Poor dude. He needs to get his money back from whoever made this sorry-ass signboard for him.
Poor signboard maker. He needs to seek out his primary school English teacher and ask for a tight slap across his face.
I don’t think there’s another signboard out there with more spelling mistakes than this one.
I Want To Go Back To Perth
This was one of the toughest questions posed to me during my “Ask Me Anything” stunt for the Blogathon charity. (Btw, have you sent in your donation?)
(From aunty@uncle.com)
Hey Kenny,
I’m wondering if you’re coming back to Perth, as in “semi-permanently”. I’m guessing here, but you’ve got Australian permanent residency right? I’m just wondering if you are considering coming back to Perth. Or, even to Melbourne or Sydney or Adelaide. Or UK.
I know this is a bit personal. But the main reason you left Perth is because of family-related reasons (I’m sorry about that), but now that everything is settling down, would you consider leaving Kuching again?
As a third person, who doesn’t know you, I think Kuching is not the place for you. I can sense that you enjoyed the (8) years in Perth a lot and it brings you lots of good memories. I strongly think that you’d be better off in Perth.
What do you think?
I just got off from a pretty good chat with Nicole via Skype last night. These days, such nice conversations between us are rare. In the past when I talked to her, it felt as if the emotional distance between us is catching up with the physical distance between us.
Its no secret that I like Perth and I miss Perth. Its difficult not to. Once upon a time, I had a fantastic job doing what I like. I was earning a handsome AUD$40k pa salary, I enjoyed my Saturday nights drinking coffee with friends, and I got to work out at Fitness First instead of Gym Masyarakat.
Of course it is unfair to compare Perth with Kuching – I’m not trying to do that. Kuching is my home, it will always be my home and it will always be the place I return to eventually. However at 23 years old I have a thirst for adventure and a hunger for knowledge.
Kuching would be where I want to be if I’m 30 years old, married with a wife and two kids, tied down with commitments and looking for some stability in life. It’s just not the place I belong to when I’m still 23 years old with all the freedom in the world and the energy of a young bull.
But I HAD to leave Perth. I’d blame myself for the rest of my life if I didn’t. I have only one father, and to be by his side for the remainder of his life is the least I could do as his son. THE LEAST.
I HAD to be here for my mother, otherwise she’d be all alone.
I HAD to work in my current profession eventhough I didn’t like it, nor am I ready for it. I must be lying through my teeth if I said I enjoyed my job. But I HAD to. I was in no position to debate with my father when he was lying on the bed and I was standing there healthily. I HAD to let my father see that I’m helping him achieve his goals before he closed his eyes forever.
Don’t get me wrong, I do not hate my job. But settling down on this stable desk job is what I would do a few more years down the track, not right now. Now that I’m already in this position, I cannot leave. I have to stay and learn the ropes in this business, because the people who are gonna show me the ropes are not gonna be around forever. Its now or never.
I HAD to leave Nicole. I’m not talking about leaving your girlfriend for a few months, come back again and then start living life like a normal couple again. If that’s the case, I can live with that.
I’m talking about being away from your partner, possibly for the rest of your life. For the rest of your life. That, I CANNOT live with. Who in their right mind would want to be in a perpetual long distance relationship? This is not a scene out of The Notebook, this is real life.
The dilemma I’m facing is that we ARE in a committed relationship, but we’re not committed enough to give up our position to be physically next to each other. I cannot leave Kuching, and she’d be stupid to give up Perth to live in Kuching. Don’t even talk about marriage – its an impossibility as neither of us are ready for that. At least, not yet.
The worst thing about this is that when I left Perth, we didn’t exactly leave on good terms (we were in that we-need-to-give-each-other-personal-space kinda stage), and that’s how we ended up in a half-fucked relationship right now that’s neither committed nor uncommitted, neither serious nor casual, neither short-term nor everlasting.
I hated it when people asked me what my plans with Nicole are, and I had to reply “I don’t know.” The truth is, I really don’t know. I asked my mother when I had this discussion with her what’s going to happen to me and Nicole, and she replied “There’s nothing much you can do about it.” She’s right.
Had I thought of breaking up completely? Yes I had. But both of us agreed that its such a waste for a 4-year-long relationship to go down the drain, not because we stopped loving each other, but because of circumstances. That said, I sometimes wonder if the way we are right now that we’re holding onto nothing, if we’re better off seeing someone else than to waste our youthful years on each other. But I relented.
It’s situations like these that made me feel so confused about my direction in life.
I want to go back to Perth so I can save up money to travel to Europe and backpack and see the world before settling down permanently in Kuching. I want to go back to Perth so Nicole and I can live like a normal couple once again.
I want to go back to Perth, yet I cannot bear to do such a selfish act. I’m tied down by my duty to my parents as their son, my responsibilities to my late father as his torchbearer.
Nouvo Club Review
This is yet another very old entry from my trip to KL once upon a time in a land far, far away. I actually completely forgotten about writing this entry until nal1210 made a passing comment to my by e-mail that she saw me before, and she saw me at Nouvo.
Situated on the corner of Jalan Ramlee and Jalan Sultan Ismail, Nouvo is one of the most popular dance clubs in KL. The sexily architectured building is a landmark by itself right in the middle of the Golden Triangle’s busiest nightspot. Nouvo shares the same building with Sangria, a R&B/hiphop club. I ventured down there the night after the PPS Bash to check out the hot chicas the nightlife our nation’s capital has to offer.
Coincidentally there’s a party going on that night.
VIPs get to enter for free before 11pm. I got my free invite from Juice Magazine but I arrived 30 mins too late. That 30 mins proved to be costly as I had to pay RM30 to enter the club.
I was kinda loitering outside the club around a bit hoping some kind soul would bring me in for free. But heh, fat chance. I succumbed to the fact that the chances of being recognised was too slim and I paid my way in instead.
The inside of Nouvo is stylish, clean and elegant. Its very spacious. There’s chandeliers and disco balls and the number 3s (its Juice magazine’s 3rd anniversary) hanging from the ceiling.
The large dance floor area is located right in front of the DJ booth and comfy lounge chairs are scattered surrounding the dance floor and on the second floor. The setting reminded me very much of Metropolis Perth.
House Music and Drum ‘n Bass seem to be the musical theme for the night.
I was disappointed to see that the club was quite empty. Its probably only 40% full. There’s no one dancing. People there just seem content enough to huddle around the bars, beer in hand, staring at an empty dance floor. Geez, what’s wrong with you people?
It looks like all the action was in the VVIP room on the second floor. That’s where all the friends and employees of Juice magazine were congregating. I didn’t know if I was allowed inside the VVIP room or not, but I walked past the bouncers confidently nonetheless and helped myself to some cakes and free drinks. π
kennysia.com believes in the principle that if you’re not invited to an event, you can always invite yourself.
I was happily working my camera away when I heard someone yelled “KENNY! OMG ITS KENNY! KENNY SIA IS HERE!” very excitedly.
Seems like someone do recognise me after all. (Damn, I’ve already paid my RM30)
This is Azhar. He reads kennysia.com. Hi Azhar!
A friend of his helped me take this photo. Later he passed my camera to Azhar, then uttered the most ridiculous line I’ve ever heard. “Aiya I dunno who you are lah, but you look like a celebrity anyway so I’ll take a photo with you lah.”
Gee, thanks.
KL girls in the club were game enough to pose for my camera. Some of them even fingered me and asked me to take photos of them. I wasn’t even using a huge professional SLR or anything like that, just a standard digicam.
These girls probably think they’re gonna end up in Juice mag. Too bad they just ended up on crappy kennysia.com. Sorry!
There’s something odd about this picture.
1. What’s a Muslim lady doing in a dance club? Correct me if I’m wrong, but I thought it’s haram for Muslims to work in entertainment outlets? (I’m asking a question, not condemning the act lah ok?)
2. Sweeping away rubbish while a party was still in progress? That’s like rearranging the deckchairs on the Titanic.
As the night dragged on, only the Juice people (Juicy people?) were left in an almost empty club. Finally there were people on the dance floor. A short unedited video clip of the night can be downloaded here (Quicktime MOV, 9MB).
Some decided to do away with the glasses and took drinking to a whole new level.
And some were clearly not up for it.
Carlsberg – 1 Man – 0
The DJ played Akon’s Mr Lonely at 3am to let people know the club was shutting down. I don’t know why they played Mr Lonely. Probably its to tell us that the lucky guys had already left with the girls, and the guys remaning in the club are all Mr Lonely.
All your ladies are belong to Darth Vader.
To their credit, the DJ was good and the music playing that night was excellent, but I didn’t feel like I enjoyed myself that night. The energy from the crowd just wasn’t there. Perhaps it was a Friday night. Perhaps everyone had gone to either Zouk or Bangsar or Hartamas for their clubbing needs. Whatever it was I doubt I’ll be heading back to Nouvo anytime soon.
Where’s the hot nightspot in KL?
The Most Patriotic Malaysian Car Ever
Here’s a guy that deserves a place in the Malaysia’s Book of Records.
This is the kind of car that would make the my balls swell to three times their original size. Seriously, how could ANY Malaysian NOT be proud of a car like this?
I bet the car stereo is playing Negaraku when he’s driving.
The guy’s got so many flags on his car that if he ever gets killed in a car crash, the country is gonna give him a Hero’s burial.
Man, I’m proud to be Malaysian. I shall go tattoo the Malaysian flag on my back right now.
kennysia.com English – Benglish Translator
Want to assist your child’s learning with English lessons? Then using these great English lesson plans made for teachers can provide your children extra help. You can find great literature on how English books measure up and which ones meet state standards. The lesson plans will help you follow along with their English learning. Also check out these great resources for teaching your kids English and achieving good grades.
|
|
I was happily writing my Ah Beng entry last Saturday when suddenly I sensed something was amiss.
Notice how on the Internet, we have these English – Spanish translators, English – Chinese translators, etc. Heck, we even have an English – Gangsta Talk translator. But has anyone ever noticed that we do not yet have an English – Benglish translator.
Think about it! We have literally tens and thousands of technology graduates in Malaysia and Singapore working their asses off each day for giant corporations like Motorola. And for what? Does it benefit our own people? NO.
On the other hand, we have all these Ah Bengs and Ah Lians on our streets. They rather drive their modified Kancils with boom-boom sound instead of surfing the Internet reading blogs. Why, my friend, its because they feel neglected! Neglected by society! Neglected by school! Neglected by all these proper English-speaking people! We only care for ourselves. But what about them?
GODDAMMIT WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE AH BENGS?!?!
The English we use on the Internet all so cheem-cheem one, how do you expect those Ah Bengs to understand? Can you imagine an Ah Beng surfing the Internet or not?
“EH! Wat all this lan jiao Googur chee bye Brogspot!? I DONCH KNOW ONE LEH!”
Poor Ah Bengs. π I’m sure they all feel very left out.
And that is why over the weekend, I flexed my programming muscles and came up with this English – Benglish Translator. Its just something I quickly put together in my spare time, and there’s only around 100 words in the dictionary right now, so its not gonna perfect. Any suggestions, let me know.
|
|
Recommended readings:
– Project Petaling Street in Benglish
– Tomorrow.sg in Benglish
– XiaXue in Benglish
– Minishorts in Benglish
– Joel Tan in Benglish
– Mack Zul in Benglish
– Cowboy Caleb in Benglish
– Finicky Feline in Benglish
– Vincent Lau in Benglish
If you’ve found any funny Benglish-translated sites worth visiting, comment and share lah!
I Wonder What They’re Suggesting
The Urban Wire is Singapore Ngee Ann Polytechnic’s online newsmagazine.
Photo from luvphobia.blogspot.com
I was interviewed by them during the blogger convention and they’ve published their story here. Do check it out. There’s a very horrijible photo of me over there.
Speaking of which, can someone be kind enough send me a scan of my interview in KLue magazine? I’ll be eternally grateful. π
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Spotted outside a shop at the Crown Square shopping centre.
Any girls out there like to try some of these… pussie accessories?
Anyone?
Writing An Ah Beng Blog
I noticed lately there’s been an explosion of blogs written by Ah Bengs within the Malaysian and Singaporean blogospheres.
In Malaysia, we have this Cantonese blog and that Hokkien ‘bollock’. I have to say, the Hokkien blog impresses me even until today. Limpeh still find it quite amazing how that Hokkien Lang is able to spell all these bloody Hokkien words using English. Even his readers also comment in Hokkien instead of English! Waliew!
Then over in Singapore, those Ah Beng and Ah Lian bloggers lagi more power. From Apple Lim to BlinkyMummy to Big Fuck Rambo Tan, to Rockson Takumi Tan’s Talk Rock which spawned imitators like the now defunct Emilio Jackson Tan and the Ranting Rock.
These are all very popular blogs and I admit its guilty pleasure reading them from time to time. I realised that suddenly Bengism is not just a subculture others would look down on, because when you can cuss with style and write words like “KNNBCCB that NKF, TT and CPF!” dammit YOU ARE COOL OK!?
Seeing as how being an Ah Beng is cool once again, I decided to try my hand, and write the rest of my entry in Benglish – ie, in broken English, heavily applying swear words, and excessive use of the word ‘ok!?’
KNNBCCB!!!!
All these news about Rafidah Aziz I read until my coconuts also turn from green to red liaw. That bloody Rafidah gave out 67,000 car import permits, 28,000 of those to just FOUR of her Bumi friends. KNN your friends all drive Jaguar and we’re still fucked by Kancils. Not fair ok!?
Actually hor, I got no problems if she gives those free permits to the Bumis lah. Otherwise they won’t be in the sell car business one. Long long time ago all these Malays sell sell satay and rendang, now sell BM and Honda. Good lah!
But fuck, wanna give permit also have to see who you give it to ok? Some ppl got no caryard you also give, no showroom you also give, no office with chiobu secretary in miniskirts you also give. Give them AP for fuck?! Where you think they gonna store their cars?! Inside their kacheng kang issit?! KNN damn kuay lan ok?!
How come they look so alike one?
Those import permits might be a piece of A4 paper to you but is worth a lot to us. One piece of paper you give for free to your Bumi friends with no car yard. You think they go take the paper and sell car one is it? Cheebye lah you kena conned. They not in the sell car business, they in the sell paper business ok!? Those paper they sell it to all their non-Bumi friends ok!? Not 50 sen not RM1, but RM40,000 for ONE PIECE of lan jiao fucking paper ok?!? CCB my ten year salary also not that much ok!?
See lah now you anger Mahathir already. Mahathir you also dare to anger. LIMPEH MAHATHIR IS PROTON ADVISOR OK! He no like imported cars one ok! He the biggest most powerfullest person in Malaysia ok?! Even me, Kenny Pukima Sia, also scared of him one ok!? Last time Anwar so nice carried his balls, then when he try to fuck with Mahathir see what happened… Mahathir fuck him back deep deep now and Anwar have to pang sai like waterfall!
Mahathir: “You’ve been a bad girl Rafidah…”
Ah then Mahathir scold you and then you cry. And now you say what want to abolish AP! KNNCCB!!!! Already give out 67,000 permits still dare to say want to abolish AP!!! NABEH ten years ago can abolish you don’t wanna abolish. Now give out all these free permits and make all your friends rich rich liaw then say you want to abolish!!! KANINA RAFIDAH!!!
Your cheebye talk so much crap! No wonder they complain the air in KL smell like shit!
Fuck your motherfucking permits lah!!!
Longer Than One Singapore Minute
As part of his contribution to the Singaporean National Day, patriotic mr brown started this meme called “One Singapore Minute”.
He’s asking his fellow countrymen to take a series of photos within a minute to show what their country means to them. All the photos are then collected and displayed here.
Since our National Day is also just around the corner, I wanted to start a “One Malaysian Minute” meme too. But thanks to the haze, I think all the photos from our KL bloggers are gonna turn like this.
Regardless, I contributed towards the “One Singapore Minute” meme. I know I’m not Singaporean and all that lah. Then again, Singapore’s LianHeZaoBao newspaper also said I’m Singaporean liaw, so I think I must be one.
From zbNow (LianHeZaoBao), 4th July 2005.
Here’s my photo set, taken at the New Asia Bar on the 70th floor of the Swissotel Stamford from my last trip to the city state. I have to confess – these shots were not taken under one minute. It should have been that way, but that tulan bartender took ten bloody minutes just to get my drink ready. My One Singapore Minute became my Ten Delayed Minutes.
Singapore Sling on top of Singapore City itself. Doesn’t get any more Singaporean than that. π
Speaking of the lion city, what’s with almost every Singaporean I know heading over to Kuala Lumpur these few days? Why go KL? Got haze lah, go KL do shit? Come to Kuching lah.
The haze situation in KL is getting so bad even the garblement is declaring a state of emergency. The problem is, other than closing down all their offices, nobody seems to know what else to do under a state of emergency. The only thing the people there were told to do is this.
Everyone is waiting for the thick white smoke blanketing the nation’s capital to clear up and disappear. So the garblement and residents in KL are all praying for a miracle, praying for the wind, praying for the heavy rain to fall…
KANINA IT RAINED ICE INSTEAD! They must have prayed a little too hard liaw. Poor bastards.
Times like these, it feels so darn good to live in Kuching.
Blue skies, fresh air. Ahhh… bliss. π
Toni & Guy Hairdressing Review
This is a very old entry from my trip to KL once upon a time in a land far, far away.
Toni&Guy is a London-based hairdressing chain with salons scattered all over the world. Their Malaysian franchise is located on the second floor of the hip-n-chic Lot 10 shopping center, right in the heart of Kuala Lumpur’s famous Bukit Bintang shopping district.
I was about to meet a whole bunch of strangers at the PPS 2nd Anniversary Bash later that day and I desperately needed a haircut. There’s gonna be girls and media presence at the event, so a man’s gotta look his best ya know?
Toni&Guy’s interior design is modern-looking but it isn’t particularly glamourous. The floor space is kinda small. There’s probably around 6-7 seats available, but only 2 actual hairstylists were working. On display at the shopfront are various products from TIGI Bedhead and L’Oreal. Because they’re worth it. π
I was quoted a price of RM60 – RM120 for a regular stylist, and RM160 – RM220 for a senior stylist. But since no regular stylists are available I was able to get a senior stylist to do my hair for the price of a regular one.
Here’s a shot of me before my haircut.
I entered the shop around 6:30pm. I was told a typical hair-cut-and-wash usually takes around 45 minutes, so by my estimation I should have enough time to travel from Bukit Bintang to Dataran Mederka to attend the PPS Bash at 7:30pm.
The seat was made of faux leather so its nice and comfy albeit a little warm. I was offered a choice of drinks and I asked for iced-water.
It didn’t take long for one of their junior hairstylists to lead me to the back for some shampoo and massage action. I was secretly hoping its a girl who’s gonna do that for me, but kanasai lah – its a guy. I wanted to request for a girl, but even the girl looks like a guy.
In the end, no difference also lah. I accepted my fate loh.
I rate massages at hair salons into three grades.
(A) “Good.”
(B) “Average.”
(C) “Oi, your first day at work ah?!”
For a premium hair salon, its unfortunate I have to rate Toni&Guy a ‘C’ in the massage department. The massage was a total joke.
He started yawning after he finished with me.
It was weak, unenergetic and ended way too prematurely. Perhaps its because I’m used to ones lasting more than 20 minutes. But man, I say that guy probably lasted 5 minutes max. It felt as if the only reason he went at me was because its his job, not because he really wanted to do it. The whole thing is a wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am affair. I wasn’t even properly satisfied. I was so disappointed I couldn’t have more.
Yes, I’m still talking about the head massage lah!
This is my senior hair-stylist for the day, Tosha Tan. This is actually the first time I hear the name Tosha (sounds like short for ‘Toshiba’). The guy who did my hair at Alan Salon was called McPhee.
What is it with hairstylists and unusual English names? Whatever happened to John, or Michael?
Anyway, I was asked how I’d like to have my hair done. I wanted him to come up with a suitable hairstyle for me so I answered “Do whatever you want. Be creative.”
I just hope Tosha don’t shave my head and put tattoo on it.
Tosha was servicing another patron in the salon at the same time, so he had to switch between my head and her head every now and then.
Overall, I think Tosha came across as someone who knows his shit right down to its texture and colour. He is very patient and he definitely has an eye for detail. My only small complaint is that he’s… just…. way…. too….. slllooooowwwwwwww.
I was already late for the PPS Bash, but the guy was only halfway done. I didn’t want to rush him of course. Remember, rushing your hairstylist is always a bad idea.
The junior hairstylist emerged again to lead me to the back for another round of shampoo and a half-arsed massage.
Look at his face you also know he wasn’t too happy about having to perform twice in one night. Poor dude.
Tosha finished the job by applying clay on my head for that spiky matte effect. He used L’Oreal A-Head Clay, which costs around RM50 for a small 50ml tub. Expensive stuff right there.
It feels good to see my hair standing proud and erect. Too bad it goes limp very quickly everytime I sweat underneath this hot and humid Malaysian weather.
I left Toni&Guy VERY late for my appointment, TOTALLY unsatisified with the massage, and a MASSIVE RM100 poorer. That was definitely the most expensive haircut I’ve ever had in my entire life, but I think its worth it. After all, I did leave with a head I can be proud of.
Its expensive, but I actually like this hairdo a lot better than the one I had at Alan Salon. Maybe I’m just not a fringe person.
So what do you think? (My hair lah, not FireAngel, ok? I know she’s so bloody hot and everybody wants her, but too bad I cannot link her. I accept bribes though.)
Joystick
Dine and David came back to Kuching all the way from Perth earlier this week. We met up for dinner just then and I cannot help but to be reminded of how much I miss Perth – the weather, the lifestyle, and most importantly the friends I have over there.
Kenny: “Hey you got a new phone! Same as mine.”
David: “Yep. Sony Ericsson K700.”
Kenny: “I got a lot of problems with my phone.”
David: “Like what?”
Kenny: “My joystick isn’t functioning.”
David: “Huh? Your… JOYSTICK isn’t functioning?”
Kenny: “Yeah.”
David: “…!”
Kenny: “NOT THAT JOYSTICK LAH!”