Author: admin

Newspaper Headlines

Distinctively Kuching 123 Comments

“Hopefully, the media can also give fair and balance coverage to all candidates and parties taking part in the elections this time.” — Election Commission Chairman Tan Sri Abdul Rashid in Bernama.

The front page headlines and photos in Sarawak’s only English newspaper in the days leading up to the State Elections all have one thing in common. Can you spot what it is?

3rd May

4th May

5th May

6th May

7th May

8th May

9th May

10th May

11th May

12th May

14th May
(Hey I wanted that birthday gift too!)

15th May

16th May
Yep, that’s about as fair and balanced as a fat elephant walking on a tight rope. Drunk.
At least it’s better than the state’s only English tabloid’s full page tribute.

You know, maybe one day I could become so famous that instead of publishing my blog on the lousy Internet, I will publish my daily life on the front pages of the state’s largest newspaper, and have them delivered to people every single day.

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I Need A Massage

Thoughts & Musings 64 Comments

My back hurts.

I miss the Thai massages I had in Phuket. It’s difficult to find massages of similar quality and professionalism here in Kuching. Every other massage places here are either dodgy ones with half-baked skills, or ones that mistakenly employ masseuse training to become WWE wrestlers.
I reckon Osim should stop producing overpriced massage chairs and just pack a Thai masseuse in a box and sell it.

Confirm I’ll buy.

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Royal London Circus

Event Coverage 82 Comments

The Royal London Circus is in town, just about to finish up their Kuching leg of the tour when I was given an invite to check them out.

My last circus experience was when I was about 5. I’ve grown out of watching clowns and magicians since. But it was an invite I might as well experiencing it one more time.
Tickets cost RM25 for the cheap seats, right up to RM55 where the action is as close as it can get.

The opening act features all the circus performers coming out to do the most unenergetic dance in the whole of mankind. Seriously, if this were the American Idol, half the performers would’ve been booted off within the first five seconds.

I’m sorry but for an opening dance, that was awkward. Maybe only the kids would enjoy it, but I don’t get the fascination of clowns prancing around in big shoes and red nose.
To make things worse, there was The Spandex Problem™.

Holy cow, take look at THAT THING! Hey, I came to the circus expecting to see animals, but I sure didn’t expect to see so many Camel Toes!

OMG can die lah like that. How to enjoy the show when the performers look like they’re not wearing anything at all?
Luckily, things start to pick up after that initial traumatising experience.

As far as stunts go, there were plenty of action to put you at the edge of your seats (or bench, if you paid for the cheap tix.)
Some of the stunt were pretty crazy, like skipping rope on top of a rotating wheel 30 feet up in the air. I shudder to think how many times he broke his bones just rehearsing that trick.

Undoubtedly the best act of the night goes to the two ballet dancers who performed their number by flying in the air hanging on a piece of the red cloth.

No death-defying stunts, no lame comedy, it’s just a beautiful and romantic ballet guaranteed to tug the heart strings. I think that act was worth the price of the entrance ticket alone.
The rest of the evening was pretty much standard circus fare.

Doggie jumping tricks.

Err… questionable juggling tricks.

Hungry elephants gobbling up humans for dinner?

Cooking an egg on a clown’s back. Good when you’re camping and don’t have a stove ready. But first, you gotta get a clown somewhere…

Despite some rather anti-climaxing moments, I say the Royal London Circus was a pretty solid 2.5 hour show.

The finale features 4 stuntmen riding their dirt bikes whirling inside the globe, simultaneously. It was some thrilling stuff. A second of miscalculation would spell disaster for all 4 men involved.
I reckon the police should use this method to punish those hoons on the road with loud exhausts and let them kill themselves off.

Eat your heart out, Xiaxue. *flutters fake eyelashes*

The Royal London Circus comes once in a while to most parts of Asia. It’s no mean feat bringing around this gargantuan group of performers from 17 different countries, animals, admin staff and props all over the place, but organisers Paul and Doris have been doing so for the past 20 odd years and still find joy doing what they do.

Personally, I reckon they’re doing heckuva fantastic service to the community travelling to all the small towns in Malaysia. Lots of kids living in these areas may perhaps never even be given a chance to see a circus if it weren’t for them.

The circus was good fun and definitely worth a watch if you have little kids to bring along to. I left the circus thoroughly and completely entertained.
One thing for sure, this image will continue to haunt me for the many nights to come.


I can’t sleep at night anymore. πŸ™

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Sarawak Erections Update

Distinctively Kuching 80 Comments

KUCHING, May 9 (Ber-niama): Erection fever is heating up in the East Malaysian state of Sarawak as the official nomination process completes today.

All eyes are on the Erection Commission (EC) as they announce the candidates in the state that saw the ruling Libra Party dominantly controlling a massive 61 out of 62 seats (98.4% majority) in the State Legislative Assembly.
The Libra Party is widely predicted to “score” this erection once again, but not without some resistance from the newly-reformed Opposition.

All the usual suspects are in the Opposition. Last erection, missles fired by Rocket Party failed to meet their target, enabling the Libra Party to rule the State Assembly with absolute power for the past 5 years. This time round, the ‘O’ Party has agreed to give the Rocket Party a little “helping hand”.
However, it is predicted that a much-rumoured new party will most likely steal the spotlight and “blow speculators away”. Details are sketchy at best, but with the help of a hard-headed little bird, Ber-niama is able to bring you exclusive news coverage on this new political party known as…


The Sims: House Party
Speaking secretly from their secret base in a secret location somewhere in Sims Ave, spokesperson Bob Newbie confirmed that party leader Mortimer Goth yesterday unveiled a half-page campaign platform dubbed the Ninth Kennysia Plan (9KP).
20060509-8.jpg

Mortimer Goth discussing campaign strategies with Bob Newbie.

Due to language difficulties, Ber-niama is only able to understand Mr Newbie’s speech through the help of Simlish translators. Suffice to say, it is known that the 9KP will include the following action plans:

  • All front page news items on the Borneo Post will feature Mortimer Goth’s Advice of the Day column accompanied by a picture of him smiling broadly.
  • The following 5 pages on the Borneo Post will be reserved for advertisements for the Sims: House Party.
  • Assemblymen will be allowed to wear bowties and boxers in the State Assembly.

Mortimer Goth practising his campaign speech.

Bob Newbie has asked all candidates to watch out for his new party. “We will be coming up from behind” he warned.
The Erection Commission will be on hand to ensure there be no instances of dysfunction this year.

Mortimer Goth gets a feel on what it’s like to be elected Chief Minister.

In the past, the Libra Party has accused the Opposition for using “underhanded tactics”. Representatives for the Libra Party could not be reached as they were away in China doing “missionary work”.
When interviewed, a sharp-tongued candidate for the ‘O’ Party who wish to remain anonymous criticised the ruling party for taking Sarawakians “for a ride”. “Thanks to them, our state coffers were sucked dry,” she said. “A capable opposition will pump milk into the state and give it much-needed life.”

Meanwhile, the Rocket Party hopes to follow the PAP’s footsteps “hammering their way” to an hard-fought victory in a climaxing Singapore Erections this past Sunday.
PAP stands for Party Action People.

When approached by reporters, leader of Party Action People and resident DJ, Lee Hsiao Loong, still celebrating his win at their Party Headquarters in Zouk Singapore, has the following to say.
“We are fa-mi-ly! I got all my sisters with me! We are fa-mi-ly! Get up everybody and SING!”
Sarawak goes to poll on the 20th May.

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Kuching Traffic Police Is My Best Friend

Distinctively Kuching 320 Comments

See, what happened was this.

I was driving to work as usual on a Saturday morning. There I was on Ellis Road, turning into Jalan Lumba Kuda, and BAM! Big mistake.
Kuching traffic police was working hard that day, and when they saw me without my seatbelts on, boy they sure welcome me with open arms. “SHIT!” I thought to myself as I scrambled to fasten my seatbelt.
Too late. They saw me. Car stopped. Windows wound down. Awkward smile. You know, the whole yalah-I-know-I-did-something-wrong-lah-so-quit-torturing-me-and-get-it-over-with-dammit routine.

The traffic police who stopped me was a 30-something year old man who spoke in a strange hybrid of Malay, English and Hokkien. I’ll attempt to recreate them as accurate as possible here.
Police: Lu tau lu buat apa salah ke? [You realised what you did wrong?]
Kenny: Ya.
Police: IC and lesen! [Your identity card and driver’s license!]
I took out the IC from my wallet and handed it over to the police. SHIT! Forgot to bring the driver’s license together with me! Double whammy. Damn suay today.
Police: Mana lesen?! [Where’s your driver’s license?!]
Kenny: Lesen tidur di rumah lah boss. [It’s sleeping at home, sir.]
Police: *gleefully* AH! Dua sudah. [Ah! That’s two offences already.]
Kenny: *sigh*
Police: Tingki!
Kenny: Apa? [What?]
Police: Tingki lah!
Kenny: Apa tu ‘tingki’? [What’s a ‘tingki’?]
Police: Tingki lah! IC lah!
Kenny: Ohhhh! ‘Teng ki’ lah! (Bloody hell, don’t speak Hokkien if you can’t lah you idiot.)

I handed him my IC (aka ‘tingki’) for the second time and the policeman proceeded to jot down my details. I knew I was screwed. RM300 fine for not wearing a seatbelt, and another RM300 for not bringing my driver’s license together with me. RM600 gone just like that.
Police: Lu begitu mesti saman loh. [You, like that, will have to be fined.]
Kenny: ……
Or is it? I could attempt to bribe the policeman with some cash. I’m just not sure if he’s a corruptible cop or a good one. After all, when Badawi become PM one of his objectives was to cut down on corruption, even to the extent of making them wear one of those cute little ‘anti-corruption’ badges.

The words say “I’m anti-corruption”

That is, until it was deemed a fashion faux pas and the police stopped wearing them en masse.
Well, my cop wasn’t wearing an anti-corruption badge so that’s a good sign. But I had to be sure.
The way I look at it, asking a policeman if he accepts bribes is like asking a girl to become your fuck buddy. The result could go either way. You could either get a smashing good deal on your end, or wound up utterly embarrassing yourself in the process.

I didn’t want to make the first move, lest I be prosecuted for attempting to bribe the police. Then I know I’ll be in deep shit. So when he handed me my IC back and I took out my wallet once again, I deliberately flashed the greens and reds. The intention was clear, but nothing too obvious. πŸ˜‰
Then, the moment of truth happened.
Police: Lu mau kena saman ke? [Do you want to get fined?]
What da heck? You mean I HAVE A CHOICE whether or not I want to get fined?! Hell, of course I don’t wanna pay RM600 in fine.
Kenny: Tak tau! You mau saman saya ke? [I don’t know. Do you wanna fine me?]
Police: I tak minta! [I didn’t ask for it!]
Kenny: Oh, jadi tak apa loh. [Oh, too bad then.] *look away, pretend nothing happens*
Police: !!!
Kenny: πŸ™‚
Police: … lu mau ‘chia’ me kah? [You wanna give me a treat?]
HA! That’s my cue!
Kenny: ‘Chia’ lah. [I’ll treat you.]
Police: Lu ‘chia’ me berapa? [How much you wanna treat me?]
I pulled out three reds from my wallet (RM30) and showed it to him. I think the market rate was RM20, but the policeman was the one who made the first move so I reckon he deserves more.
He saw the RM30 and immediately his face lit up. Coincidentally his friends were all looking the other direction when I passed the notes to him. So smart!
And that is how I contributed to the Policeman Retirement Fund.
He’s happy. I’m happy. Everybody goes home happy. Ahhh… the joys of living in a third world country. πŸ™‚

Happy, quick and correct

Mesra, cepat dan betul. ‘Mesra’ when they see you. ‘Cepat’ pay them, don’t hold up the line ‘cos they have other customers to serve. And don’t argue with them ‘cos no matter how hard you try they’re always ‘betul’.
Do you want to get fined?

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Get a KLue

Life Documentary 52 Comments

Did anyone manage to catch me on Channel [V] this week?

Apparently I was on this new programme called ‘Poparazzi’. They called me into the studios to do the shoot when I was in KL before I flew out to Phuket.
It’s about my letter to Osim I did a while back on their weight loss ads. Well, it’s been 4 months now and I never even got a reply from Osim. Blardy hell, those wimps!

Channel [V] wanted to help me out by making a call to Osim direct and asking them to comment on my letter. I don’t think I’m the only one curious to see what their reply is gonna be.
Too bad I didn’t manage to catch the show because everytime it’s on air I’m either working, in the gym, or sleeping. Possibly all three at the same time.
Would someone out there be so kind as to record the show for me? I do have a tape recorder… but it’s been abused so much throughout its 9 years that right now just a very expensive and ugly decorative piece of shit sitting in my lounge room. I think the replay will be on 10:30am today (Saturday), then MAYBE 3am and 11am on Monday, so keep a look out yea?
In other news, you all should really grab this month’s copy of KLue magazine.

Why, you ask?
Not just because hot Kuching lass Stephanie Chai is on the cover, but because yours truly is debuting my first ever regular column for a magazine!

Wow. Never in my wildest dreams would I imagine that people would actually PAY me for two thirds of a page of my crap.
“Blog Roll” is a column showcasing the best, worst and ugliest blogs in Malaysia. There’s a lot of them here and of course, I’m more than happy to uncover the hidden gems of the Malaysian blogosphere. The lucky first is Jules from x-eyedvision.blogspot.com, an anonymous blogger who I think writes one helluva funny, intelligent but underrated blog.

There’s a lot to like about this guy, such as his episode living with two gay housemates in the UK, among others.
Anyway, there’s gonna be a lot more recommendations from me in the future, so buy the mag and stay tuned yea? Personally I’d prefer them to have screenshots of the featured site instead of just my mug shot. A bit vain right? That’s something I need to sort out with them. πŸ™‚

I tell you, Steph Chai and Kenny Sia on KLue – that’s a double whammy for Kuching! Hell, there’s so much Kuching in this month’s issue they should rename the magazine KCHue.
Then no one will buy.

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It’s Been A Year Since You’re Gone

Favourite Entries Re-discovering Myself 333 Comments

Dear Papa,

It’s been a year since you left us. How are you holding up? Hope you’re enjoying your holidays. I wonder what you are doing right now. Most probably relaxing on your rocking chair, smoking your favourite cigarette, sipping on black coffee. Just like before.
You always liked my coffee. Been a while since I made coffee for you isn’t it? How’s the coffee like over there? Are they any better than Starbucks?
Things sure felt a little different since you left. For one, we had a really quiet Chinese New Year this year. Mom, Bro and Sis were all overseas at the time. I was the only one who stayed back home.
It certainly felt strange visiting friends and families on my own for the first time. I missed the times when we would wake up really early, eat ‘long-life noodles’ and do our visiting as a family. There’s even one year when we all donned traditional Chinese costumes for CNY, remember? We all look really cute and funny. That was one of the fondest memories I had of Chinese New Year when you’re around.
On CNY eve, I had my Reunion Dinner with the cousins instead. Before the dinner, I still called out “Pa, chi. Mi, chi” out of habit. How silly of me! I forgot this year you’re not on the table with us.
Hey, our house is gonna going through renovations soon. I saw the drawings and it looks great. Mom has been real stressed out because she doesn’t have you around to discuss things. It upsets me sometimes to see her in the state she’s in. You know how much Mom misses you. It’s been a year and Mom still thinks of you every single day. Well, Mother’s Day is coming and I plan to do something special for her.

Sister is moving to New Zealand later this month. Her two beautiful kids are growing up quick. Jayden is really smart and inquisitive, always pestering his mother to teach him new words. Her 17-month-old Kirsten is still learning how to walk. That clumsy little girl is always falling down all over the place, then she’ll start crying non-stop. Haha. Sis really has her hands full taking care of those two little monkeys. Poor sis.
As for me, work is going ok. There’s a lot of travelling. It’s a little stressful at first but I find myself getting into the thick of things already. I just need to manage my time better to take care of many things at once. Don’t worry, I’ll try my best.
Business is doing well. In fact, it’s growing strong and better than ever. But you know how it’s like. When you’re on top there’s always people out there wanting to bring you down. Last week my friend told me he heard people spreading false rumours about you having sold off your business. Haha. What a foolish joke. I can imagine you bent over laughing with us if you’re still around. Please forgive them though. It’s the small town mentality. They don’t know better.
To be honest, we didn’t quite feel like you’re gone sometimes. Your office is still the same as when you left it. The lights are still switched on, your desk still wiped and cleaned everyday. At times, it feel like you’re only gone for a few days travelling and that one day you might come back.

You know, I bump into your friends pretty often these days. They would always speak fondly of you, sharing with me precious memories of you they have. The few of us would chat and laugh happily as we recall the Chinese idioms and analogies you’ve taught us. I would chuckle and tell them that the first Malay sentence you taught me was “tiap tiap pagi, saya mengosok gigi.”
It never fails to amaze me how much detail your friends and colleagues can remember about you, right down to which laksa stall was your favourite and where you used to sit in the coffee shops. That’s how deeply you’ve touched their lives. Words you’ve said to them so long ago still stay fresh in their mind, as if they’ve only just talked to you last week.
Ahhh… memories. I remember when I was about 4 or 5, I fell asleep in the car once and you carried me to my bedroom and tucked me in to sleep. I liked that so much I would always pretend to fall asleep in the car, even on a bright sunny afternoon. It continued on for quite a while. Guess at some point I became too heavy, and you’d have to resort to tapping me on my shoulders to wake me up instead.
Anyway, I better stop here now else I might go on forever.
It’s been a year since you’re gone. Papa, you used to always call me when you’re away travelling, asking me if I missed you. I miss you now pa, why didn’t you call me? I want to tell you that I miss you a lot, and that you’re the best father a boy could ever dream of.
We have fate. And I’m so happy that at one point in our lives, our paths met as father and son.
Until we meet again, pa. πŸ™‚ Take care.

Love,
Your youngest son Kenny

Ford Escape XLT Review

Reviews 138 Comments

Was feeling the itch to check out the new Ford Focus after someone sent me this link that made me giggle all night like Scooby Doo.

Type in ‘fart’ and see what it does. Don’t you just love silly marketing gimmicks. πŸ˜‰
Ford isn’t exactly the most popular car manufacturer in Malaysia, unlike in Australia where fans of Ford and Holden love their cars so much it’s religion. Down under, the rivalry between the two competing car brands often spill over from the V8 Supercar race tracks into the office water cooler.

In Bolehland, Ford is only popular for its pick-up trucks and SUVs.
Personally I’ve only driven sedans all my life. I wanted to drive a sports car – my ultimate dream car being the Boxster Porsche 911. But it’s impractical on our pothole-filled roads and the cost of insurance is a bitch. Besides our beloved little vandals would love scratch those sports cars because they’ve never seen a Porsche on the road before.

My car the Hyundai Elantra. Covered in bird poo.

I never really thought of driving an truck or an SUV. That is, until I met up with Cheesie when I was in KL and she came to pick me up in her mini SUV.
It hit me hard. (The thought, not the car lah – otherwise I won’t be here blogging.) What have I been missing out? Even a girly girl is driving an SUV while a burly man like me is still cruising around in my sissy Hyundai. Where did I hang my balls, man?

Real men like me should be driving a bigger vehicle like a truck or an SUV. And it’s not just the “tough guy” image it brings. There are legitimate excuses reasons why it’s better to drive a bigger vehicle on the road.
1. Bigger, more spacious, more practical = more ‘fierce’.
2. Don’t have to worry about scratching the bottom of the vehicle when going over a bump. Higher clearance and better suspension means they’re nothing but pimples on the road.
3. Some joker dare to scratch your car, don’t worry – just drive over their sorry asses.
4. If you can’t find parking next time, you can always park on the pedestrian paths.

Like this.

So anyway, it’s the long weekend and I went to visit my local Ford dealer in Jalan Pending to do a bit of car shopping.
You know the world is too small when the salesman at the Ford dealership turned out to be your next-door neighbour. He showed me the Ford Focus which I was initially looking for.
This one is not bad lah. It’s designed in Europe and engineered by Volvo in Germany. And you lucky guys in KL can witness the new Focus ST, Equator and Four-Trac concept cars later this month at the KL International Motorshow in PWTC.
I can’t be there. So remember to take photos of the sexy car girls on my behalf. Thank you.

Then he showed me the Ford Ranger.
Ford’s tagline for this pickup truck is ‘Built Tough’. With its bold chrome bullbar, imposing chassis and sporty finish, this baby certainly looks tough and feels tough. It’s not that expensive now either. The Ranger Hurricane costs around RM90,000 on the road. That’s about the same price as the Hyundai Elantra I’m driving.
But it was the Ford Escape I was interested in and I requested the salesman to get me behind the steering wheel for a test drive.

It’s a great car! I never truly understand the joy of driving an SUV until I drove the Escape that day. The handling of the vehicle was fantastic, and the ride was smooth and comfortable. There’s something cool about driving a higher car that overlooks the lousy peasant sedans at the traffic lights. πŸ˜›

There are perks like ABS, leather seats, electric sunroof to top it off. The position of the gear stick was a little awkward at first but I got used to it after a while.
10 minutes on the joy ride and I’m convinced. The Ford Escape is a beauty of an SUV that goes along with the image of young executives like myself. I truly like it.

Ford is running a “Kawan Anda, Wang Anda” (translation: “Your Friend, Your Money”) promotion right now. The idea is to get your friends to purchase any Ford Escape or Ford Ranger Hurricane/XLT variant, and they’ll pay you RM2,000 reward as commission.
Yes, according to Ford, that’s what friends are for.

I plan to get a random friend to “introduce” me as a tokenistic gesture so I can pocket the commission for myself. The vehicle is gonna cost me RM137,000 after the RM2,000 discount which is not bad for a vehicle its class. All I need to do is to take out a car loan and pay it out over 20 years or something.
Anyway, if there are any Ford Escape owners reading this, I’d appreciate your insightful comments before I sell my soul to the money-grubbing devils at the bank. Thanks!

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Things I Don’t Understand (And Probably Never Will)

Thoughts & Musings 106 Comments

Some stupid things that annoy me.
Women and Bathroom Scales

What is it with women and bathroom scales?
I swear to you women are drawn to weighing scales like fat kids to hamburgers. If you ever had a female guest to your house and your scale happen to be somewhere within her vicinity, unless she’s some prim and proper royalty, 9 times out of 10 she’ll be checking her weight on those scales.
Even if you put two weighing scales side-by-side, she’d still weigh herself on BOTH machines.
I once confronted a friend of mine who used my bathroom scales everytime she comes to my place because I’m pretty sure she had one herself.
Kenny: “Hey I thought you have a your own weighing scale at home?”
Her: “Yea, but I wanted to check if my scale at home are correct mah.”
Kenny: “!”

Calculators

Why do people hit the “C” button multiple times when they use a calculator?
I’ve never seen anyone pressing “C” JUST ONCE and then use the calculator. They always have to tap the “C” button repeatedly like they got a friggin’ vengeance with the goddamn “C” button and clear all the memory from the calcultor since the Jurassic Ages.
For God’s sakes, it’s a CALCULATOR, not Nintendo dammit. What do they think they’re doing? Playing Street Fighter? Do they think by tapping the “C” button fast enough they’re gonna make Chun Li’s leg turn into lightning?

Training Bras

Why is it called “training bras”?
Seriously, what sort of elusive special skills does a pair of boobs need to have in order to wear a proper bra?
And speaking of which, how exactly do you train your boobs to wear a bra? Hire a coach? Send them for tuition? Give them a pep talk like in the movie Braveheart?
“They can take away our bras, but they can never take away… OUR BOOBIES!!!”

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