oren Ishii’s Theme from Kill Bill Vol. 1
Why, you ask? Its my bloody alarm clock ringtone THAT’S WHY! I tell ya, nothing prepares your day better than imagining yourself as Oren Ishii marching down that corridor in Kill Bill Vol 1 as you drag your sorry ass out of the bed and into the loo.
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“Silly Caucasian girl likes to play with samurai swords.”

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Phew! What a lengthy link-ridden entry this one is.
Oh yeah, I’ve forgotten to pass the baton on to someone else! Silly me.
Here goes.

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Don’t tell me you didn’t expect this to come.

Alright, that’s it guys. Have some mercy. Please don’t meme me anymore!

Vote me! Vote me!

Life Documentary 32 Comments

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Guess what? I’m shortlisted as a finalist in the Project Petaling Street (PPS) Blog Awards! In two out of three prestigious categories no less!
This could mean one of two things. Either I’m one bloody good blogger. Or people in the Malaysian blogging community have finally gone crazy liaw.
But in all seriousness, I’m very flattered. Although I have my serious side from time to time, what I write here are usually very light-hearted and perhaps even ‘infantile’ in nature. There are ‘mature’ bloggers out there (both in terms of their content and their age) who fully deserves to be awarded Blog of the Year. I know I’m not one of them.
Many people believe that Jeff Ooi deserves the Blog of the Year award, but yet he’s not one of the finalists. Well of course not. That man is obviously eyeing his Freedom Blog Awards. He’s not gonna take this PPS bullshit!
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In any case, I’m very surprised and I’m very flattered. Judging by the silly things I write, I never regard myself as one of the best bloggers Malaysia has to offer. It makes my balls grow bigger knowing that there are people who do, and I sincerely thank you for that.
If I win these awards, somebody should buy me a new pair of underwear.

Blog of the Year

Ping of the Year

VOTE HERE.

Only Malaysian bloggers registered with Project Petaling Street can vote though. Singaporean readers can show their support by hanging a big kennysia.com banner across Woodlands Checkpoint. Or you can just tell me you love me when I hijack attend the Singapore Bloggers Conference on the 16th July.
But anyway, I won’t ask you to vote for me, because Kenneth Chiew will. 🙂

Soon, Stupid People Will Be Taking Over The Blogosphere

The Blog Culture 56 Comments

There’s this two questionaire thingies going on in the blogging community right now. One is the ‘If I Could Be’ meme, and the other is the ‘Musical Baton’. I got both of them handed to me and I’ll answer them soon.
I have nothing against memes. Memes are fun. I admit its interesting reading some of the replies bloggers have to those questions.
Yet at the same time I see frightening similarities these questionaires have with, all of things, forwarded e-mails. Suddenly, I have this genuine fear that soon… the blogosphere will be taken over by stupid people.
pps

An army of stupid people is building, waiting for the right time to launch a surprise attack on the peaceful blogging community.

Ever since their very early incarnation in the forwarded e-mail days, people who send chain letters and good luck charms and surveys and questionaires have been annoying the heck out of me.
I’m not talking about spam. Spam is another issue entirely. I’m talking about forwarded e-mails sent by PEOPLE YOU KNOW.
These are people who are so retarded to type a sincere e-mail, they rely on forwarded mails to ‘communicate’ with you. After a while I actually forgotten that one of these people used to be my primary schoolmates because now I think of her as ‘that girl who always forward useless e-mails’.
Its the same thing all the time.

A) Your generic “I love you, life is beautiful” type of bullshit. Then they ask you to make a wish and if you forward it your wish will come true. But if you delete it THEY CURSE YOU TO HELL.
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So what happens if after you’ve made your wish, and I make another wish hoping that your wish wouldn’t come true?

B) Forward this e-mail to your innocent friends and one very boh-liao millionaire will give you a lot of money for absolutely no reason at all. Because you’re worth it! 🙂
C) Some poor kid is dying of some horrible disease and some Mahatma Gandhi will donate money if you forward this mail to 500 people. If you delete it you have no heart. Never mind the fact that IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO TRACK HOW MANY OF THESE E-MAIL MESSAGES WERE SENT!

Gah! What the fuck is wrong with these people!?
Sometimes I wonder how these e-mail forwarders think with so much shit clogged up in their brains. Or maybe they just get an orgasm everytime they hit the “Forward Mail” button.
fwd

This is how forwarded e-mailers get off.

Thank god for the invention of junk mail filters because now, anything that starts with “FWD:” in the subject line goes straight to my recycling bin.
Luckily for most of us, things quieten down eventually and I’m starting to get less meaningless forwarded e-mails now. But just when I thought I have my peace and all these is finally over, Friendster and its Bulletin Board come waltzing in and HELL STARTS ALL OVER AGAIN.
fstr

Oh no! Friendster is closing down my account!

Like, duh. Can you believe that there are people out there who CANNOT deduce that the message was a hoax based on its crappy English and lack of professionalism? I can’t either, considering some of the people who sent me these messages are bloody University graduates.
The sad thing is, the population of morons is only going to increase exponentially.
Chain letters started from paper-and-ink. They have since migrated to forwarded e-mails, and then to Friendster. The only reason for their proliferation is because these dimwits kept hitting the forward button and spreading them. I think its only natural that these chain letters invade the blogosphere next.
As a matter of fact I’m gonna lay down a bold prediction.
“kennysia.com predicts PROPHESIES that soon there will be chain letters on blogs. And that these chain letters will be spread around by stupid people like herpes.”
Here’s an example.

PLEASE POST THIS ON YOUR BLOG SO THIS LITTLE BOY CAN LIVE. YOUR ENTRY WILL BE TRACKED AND A CHEQUE WILL BE MADE BASED ON THE FINAL COUNT!!!
Dear All:
This is the request of a special little boy who will soon leave this world because he has no arms, no legs, no head and no testicles. By you showing this to as many people as possible, you can give him and his family a little glimmer of hope. That’s because on every blog that this is posted on, the White House will donate USD1 towards his treatment. If this is posted on more than 100 blogs, George W Bush will donate both his testicles to this little boy!
On a side note, my balls will also expand knowing that you actually listened to me… but you don’t need to know that.
Just think. Instead of that little boy, it could be you one day. Post this on your blog. Its not even your money, just your time!!!
IF YOU DO NOT DO THIS YOU HAVE NO HEART!
Dr. Kenny Sia
Professor
Center of Research into Human Stupidity
University of Uranus

Remember, you’ve seen it first on kennysia.com!

Stupid Computer Error Message

Out of the Ordinary 32 Comments

Half-arsed update for now. Full-arsed update later tonight.

I know I never write anything about my profession over here. I have my reasons.
But since it is the Gawai holidays this week (a ‘Harvest Day’ the local Dayaks here observe), I’m feeling a little extra generous. Here’s a glimpse at the kind of shit I have to put up with at work sometimes.
20050531-1.jpg

Eh hello? No keyboard how to press F1 or DEL?

Times like these, I feel like taking the next available flight to Redmond, Washinton and whack Bill Gates pimply little face into smithereens with a computer keyboard.
Yes I know this error message has nothing to do with Microsoft. But no one likes Bill Gates anyway.

Wax Hand Union Review

Reviews 47 Comments

Making a wax model of your own hand seems like the newest money-wasting fad in town.
waxhand

Good to see. Nice to hold. Totally useless like an asshole.

I spotted one these Wax Hand Union kiosks in Tun Jugah Shopping Centre a few months back. Since then, a couple more of these kiosks mushroomed all over town, usually manned by bored-looking Ah Bengs napping in their seats.
As is the case with every other fad franchising business, these kiosks eventually lose money, close down, and slowly disappear one by one.
Out of curiousity, I got a wax model of my hand done a long long time ago. Naturally, I chose the most appropriate hand gesture that came to mind.

waxhand

“WHAT? WANNA FIGHT AH? NAH!!! KANEBO CHAO CIBA VISION!”

That was around two months back. I kinda left the wax model in the cupboard and forgotten all about it. The recent spate of childish attack comments on my site suddenly reminded me that I had this ‘secret counter weapon’ hidden away.
Unfortunately when I dug it out of its box, I found this instead.
waxhand

Oops.

Damn. There’s nothing more frustrating than a body part turning flaccid when you needed it most.
So anyway, I was at Tun Jugah yesterday shopping for some business shirts at G2000 when I impulsively decided to get another wax hand model done.
The girl at the counter quoted me the price of RM10 for a single hollow hand wax, an additional RM5 for a base, and another RM15 if I were to make it solid.
waxhand

Exhibit A: A typical money-losing business.

I was tempted to pay RM30 to go for the full package considering my middle-finger wax model had collapsed earlier. But then I thought RM30 for crappy wad of wax isn’t worth it. She however, convinced me to go for a hollow model and if it were to collapse, she’ll do me a solid one for another RM15. I agreed.
waxhand

Ice Ice Baby.

I opted to do a wax model of my half-clenched fist.
The girl first immersed my hand into a container of ice-cold water. This is to numb my hand sufficiently for the hot wax later, but I think she overdid it. The water was so cold I almost went into hypothermia.
waxhand

Feelin’ Hot Hot Hot!

And here’s my hand dipped into hot wax. I always thought ‘dipping my hand into hot wax’ sounded kinda kinky. Not this time.
She dipped my hand into cold water and hot wax alternately for a couple of times until a layer of wax forms on the surface. Its a little painful to have my ice-cold hand immersed into hot wax immediately. My half-clenched fist contracted involuntarily which means the end result probably wouldn’t be what I wanted.
waxhand

From this angle, it looked like I was tweaking her nipple but I swear its not like that.

Finally a thick layer of wax has formed tightly on my hand. The girl umm…. gave me a hand by peeling my shaped wax off. It felt bizarrely good. The sensation is like removing a tight sweaty hand glove on a hot day. I was lucky the hair on my hand didn’t go with it.
All that’s left to do is touch up on the model…
waxhand

The HAND model, not the GIRL model!

Dip it into some coloured wax…
waxhand

Choose between red, blue or yellow!

Attach it to the base…
waxhand

Yes I chose a heart-shaped base. Don’t ask. They don’t have much choice.

TADA!
waxhand

My very own wax hand model!

Brilliant, eh?
So, the next big question is then… what the foot am I gonna use this for?
waxhand
Well my friends. Surprisingly, there are many ways an additional hand can come in err… handy.
For example, you can use it to act like you’re in shock.
waxhand
Put in on your desk and show people how much bling-bling you’ve got.
waxhand
And err… I leave it up to your imagination here. 😉
waxhand
Anyone have any other suggestions?

Not A Typical Day

Life Documentary 30 Comments

I had wanted to update earlier. But I logged on to MSN last night.
Kimm. No mood.
Ting. Gloomy.
Nicole. Upset.
Gee, what did I do wrong? Someone please talk to me leh.
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I visited Gambs at his workplace yesterday afternoon to look at some of the stuff he’s selling. Gambs works at Huygens, which is coincidentally where another well-known blogger HB works at as well.
Huygens

Huygens Asia – Remote Surveillance cum Blog Reading company

I think word about kennysia.com must have gotten around their workplace or something. I have a feeling my face is being recognised. Even before I entered the office, one of their workmates standing outside was giving me a grin wider than a Cheshire Cat’s ass.


Dude: *BIG GRIN* “You’re Kenny Sia right?”
Kenny: *puzzled* “Yes I am. And you are?”
Dude: *shy* “No, I’m… uhh…. nothing! The office is just right there!”
Kenny: *confused* “Thanks.”

I seriously hope he’s not imagining me in my red boxers. Gee, you Huygens people are weird. That annoying Kung Fu fighting rat must have gotten to you.
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My5tICal: “3 CHEERS FOR KENNY~!! U MADE MY DAY.. SONG BO XIAXUE??”
Anonymous: “Good 1 there!!! She juz simply arrogant and behave like a bitch!”
Haha: “This blog is good unlike some arrogant bitch(XX) who thinks she’s all powerful. Love the XX parady very very genuius. Hope to see more of it.”
suckmydick_xuexue: yeah…she deserve it..the bitch…..who she thinks she is……

Awww… you poor little angry people. Here’s a T-shirt for you to cheer you up.

t-shirt

Comes in sizes S, M, L, and F… for ‘Fuck You’.

I wrote an e-mail to Wendy because I was upset at some of the hate comments my ‘wedding proposal rejection’ entry has generated. It doesn’t take a PSLE of 269 (whatever that is) to work out that we were simply just joking around and both our entries was done both for the amusement of ourselves and for the entertainment of YOU, the readers. Unfortunately all it takes is a couple of idiots to say some hurtful words and then what was potentially funny ends up becoming unfunny.
feelings

Everything I write you also angry. I want to protest liaw.

I understand that the overexposure on her on mainstream media and other blogs contributed to people believing that she’s overrated. I don’t blame them. Its like the Paris Hilton effect. And no one can expect to be loved by everyone. Not even the Pope.
What I’m trying to say is this – if don’t like someone, you may criticise, but I implore you to criticise sensibly, constructively and in a civil manner.
At the end of the day, bloggers and politicians and catwalks models and Hollywood superstars are but mere humans who have emotions, just like everyone else around you. You be nice to me and I’ll be nice to you. When we read insensible attack comments like that, your objective is achieved because it makes us feel like utter crap.
Its easy for you to hurl insults, and its easy for others to tell us to ignore them. But I ask you. How would you feel if I were to call you an arrogant shit-eating son of a bitch?
woof
I explained to Wendy that it wasn’t my intention to bring her down or to make fun of her at her expense. I was pleasantly surprised she wrote back in a few minutes time saying that she understands and invited me to talk to her on MSN.
Gee, I think if you tell me 5 months ago that I’ll be shaking hands with sixthseal or talk to XiaXue about ‘alternative uses’ of shoulder massagers on MSN, I’d laugh at you and tell you that my name is Kenny Rogers.
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Oi my fellow countrymen. Support a bit leh.

I promise I’ll stop writing about XiaXue and anything remotely Singaporean after this entry.
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Anywho, on a more light-hearted note, its plug time!
YuHui didn’t seem to get as sick from the XX-overexposure as many others did. As a matter of fact, he’s the only person left on planet Earth who still believes in the Kennysia-Xiaxue Blog Wedding. Introducing siaxue.blogspot.com!
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Oh no… ITS PINK!

Considering both the supposed bride and the groom will not be attending, I think YuHui is gonna have fun singing karaoke and drinking beer by himself come 20/06/2005.


Scarlett Ting appeared on an ad with Silk Air promoting their new Singapore-Kuching flight. I laughed out loud as soon as I saw the ad because the guy in it reminds me so much of myself.
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sassyjan got excited when I quoted from one of her entries. To ‘commemorate’ this ‘momentous occasion’, she created this nice little button.
sia suey
Thanks for the button, Janice! It certainly is my pleasure to ‘sia suey’ you. 🙂
Come to think of it, maybe I should create a button for myself to commemorate the blog princess’ marriage proposal too.

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Yoda leh! Don’t play play.

Why I Should Date Singaporean Girls

Favourite Entries Understanding Women 102 Comments

She wasn’t the first girl to throw a marriage proposal my way, you know.
I’m always gonna remember twirly mouth babe Scarlett Ting as the first one who (jokingly) asked me to marry her. Then there’s Finicky Feline who didn’t propose, but named me as one of the guys she’d date. I tell you, reading their entries is enough to make my testicles grow to twice their original size.
sketch

Hmmm… which one should I choose? [Ting art by Jayaxe, Feline masterpiece by Caleb. ]

Coincidentally, the three ladies share a common trait, ie they are all Singaporean. Alright, I know Ting is from JB and Finicky Feline is from Penang. But to me they are still Singaporean. See, Kenny’s definition of a Singaporean is someone who has been living in Singapore for a considerable amount of time. NOT someone who doesn’t understand what their own national anthem means because its in bloody Malay.
The whole thing got me thinking once again of a hypothetical situation. What if I am single and available and looking for a girlfriend; and what if XiaXue, Ting and Feline weren’t joking and were 100% serious about wanting to hook up with me?
I think my first reaction would be “HAR? YOU WANNA DATE ME? YOU SIAO GINAH AR?!”
Siao ginah

Hair Contortionist – An example of a ‘Siao Ginah’

That’s not discounting the ladies because obviously they are arguably the most wanted and eligible bachelorettes in the blogging community. Its just that I’d be totally dumbfounded why anyone would consider me boyfriend material. I am, after all, just an average-looking guy from the small city of Kuching who still lives with his mother and two dogs with no names.
Yes, my two dogs have no names. I kinda ran out of doggie names to call them, so the poor bastards have been called “Oi, YOU!” for quite some time now. At one point I even named them ‘Jayden’ and ‘Kirsten’, after my sister’s two children. Don’t think my sister is gonna be too happy if she finds out.
Anyway, back to the topic at hand.
I’m not gonna lie here. Nicole can chop me to pieces later, but I find Singaporean women in general very, very, very attractive. By ‘attractive’ I mean either they look pretty, or they have a nice character, or both.
They are so attractive in fact, even the Malaysian girls who’ve lived there come back looking pretty. I’m being honest here. To date, I haven’t yet met a Singaporean girl I can truthfully say is ugly. Sometimes I feel I’m a little bit out of their league.
Regardless, here I am taking a page off Finicky Feline’s book err… blog, and present to you – reasons why myself (and perhaps other Malaysian men) should and should not date Singaporean girls.

Why I should date Singaporean girls:
1. Singaporean girls have fantastic fashion sense
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The MNG, the m}phosis, even the This Fashion (or was it That Fashion? heh heh) all deserve a medal for sprucing up Singaporean girls with something nice to wear and giving the guys something nice to look at at the same time. 🙂
2. Singaporean girls have a good sense of humour
Two girls I know in Perth (Candice and Rekha) are perfect examples of this. Actually I reckon Singaporeans in general have a good sense of humour. They know the difference between a sarcastic insult and a sarcastic joke, and they know when to take things seriously and when to have light-hearted fun. I don’t have to worry as much about offending someone when I joke.
3. Singaporean girls are more open about their sexuality
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This one you can see for yourself in their blogs. Singaporean girls have no hesitation talking about sex in the same blog where they put their photos and real name, wheras Malaysian girls feel the need to hide behind an anonymous pseudonym before they can write anything about sex. Why ar? Social stigma lah.
4. Singaporean girls are capable of forming their own opinion
Despite my parents’ insistence, I have absolute zero interest in quiet docile women who looks sweet on the outside, but hollow on the inside. I don’t like girls who follow exactly what I said to the dot and keep quiet if I did something wrong that they don’t like. I don’t wanna date a maid who accepts everything I ask of them. I want girls who have brains and can think for themselves, not a doormat. Singaporean girls know what they want, and they say what they want. It makes the relationship more ‘human’, and that I admire.
5. Singaporean girls know how to party
I went to Zouk once and I was amazed to see the girls there doing the Para-Para, the Teppanyaki, or whatever dance you call it. I tried to dance but end up looking like I was jogging on the spot. Maybe dating a Singaporean girl could turn me into a Michael Flatley.
6. Singaporean girls are health conscious
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Nowadays its all low fat, low carb, low everything. Can save money on dinner ‘cos she’ll just be drinking a glass of water.
7. Singaporean girls are more financially independant

Salary in Singapore is better and the exchange rate to Ringgit is pretty good at the moment. Money is never enough. Then again, having a lot of money is one thing. Unfortunately, knowing how to spell the word “BUDGET” is another thing.

Why I should NOT date Singaporean girls:
1. Cash, Car, Condominium, Credit Card, Career.
I don’t have lah!

XiaXue And I Are Getting Married!

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Its not an everyday thing that I can claim that I am the source of every man’s envy.
Today is one of those rare occasions. I woke up this morning, checked my inbox and found out from my readers that Singaporean blog princess XiaXue Wendy Cheng has mentioned me on her 8,000 visitors/day blog. I head over to her site immediately and… believe it or not, the very attractive XiaXue posted an entry on her site ASKING ME TO MARRY HER!
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Yes, XiaXue expertly executed to perfection ‘The Blogger Method’ in Sassyjan’s Guide for Desperate Female Singles Who Still Want Eligible Bachelors

The Blogger’s Method
Profess your love for him on your blog.
Write about how romantic/macho/hamsem he is.
BUT, say you know that he is out-of-bounds cause he’s attached, but you can’t help but fall for him.
Get your blogders/girlfriends to whore your Blog and make sure he reads it.
Again, let him think you are suffering in silence.
Men’s instinct will naturally want to protect you.

Whoa! Executed to perfection!
Why did XiaXue choose me? She blind ar? Someone like XiaXue could’ve chosen that Alt-F4 wanker Jerry Yan, or that tiny-dicked elf Orlando Broom. But no. Despite me having three-layered cake on my stomach instead of her favourite penis veins, XiaXue chose me. Me, ME, ME!
Heck, she even dedicated the entire entry to me and gave me five reasons why I should marry her. Well actually, I was only featured in a quarter of her entry – the rest of her entry was about how pretty she looks. But hey, something is better than nothing right? At least she thinks that I deserve to be sucked.
Well… Actually she meant my bandwidth deserves to be suck, not me. BUT STILL!
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Anyway, according to XiaXue, one reason why I should marry her is because ‘She Is Yoda’.
Now, I don’t get it. WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANNA MARRY SOMEONE WHO LOOKS LIKE YODA?! Can you even begin to imagine what Yoda would look like in the NUDE? Wrinkly green hairy ass and all. MAN!

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On the night of his wedding, Kenny found out that his wife is not what he thought she’s supposed to be.

I think our in-bed coital sessions is gonna be very ridiculous.

XiaXue (as Yoda): “Kenny sweetums. Horny I am. Fuck me you must!”
Kenny: “Yes, master.”
*Undress. Kenny mounts XiaXue*
XiaXue: “Mmmmm…. Very nice that feels. Long lightsabre, you have!”
Kenny: “Thank you, master.”
XiaXue: “Ooooh, fuck me harder my padawan! Use the Force! USE THE FORCE!”
Kenny: “Ohhh… Yes, master.”
XiaXue: “Stop you must not! Cumming I am! CUMMING I AM!”
Kenny: “Hold on, master!”
XiaXue: “AAAAH!”
*BOOM! Xiaxue explodes*
Kenny: “Master?! MASTER!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

Ok lah maybe its not that bad.
But there is still one problem with the marriage proposal though – I already have a girlfriend. But hey, let’s assume a hypothetical situation where I’m still single and available. And XiaXue has indeed lost her mind and decided to throw away the rest of her beautiful life by marrying me. Holy shit, what kinda wedding that would be?!
This is where I consulted my crystal ball (conveniently located inside my pants) and looked into the future…

The Wedding
It is not gonna be a conventional wedding in a hall filled with people you don’t know and ah pek / ah mah singing ‘Ai Pia Jia Eh Ia’ on the karaoke machine. No no no! XiaXue and I will be making history by holding the first ever Interblog-Wedding.
Sorry readers, xiaxue.blogspot.com and kennysia.com will be no more. Instead, the two blogs will combine into one brand new husband-and-wife blog site.
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I shall call it… SIA XUE! HAHAAHAAA!!

The Pregnancy
What’s the point of getting married if you don’t form a family right?
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EEEEMMMMMMMKKKKK!

Yes I know this picture has absolutely nothing to do with pregnancy. In fact it looks like XiaXue is sitting on the toilet bowl doing her number 2 business when someone barged in and snapped a photo of her. No idea why she’s smiling so happily though.
I put up this picture because I remember fondly when I was very young and naive, probably around 5 years old, I asked my mother where babies come from. My mother, obviously trying to avoid explaining the birds and the bees and the male and female anatomy, simply told me that babies come from ‘the mother’.
“But where? Impossible that the baby appears suddenly for no reason one bah!” innocent little Kenny asked.
“Ummm… it comes from the kacheng, dear. Just like when you pang sai.”
“Really? So whenever I find my sai very big and very difficult to squeeze out of my kacheng, it means that I’m having a baby too?”
*frustrated* “Err… yes dear!”
The horror! Ever since that conversation with my mom, I cried everytime I had constipation because I thought I’m gonna create a mini-Kenny that’s gonna drop into the toilet bowl and he’s gonna die because I wasn’t quick enough saving him.
I hate adults sometimes.

The Children
Now here’s where the bad news come.
Although we had hoped that our child look as cute as Abbie or Jayden, that is sadly not the case.

Meet our future daughter, Wenny Sia.
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And out future son, Kendy Sia.
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One big happy family!
*sigh* I don’t know, my dear XiaXue baby. But somehow I have a bad feeling that this is marriage is not gonna work out. Sorry!

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