This entry is not-safe-for-work, so make sure your boss, workmates, husband, wife, sister, brother, children and doggie are not around you before you continue reading.
I hate the Malaysian blogging community sometimes. Seriously I hate it.
I look at Singapore’s blogging community and I see the constant cracking of jokes, parodies, laughter, and harmless sarcarsms. I look at the blogging community I’m in and I see everyone writing so seriously. We take things too personally. Flaming in comment boxes loh, blog wars loh, scandals loh. Geez, where’s your sense of humour guys? Lighten up a bit, respect one another, lay back and relax.
A scandal rocked the Malaysian blogging community over the weekend. A scandal so big it made people think twice about the honesty of the blogs they read. A scandal so dirty it made Bill Clinton look like Mother Theresa. A scandal I’d like to call…
THE HUSTLERGATE SCANDAL!!!
*cue CSI theme music*
What is the Hustlergate Scandal? Well if you haven’t yet heard it, come here, sit down on uncle Kenny’s lap, and let me tell you a story.
*Flashback to a long, long time ago…*
The Hustler Diariesis arguably Malaysia’s most popular erotic blog. The blog is (supposedly) authored by a middle-aged anonymous man and features stories not of himself, but about other people’s sex lives. Its entries are very saucy and in many ways comparable to Sarong Party Girl’s blog for all you Singaporeans out there. The Hustler Diaries was the runner-up of the (somewhat unreliable) 2004 Asia Blog Awards in the Malaysian Category – an award that the author proudly displays on his site.
Let me make one thing clear. I’m not a frequent reader of that blog, The Hustler Diaries. The blog is not in my bookmarks, its not in my links.
Its not because the blog is bad, because clearly it is not. I don’t read it regularly because well… I hardly get any “action” over here, so I tend to get very very depressed when I read about other people’s colourful sex lives. *sniff*
But I digressed.
A while ago The Hustler posted up a series of e-mails he purportedly received from his “fans” all over the world, thanking his blog for the improvement in their sex lives. These series of emails also include photos of near-naked female bodies as a “thank you gift” to the author.
I’ve read the entries that published those e-mails. The Hustler has the habit of keeping the identities of people who e-mailed him anonymous so no one but The Hustler himself knows if the they are real.
Personally I doubt the veracity of those e-mails because I don’t think anyone would willingly send explicit photos of themselves (or their girlfriends), whilst giving full permission for the blogger to put them up.
But I might be wrong, so please send all your sexy photos to sexypics4you@kennysia.com
The first e-mail was from a guy called Henry who forwarded explicit pictures of his girlfriend Susan from the United States. Susan sent those pictures to Henry so that whenever they are apart, Henry can have a sexy picture of Susan to wank to.
A few days later, The Hustler posted up another entry about an email he received from a Faye of Singapore. Faye also sent in a provocative picture of herself for The Hustler and encouraged him to post it up for his readers’ enjoyment.
What happened next became chaotic. A sharp-eyed reader pointed out the background of the Susan-of-USA picture matches the background of Faye-of-Singapore picture. Shit, how come no one else noticed that? Obviously everyone was busy staring at her boobs!
Titles like “Hustler Fake Diaries” and “Hustler Busted” dominated the Malaysian blogging community. Words spread like wildfire and eventually the award-winning blogger was forced to delete those guilty entries and went into hiding. A fierce debate ensued. On one side, people openly criticised The Hustler for deliberately deceiving his readers for the sake of traffic. Others (myself included) stood by The Hustler’s side, stating that he should have the creative freedom to write whatever he wants and that people must be too naive to believe what he wrote was 100% true.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If you ask me I think the whole thing is blown out of proportion in a typical Malaysian manner (like those banned LRT ads).
I can see what The Hustler’s detractors are saying – the fact that he made up artificial stories for traffic. That I agree. Blog readers are smart cookies who do not like to be deceived. Its as if The Hustler was playing on his readers’ gullability.
Obviously, if kennysia.com readers find out that my name wasn’t really Kenny, or if the guy in the photos wasn’t me, or if the size of my balls wasn’t bigger than those coconuts (NOT TRUE) I think they would be outraged. And rightfully so.
But one thing that needs to be pointed out is that The Hustler Diaries is not a run-of-the-mill personal blog per se. The Hustler rarely writes about himself, if ever. All his stories are “things I’ve heard from a friend of a friend, or from a workmate at the pub”. Entertaining? Yes. Unbelievable? Yes. Credible? Hmm… dunno. Does it matter? Fucking-lutely not.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And then there is the fallout. In the aftermath of The Hustlergate Scandal a serious question is raised, “Are what we read on blogs TRUE?”
I’m sorry to break the news to you, but sadly the answer is no.
You see…
My name is not Kenny.
I am not from Kuching.
I am actually female.
Sorry everyone. I just pretended to be some guy called Kenny so I can write an entertaining blog to keep all of you happy. Its time for me to come clean.
Many Malaysian bloggers have wondered why I managed to draw so much readers from Singapore. Well guys, that’s because I’m not actually Kenny from Kuching.
I am Faye from Singapore.
See that picture from The Hustler Diaries?
Now don’t tell me you can’t tell the difference.
See? Perfect match. I hope that clears up some confusion.
I’m really really sorry I deceived you all. It was not my intention. I just wanted to write a funny blog that draws traffic. Somehow Faye doesn’t cut it, so I wrote as Kenny from Kuching.
As for Susan… well, that was just a fake name that I adopted to fool my bastard boyfriend Henry. He was a sex maniac and I couldn’t take it anymore. I pretended to have travelled to the USA to avoid him. But I sent him explicit photos of myself just so he could leave me alone. Its true. Susan and I are one person – the person responsible for this FAKE site called kennysia.com
Don’t believe me?
Well, judge for yourself.
I’m sorry I lied to you all. Nothing on this site is real. Never has been. Its all done by the same person called Faye (aka Susan) from Singapore. There is no Kenny. I’m sorry.
Well, now that I’m busted its not fun anymore. 🙁
Sorry I spoilt your dinner, but I memang jiak pah boh su zho. Yes this is a continuation of my April Fool’s spoof. Yes its lame. Yes I know I’ve deliberately embarrassed myself. No please don’t ask me to do it again. 😉
UPDATE: As of 3:20pm on the 19th April 2005, the Hustler Diaries was officially discontinued. To The Hustler, thank you for providing much needed entertainment and raising some “flagpoles” in your male readers over the months that you blogged. I can understand why you decided to stop. Although I wished you could have left under better circumstances, I still wish you all the best in your future undertakings.
The Worst Newspaper Ad Ever
Whoever designed this advertisement for the Sarawak Tribune Classifieds needs to be shot, grilled, tied to the ground and forced to undergo cosmetic surgery to look exactly like that horrendously deformed human being he drew.
I hope he’s not trying to imply Sarawak Tribune readers look so pathetic. Shit, how bad is that drawing? See this wouldn’t have happened if he were to choose someone like me as the model.
Man that’s the ugliest advertisement I’ve ever seen.
I wonder who he used as a model.
I think we got a winner.
Lessons in Advertising #1337:
“Never EVER use a monkey as a model for your drawings.”
Astro Talent Quest 2005 – Kuching Stage Challenge
The Astro Talent Quest is regarded by many as the Chinese equivalent of the Idols franchise in Malaysia. The format is slightly different from American Idol or Malaysian Idol but the purpose is the same: ie, its a singing competition, home viewers watch the show, they SMS-vote for their favourite contestant, the winner gets a recording contract and the home viewers end up with a massive phone bill.
The Astro team was in town last Friday for the Kuching-leg of the tapings so I decided to pop by to have a look at what the fuss is all about.
The competition was held in Wisma Saberkas, which looks like a bucket if viewed from the skies. The ironic thing is that the Chinese name for this building is “Chïng Tong Dà Shà”, which literally sounds like “Green Bucket Building”. I don’t know why the building is not green. We Kuching people are very confusing.
The security guard who doesn’t wanna do his job.
The show started at 5pm, but I couldn’t leave work until 5:30pm. By the time I arrived a small crowd has formed across all five stories of the shopping center. I missed half the show. Apparently there were ten contestants in this round, only two of which will advance to the next.
Meet the judges of the show, which is a complete rip-off from the three American Idol judges right down to their seating arragements. Let’s see: fat guy for Randy, female judge for Paula, slim-built wearing a dark-coloured sweater with rolled-up sleeves for Simon Cowell…. check, check and check! I’m surprised they didn’t bring in a black Indian dude for Randy. Then again, this is a Chinese singing competition, aight dawg?
Luckily the hosts aren’t rip-offs of Ryan Seacrest. They were Astro presenter Royce Tan and MyFM Radio DJ Gan MeiYan.
You know, I used to think that all radio DJs are fat and ugly.
But after meeting Gan MeiYan, I realised some radio DJs can be skinny and ugly too.
Just kidding :). She’s skinny, but still quite chio lah. Gotta love the top.
Eh brother. Why wear so thick? Kuching having winter ha?
I don’t remember much about the singing itself, but it was nothing to shout about. I mean they are good, but I won’t be rushing out to download pirated MP3s… buy their CDs if they ever release one.
There were some fashion faux pas at the scene though.
Hey dude. Nice pants. Where did you get them from? MC HAMMER’S GARBAGE CAN!?!
This guy had it all. Outrageous dance moves, fugly clothing, bad interviews and make up on his face. Yes, MAKE UP ON HIS FACE! What the feet was he thinking putting blusher and lipstick on his face?! I’m sorry but they’re not accepting any more members for the Si Qian Jin coconut tree singing troupe.
There were some good ones though. I say watch out for Contestant 10, he’s got the total package and he sang really well. I hope he got through.
Halfway through the show, there was a mini game requiring two volunteers from the crowd. I raised my hand and hopped onto stage. I doubt they are going to show this on TV, but I was crap at the game and lost terribly. I did crack a few jokes whilst I was on stage and had the whole crowd laughing with me so I guess all’s good.
I lost but I still got a prize. A pretty one too! An Astro notebook, Sammi Cheng’s Live VCD and her very old CD that nobody wants
Oh, if anyone had photos of me that day please let me know. I don’t have Astro installed at home, but being a publicity-whore I’m keen to find out if I appear on TV. So please check out Wah-Loh-Tai on 1st May ok?
Well I had fun that day. I’m not keeping my hopes up but I hope someone from Kuching wins the competition.
Three years ago an ex-schoolmate of mine went from being a virtual unknown to Malaysia’s big Chinese singing sensation thanks to this competition. I’ve always known him as prankster from school who never really excelled in his studies, and now he’s earning thousands from his recording contact and various endorsement deals. His name is Nicholas Teo aka Zhang Dong Liang.
I hope they become like him some day.
P/S. Eh I didn’t photoshop the above picture of Nicholas Teo ha! It was a promotional poster that was already vandalised when I took a photo of it! Heh, I got nothing against him because I used to know him personally. But kennysia.com is not responsible for any anti-Nicholas Teo comments below.
So feel free to blast away. 😀
A Blog From Jail
Kenny made front page headlines
Gee, how bad would that headline look?
So many illicit drug dealers and anabolic steroid traffickers out there and yet they jailed me – an innocent person trying to lose weight, work out, take my vitamins and improve my health.
I sincerely appreciate all the comments from both sides of the camp – those who support my stance and those who think I was being stupid for making a big deal out of this. What you all wrote in my comment box definitely crossed my mind at some stage. Oh, and a special thank you also to all kennysia.com commenters with a sense of humour. 🙂
“*ROFL* i will write you letters when u stay behind bars…maybe once in a while bring magazine or chewing gum for you lol”
– kahsoon
“I’m tuning in tomorrow to see what happens! And if i never see another update ill know they smacked you over the head at the post office and dragged you away to prison. :)”
– Adrian
“all i can do is hope that you’ll have your internet access to blog bout your life in jail for coming 3 years ..*praying*”
– sandkan
Gee, thanks for having so much confidence in me guys.
And here’s my personal favourite.
“You see, this is no free contry hosay. You gotta do it like the Cubans. Send someone there, take out the supplements and put them in a Vitamin C bottle. This will surely pass the customs. Or else do it old school. Condoms and stuff it up the transporters ass. Even the dogs can’t sniff them shat.”
– Body builder officionada, Arnold Susahnakeja.HAHA! Susahnakeja = Susah Nak Kerja. In Malay that means ‘Too difficult to wanna work’. Hmmm its not funny anymore once you try to explain it.
On my way to the Post Office. What’s with the Singaporean and Sarawakian flags anyway?
There were those who advised me to err on the safe side. Uzyn , xar and ‘civil servant’ all kindly warned me that I run the risk of creating more trouble for myself. Malaysian government bodies has been known to be inflexible, stubborn and unnegotiable. My chances are too low. I have to give up my money. They are the law and I cannot win. I am David, they are Goliath.
They were right in many ways. In hindsight, it was probably a bad move for me to argue with a government official over something trivial that’s worth only RM500. This drama could easily balloon up to thousands of dollars in legal costs or worse, me getting locked up.
Outside the Post Office. Kenny gets ready. *cue theme music from Kill Bill*
I admit I was wrong losing my temper. I over-reacted, definitely. I was upset at the prospect of losing my money.
However one thing clear from my phone conversation yesterday was that they were unprepared for my rebuttal. They’re probably used to people backing out and have their items confiscated all because these minions have memorised the name of the Act, the fine and the jail term etc to scare these innocent civilians.
The sad fact is that most people simply surrender and raise their white flags when government officials get in their face.
“Too much trouble lah! Can’t win them lah! Better to lose RM500 than to lose RM25,000. I dun wanna go to court. Aiya what to do? Boh pien lah! Blame on myself being suay loh!”
Inside the Mail Center
But heh, I was such a hard-ass. I blame my roots with University student unions for my refusal to budge. I just thought I was bullied into a no-win situation. The bullies being the Customs and the Ministry of Stealth… I mean, Health. Why can’t I send my items back despite the assurance me and my seller have given them? It is just something I couldn’t swallow.
From my perspective, they gained absolutely nothing from destroying my items, and I stand to lose a lot of money for absolteuly no reason at all. Maybe its too much work for them to allow me to send the items back. Maybe their attitude really is susahnakeja!
“Too much work to let this guy get his refund lah! Need to sit through watching him pack and wrap everything up some more. Fuiyoh. Think I so free ah? I’d rather go home and watch Astro you know? Haiyah just pop it into the incinerator enough liaw lah. Make some BBQ-vitamins. Teeheehehe.”
In the Ministry of Health’s inspection office whilst waiting for them to arrive
I think eventually they realised that it is only gonna reflect badly on them if they were to drag me to court over some vitamins. Two big government bodies versus someone who just wanted to take his supplements and get healthy. Besides I’ve created a win-win situation for them: They’re not breaking any rules by not giving me the items, and by allowing me to return my items I get to have my refund. So who’s losing?
That’s my four bottles of sports supplements and my letter to Bodybuilding.com. Yes, I’m getting my refund!
Which is why I’m glad they came to their senses. 🙂
My loss = RM15.30 worth of postage. Hmm… better than RM500 I reckon.
PHEW! Luckily I’m still here blogging instead of spending the night behind bars whilst risking my asshole being manually expanded. Heh! Sorry I deliberately update late to create suspense. 😉
This afternoon I went over to the Post Office and met with the official/minion from the Ministry of Health. No further questions were asked – I was given my supplements right away. With both the Customs and the Ministry of Health watching, I packed those four bottles of supplements into a box, paid RM15.30 for postage and mailed them off right then and there.
Me going to court? Nahhhh…. You going back to the States? FUCK YEAH!
And that’s the end of the story of a 22-year-old who questioned the decisions of the authorities, but yet managed to negotiate a situation that benefits everyone.
Let this be a lesson to be learnt: just because their ass is bigger, doesn’t mean you’re fucked. You won’t be fucked if you don’t just lie there and allow them to fuck you. Ok sorry for the crass language. But hey, if you believe you’re right and they’re wrong – question them, argue with them, negotiate with them and work out a win-win solution. That’s the only way things can change.
So as I walked back to my car, I adjusted my underwear slightly to account for the slight expansion of my testicles. 😉
I win. 🙂
Kenny – 1 Malaysian Customs – 0
Kenny Vs Malaysian Customs Dept / Ministry of Health
I am so bitterly utterly incensed angry furious POOH-SENG RIGHT NOW!!!!!
GAAARRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! *bites a chunk off the keyboard*
WHY IS THE MALAYSIAN CUSTOMS DEPARTMENT SO STUPID!?!?!?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR STUPID SCREWED UP BRAINS!!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!??!
HUH! I bet you’re so stupid you can’t even spell the word ‘stupid’!
*mocks* “How to spell stupid har? S-T-E-W-P-I-G… is that correct or not har? heheheheee”
JIAK SAI LAH!!!!
I was actually in a good mood today. I wanted to write about happy happy things like the birds lah, butterflies lah, my balls lah. Mana tau one stupid phone call changed my mood for the rest of the day!
GAHHH!!!! @^@$%$RT$T$#^$%%$$R#@$!@$!!!!!
I am very angry. Ok lah, trying to be angry.
ok ok ok ok… calm down, Kenny calm down…
My baby nephew just walked into my room. It is very difficult for me to keep a straight face and smile when I have smoke coming out of my nose and ears.
*deep breaths*
….
…
..
.
*smiles*
I’m a nice guy. 🙂
No really I am.
Damn those idiots. Now I have to get myself a new keyboard.
Right. Let’s start from the beginning.
(Long rant ahead, so fix yourself a cup of Milo first)
See, I’ve always been a very health-conscious guy. When I was in Perth I worked out at the gym regularly, cooked my own dinner and watched what I eat. At my peak I weighed 72kg. But ever since I returned to Kuching I’ve stopped exercising, started eating cheap MSG-laden kopitiam food and before I knew it I became this.
Oh my. The bathroom scales was eclipsed by my guts.
So I decided to get back in shape but two things were stopping me:
1. I sold all my vitamins and health supplements before I moved back to Kuching.
2. The closest thing to Fitness First I could find in Kuching was this piece of crap.
This is the best crappy gym in Kuching.
Eventually I settled on the Gym Masyarakat and ordered my batch of supplements online from the United States. I’ve always shopped online at Bodybuilding.com and I never had a problem with them because after all, the supplements I bought were all legal, harmless, health-promoting and can easily be bought over the counter at GNC. Its just that GNC never had the brands I wanted and their prices are almost always double that of Bodybuilding.com.
So two weeks ago I got a letter from the Post Office asking me to pick up a parcel.
In Kuching, you have to go over to the post office personally to pick up your parcel.
I headed over to the post office, picked up my parcel, opened it, and immediately realised something was wrong. I got my protein powders, but my 3 bottles of ZMA vitamins and a bottle of Nitric Oxide were missing. In place of them was this letter from the Malaysian Ministry of Health.
Bloody. What’s all these enlightening gibberish language?
For the benefit of those who doesn’t read Bahasa Melayu, allow me exercise my powderful translation of the above letter for you.
Dear Kenny,
We have seized the above items because they contravened the Testicle Size Regulation Act 1984. You have committed an offence which could see you fined up to RM25,000 and/or have both your balls cut off and shrunk to the size of raisins courtesy of our resident headhunters.
2. It is our duty to prevent people like you from getting too healthy. You see, our KLCC twin towers lost the title of Tallest Building in the World to that cibai Taiwan. Which is why it is our goal to beat the USA and become The Fattest Nation in the World. MALAYSIA BOLEH!
3. Meanwhile how much do you think I can sell your things on eBay har? I mean you won’t be needing it anymore right?
SERVING THE NATION,
Forking Ediot
cc. Malaysian Customs Dept,
Malaysian Post Office
(If you believe the above translation was correct, do yourself a favour and jump off a tree)
Those bastards double-teamed on me
I was obviously unhappy my parcel was opened and things taken out of it. All the supplements I bought were factory sealed with its ingredients clearly labelled on the side. If they ever doubt its veracity they could always pass it through an X-ray machine. At least that’s what I know the Australian customs would do.
Malaysian law requires all pills and tablets to be registered with the Ministry of Health before they can be brought in (powders are ok). I admit I ordered these because of my ignorance of the law, which is why I decided to “let them win”. Obviously I wanted these to be shipped back to Bodybuilding.com so I can get a refund.
So I wrote back to them (this one is serious and unaltered).
Pejabat Pengarah,
Jabatan Kesihatan Negeri Sarawak
Jalan Tun Abang Haji Openg
93590 Kuching, Sarawak.
To Whom It May Concern
Re: JKNSWK-F-UPF/5JLD xx(xxx)
I received a notice from you regarding the seizure of following items that was posted to me by BodyBuilding.Com Inc from the United States of America.
1) Now ZMA (3 bottles)
2) BSN Nitrix (1 bottle)
I was advised that these items were seized because they were not registered with Pihak Berkuasa Kawalan Dadah. Allow me to inform you that the above items are harmless. Attached are the ingredients of the above two items.
However, I accept your decision to remove it from my possession.
Instead, I ask that you allow the above items to be shipped back to Bodybuilding.com Inc in the United States. I will write a letter to advise them to give me my refund, and they will acknowledge this. I will bear all costs involved in shipping the above items back, and I will also pay you any service charge required to make this happen.
Unfortunately, if you choose to destroy the above items, then there will be no benefits for the both of us.
I hope that you diligently exercise your intelligence and authority in making a decision that is mutually beneficial.
Warm Regards,
Kenny
Attached:
1. Ingredient lists of the above items
2. Bodybuilding.com’s Return Policy
3. Sample letter to Bodybuilding.com asking for a refund.
I faxed the letters last week after returning from Sibu.
This morning, I received their phone call.
*ring ring*
Kenny: “Hello, Kenny speaking.”
Government Minion: “Hello this is (insert minion’s real name) from the Ministry of Health. With regards to the fax that you sent, I’m calling to inform you that we cannot send your items back to the USA.”
“Alright. Is there any reason given as to why I can’t ship the items back to the US?”
“Because we’re afraid that if you sent the items back to the seller, they are going to send it back to you.”
“No, no. I’ve attached the company’s policy regarding this matter. I’ve highlighted the relevant section for you. The company will give me a refund if I mail the items back to them. Have you got that document?”
“I got that. But it says ‘Once the package is received back by us, we will contact you by e-mail and refund you for the products, minus the shipping fees. You can also use this credit towards different products or have the package shipped again.’ They might send it back to you see.”
“I know, that’s why I’ve also faxed you a sample letter I’ll be sending to the seller asking them to give me a refund instead of having the items shipped again. I’ll be asking them to not send the items to me again.”
“I’m sorry we can’t let you send the items back. You’ve committed an offence importing an unregistered [pharmaceutical] product and you are liable for fines of up to RM25,000 or jailed up to 3 years.”
*What the foot? Wanna use the law to scare me is it?! My tempers were flaring. My voice grew louder.*
Kenny: “No, I wrote the letter to you saying that I don’t want the items anymore. I’m asking you to have it shipped back. All I want is my money back!”
Minion: “They will send it back to you!”
“I’ve already said that they won’t. What documents do you need from ME or from the SELLER, in order to convince you that they won’t send the items back to me? You tell me, I’ll prepare them!”
“But we can’t let you ship it back.”
“Why not? You still haven’t given me A VALID REASON why you can’t let me ship the items back to the United States. The seller said they will give me a refund. I wrote a letter telling the seller to give me a refund. So who’s telling you that they won’t give me a refund?!”
*Silence*
Kenny: “Alright. So you don’t allow me to have the product, and you don’t allow me to ship the product back. So what are you trying to achieve right now?”
Minion: (in a defeated tone) “We’re calling to inform you that your appeal is unsuccessful and if you want you can bring this case up to court.”
*I was getting really irritated that she’s not listening to me and insisted on using her minimal knowledge of the law to attack me. I couldn’t take it anymore. I simply lost it.*
Kenny: “Bring to court? For what?! To charge you with STEALING my products?!”
Minion: “We’re not stealing your products!”
“You intercepted the items from my package halfway and you wouldn’t give them to me NOR send them back to my seller! ISN’T THAT STEALING!?”
“I’m just doing my job here as a government servant.”
*Kenny realised he was being harsh and cooled down considerably.*
Kenny: “Look, I’m a lawful tax-paying Malaysian citizen. I’m not committing any crime here. I’m trying to work with the government. I’m trying to work with YOU. All I’m asking for, is that you help me have the items shipped back. I want to get my refund. So I can be happy, they can be happy, and YOU can be happy.”
“You’re importing an illegal…”
“It DOESN’T MATTER if its LEGAL or ILLEGAL anymore. I want to have the items shipped back. I WANT MY MONEY BACK.”
*Long silence*
Minion: (very quickly) “Ok, you go to the post office tomorrow after 2:30pm.”
Kenny: “Post office at…”
*Before I can finish my sentence, the minion hangs up hastily*
And that was the 8-minute phone call that kept me fuming till right now.
I don’t know what’s gonna happen. But I’m going to the Post Office tomorrow at 2:30pm and see what she has in store for me. I’ll write about it tomorrow evening.
Or… if I was sent to jail, then I’ll write about it 3 years later. 🙂
Silly News About Prince Charles And Camilla’s Wedding
In case you happen to be living under a rock, Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles finally married last Friday, thus effectively ending Prince Charles’ run as the world’s most eligible bachelor.
I’m not gonna diss Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles’ matrimony. What needs to be said have already been said by others. At the end of the day, I have absolutely nothing against a royal 57-year-old donkey-face marrying a 58-year-old husband-snatcher on the day of Pope John Paul II’s funeral. Its not like what they do has any effect of me anyway.
What I am gonna diss however is the newspaper reports that cover this wedding, sensationalising it to the point of absurdity. Everyone knows that I’m not a big fan of local Malaysian newspapers. The day newspapers here STOP publishing photos of politicians shaking hands at some bloody pretentious VIP event is the day I’ll celebrate by shaving the hair off my legs and cook soup with it.
But this one is just beyond ridiculous. Have a look at this headline from news.com.au.
The original story was from News of the World. In case that link doesn’t work, I’ve mirrored the page here.
An excerpt reads: “We hired professional lip-reading experts who spent two hours decoding exactly what was said as the bride and groom walked down the stone stairs to face photographers.”
PROFESSIONAL LIP-READING EXPERTS? I can so imagine a couple of nerds with thick glasses practically glueing their face to the TV monitor for two full hours trying to decode what they’re saying.
The entire article focuses on how cold the Queen was towards Camilla based on the following series of captioned photos. I’ve editted the captions into the pictures for better readability.
Gee, I wonder how much they’re paying these so-called “professional lip-reading” experts to write a couple of crappy lines that MAY or MAY NOT be what the royal family said. I mean, who’s watching right? For all I know they could be playing Solitaire for two hours before they come up with some smart-arse guesses as to what the royal family was possibly saying.
To steal a quote from William Hung, I have no professional training in lip-reading. But what I can do is spend 2 minutes instead of 2 hours “decoding” what they’re trying to say.
See?! The Queen LOVES Camilla Parker-Bowles!
So much for professional lip-readers. How the heck can they simply decide what people are saying just by looking at a video? How do they even know they’re speaking English? For all I know, they could be conversing in Hokkien.
Did you look at the way Prince Charles and his mother looked at each other? I swear that’s not the way a mother and son would look at each other! I don’t know about you but I think there might be something more to their so-called mother-and-son relationship.
Stupid professional lip reading experts – think they know everything, but I know better.
If There’s A Will, There’s A Way… Right?
Alright, I’m gonna do another serious entry whilst I’m still feeling low and sombre. I shall save the rant for tomorrow.
I know by looking at the stats and comments what kinda entries kennysia.com is popular for. I admit its a very ball-enlarging thing to learn that this site went from 178 visitors same time last month to 1535 unique visitors yesterday fetching 1.10GB.
Its dick chest-stiffening to know that some of kennysia.com’s readers are sweet young things and sizzling lingerie models. But I’m not gonna whore for hits today. 🙂
Instead I’m tuning back into reality for a while.
Home for 8 years, for sale… SOLD.
For the benefit of those who just started following my blog and too lazy… doesn’t want to read through the archives, I’ll try to summarise what happened in one paragraph or less.
I’ve spent the past eight years of my life in Perth Australia studying, and later working. October last year, I learnt that my father was diagnosed with Stage IV kidney cancer. So about six weeks ago, I left my handsome job, my girlfriend and returned to Kuching, starting a new life.
So there.
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Dear Gary, Julie and the rest of the folks at Spectra,
How are y’all doing? Its been 6 weeks since I left Perth, so here’s just a quick note to let you know that things are still holding up at my end.
Since the last time I wrote, my father’s health has improved somewhat. Gone were the eerie hallucinations he spoke of. Gone were his awkward tendencies to forget things and the dazed expressions. The glow on his face is restored. His weight has gone up slightly as his appetite improved. As a matter of fact, he just had dinner at KFC!
All in all, my father behaves very much like a normal person except he still can’t move around too much and still require lots of rest. I can only hope that this is the beginning of a miracle. Once again I sincerely thank you for your well wishes.
Thebad newsgood newsbad news is, I still honestly have no idea if or when I’ll be back in Perth.
I’m not sure what is going to happen to the software that I wrote or if there’s someone new to look after them. But as always, I’m reachable by e-mail and if there’s any pressing bugs that needs to be squashed or portions of the code that wasn’t documented properly, just let me know and I’ll do my best. Hey, just because I’m not on the company payroll doesn’t mean I won’t be helping out! 🙂
Hope things are going well over there. I miss you guys all dearly.
Regards,
Kenny
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Having to hear my father state the terms of his will, is without a doubt, one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to experience in my life.
We don’t want your money, we just want you to LIVE.
Say a little prayer.
First Ching Ming In Eight Years
I was actually thinking whether or not to publish this entry. I wanted to put it here for the sake of documenting my life, but the comment-whore in me was scoffing at myself. After all, what can be so interesting about visiting a graveyard?
In the end, I concluded that documenting events in my life is more important than producing exciting entries and gathering comments anyway, hence the reason to this post. Btw, this is not meant to be a humourous post. I love it when people recommend kennysia.com to others citing that I’m funny, but most of the time I’m just a normal 20-something who wants to write about his life, and his enormous balls. So if you find this entry funny, man you must be crazy! Go watch some Si Qian Jin video or something!
Despite the fact that Ching Ming is something almost every Malaysian-Chinese observe every year, it is still a refreshing experience for me to witness the customs and practices my extended family follow. This is my first visit to the cemetery in eight years. It is also the first time I visited my late grandmother’s burial place since she passed away in 2001. I was still in Australia when that happened and I regret I wasn’t able to be by her side during her last days. I wasn’t even able to attend her funeral.
All these happened two weeks ago so its kinda old news. But what the heck.
Its not as scary as it looks
Like most people we woke up at 6am in the morning to beat the crowd. Turned out that we didn’t even need to do that because it was raining damn hard in Kuching that morning and the crowd was scarce. My mother stayed at home to look after my father and my sister hadn’t return to Kuching yet, so it was just me and my brother joining our extended family to pay respects to our late grandparents. I didn’t bring my digicam along as I think its rude to snap photos of the cemetery, but I had my camera phone anyway. 🙂 Most photos are deliberately cropped/blurred for privacy reasons.
Oh and I still have to reiterate to people who knows me in real life, PLEASE do not mention this website to any of my family members or anyone else in Kuching who knows me personally. They are sensitive about this sort of things, so please keep whatever you read to yourself so I can write more stupid things about myself. Deal?
So we headed over to our grandparents’ tomb which was re-decorated since I last remembered. The cemetery is surprisingly clean and mosquito-free, which is good because I had recurring nightmares of me as mosquito-breakfast from when I was a fat 14-year-old.
Somehow an ice-cream umbrella over a tomb didn’t quite look right
We propped up a bright red ice-cream umbrella over the tomb. It looked odd. Too bad I didn’t get any request from people asking to suck my ice-cream.
Malaysia’s answer to Doraemon
There’s a guy with a small umbrella attached on his head. I thought it was kinda cute. I wonder if he’s gonna fly away Mary-Poppins style if the wind blew harder.
My umbrella is bigger than yours, sucka
Mr Umbrella-Head looked kinda cool. I knew I have a bigger umbrella than him, but I felt like closing the little umbrella on his head and carry him around like a regular umbrella.
The currency of other world. Too bad I can’t use them here ‘cos I’m seriously broke.
These are yuan baos, or rather paper notes folded into the shape of gold ingots used in ancient China that my aunts have prepared. I remember when I was young and my grandmother was alive, my siblings and I would join her and fold bags and bags of these paper notes for our grandfather. Its a somewhat sad yet sobering thought that we are now doing it for our grandfather and her as well.
All these vegetarian food and imitation meat. Not something I wanna eat.
These are offerings, which are mostly vegetarian dishes since that’s what my grandmother ate when she’s alive. There’s also two bunches of small sticks next to the fruit basket if you noticed. Those are skins off the bamboo stems.
These are what smokers will have to put up with if the price of cigarettes keep going up
Here’s a closer look at the pack.
It looks like something illegal I know, but I swear its not!
You put some tobacco leaves (I think) onto the bamboo skin, roll it up and smoke it like a normal cigarette. My uncle called it Lo Ko Hoon, which he described as the cheapest form of cigarette.
Skinny as, but it does the job when you haven’t got much money
Its the first time I see this sort of thing. My uncle bought it because apparently that was what my grandfather smoked when he was alive. My aunt shared stories about how she used to sneak these cigarettes for my grandfather even when he was lying on his death bed.
My grandfather passed away when I was 1 years old so I hardly get to know him. All I know was that my grandparents married when the Japanese ruled Borneo during World War II. My family was very very very very very poor until when my father started his business. Looking at that RM1.00 pack of “cigarettes” is a sobering thought how lucky I am I got to study overseas.
While we were chatting amiably about our late grandparents, a family not far from us were doing something interesting…
Nice tent! Too bad the rain stopped soon after they put up the tent! HAHAHAAHAAAA!!! One hour worth of effort… GONE!
Heh, I think they came on the wrong show lah. They should be playing Survivor.
Anyway, when we figured its about time to leave, my uncle did this special ritual involving two coins. He kneeled in front of the tomb and threw two coins. Its a game of probability: two tails meant my late grandparents were not satiated yet, two heads meant they’re smiling on us, and a head and a tail meant that they were full and we may start packing and leave. I thought it was an interesting custom.
Ok this is starting to really look like Survivor
We left the cemetery in a big way by burning all those yuan baos and other unfolded paper notes. I’ve seen others burning all sorts of funny things like cardboard beer cans and houses, but we weren’t into those kinda things. So we packed and left and had lunch together and that was that.
I think Ching Ming is great tradition to observe. I never realised its importance until today. I guess the best part is that we shared stories about our late grandparents, reminiscing the good ol’ times and how life is better for us now because of them.
Somehow talking about grandparents made me feel that a part of them in my heart still lives. 🙂
Malaysia’s Most Influential Blogger
(Warning: lengthy post. Don’t read if you don’t wanna.)
Remember my plane ride from hell?
When the plane I was on was circling Sibu airspace for 2 hours, I found a copy of Malaysian Business magazine to entertain myself. I was flipping through the pages when I saw this.
Jeff Ooi, a well-known Malaysian blogger, writes for Malaysian Business magazine.
WAHHH!!! Damn yao-yeng! I thought it was Andy Lau until I read the words ‘Jeff Ooi’. Makes me wonder why he used that black-and-white picture on his site instead.
Jeff Ooi and Andy Lau, twins separated from birth. Now reunited thanks to kennysia.com.
I tried to look for a picture of myself on the magazine, but the closest thing I found that resembled me was this.
I don’t have a nose like that, but I do have another body part that looks something like that.
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I’m ashamed to admit this, but a long long time ago (before I started blogging) I was actually NOT a big fan of Jeff Ooi and his blog.
I can’t remember exactly why I didn’t like Jeff Ooi. Perhaps it all started when I read that he’s Malaysia’s Most Influential Blogger and I wondered where he got that title from. I’m always skeptical when someone or something was described with a superlative. It reminded me of some kopitiam claiming that they have “Malaysia’s Best Laksa”, “World’s Best Satay” , etc.
Remember when Andrea Fonseka won the title of Miss Malaysia – “Malaysia’s Most Beautiful Woman” last year?
Judge for yourself.
My sentiments exactly. If Andrea Fonseka is Malaysia’s Most Beautiful Woman, I reckon I can be CLEO’s Most Eligible Bachelor.
I mean, the whole thing is kinda subjective isn’t it? Who granted Jeff Ooi that title? Was there some Influential Blog Measurement Committee? It seems like Malaysiakini.com started calling him that, others blindly followed the lead, and before you know it everyone is calling him “Malaysia’s Most Influential Blogger”. (Henceforth abbreviated as “Malaysia’s M.I.B.”)
There’s once I logged onto jeffooi.com and to read some of his entries. I was expecting him talking about his life stories and shit like that, but what I got was boring newspaper-like articles. I used to think to myself – does anyone actually read his entries from start to finish without actually falling asleep? I had better fun reading my VCR’s manual. How about “Malaysia’s Most Boring Blogger” instead? Oh wait, that’s me.
Speaking of boring newspaper articles, just let me digress a bit…
See I have this thing against the local news media, right – and Jeff Ooi does that as well. Whenever they report something about what some big-shot minister said, they always insist on putting the position, the title AND the full name of that person.
For example, everytime The Star writes something about our prime minister, they would refer to him as The Malaysian Prime Minister Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi. In full, without abbreviation, without failure.
I don’t know if I’m the only one here, but my mind automatically switches off after three syllables and everything after that turns into gibberish. So whenever the newsreader says Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi, my mind would process it as Datuk Seri Aduh-I-wanna-go-wee-wee.
Given the fact that these Datuks seem to make it onto the news all the time, everyone’s name just sounded the same. I can’t differentiate between them. And that’s what makes the local newspapers and Jeff Ooi’s blog so difficult to read.
End digression.
M.I.B stands for Most Influential Blogger.
Anyway I didn’t like people referring to him as Malaysia’s Most Influential Blogger because that’s subjective and debatable. I thought people call him that because he helped influence them to go to sleep. If it were up to me I’d call Uninhibited Online’s Shweet Young Thing Malaysia’s Most Influential Blogger – since she never fails to influence an erection on me.
I didn’t know when exactly that I start to change my opinion about Jeff Ooi. But I’d point out two recent events that made me actually read his blog in depth and not just skimmed through it like I normally did.
The first was the March 28th Asian Earthquake. When the earthquake occured, I had just finished typing my entry and updated the bloggers’ portal when I noticed the link to my entry “kennysia.com’s Bandwidth Has Exploded” felt kinda out of place swamped by dozens of other entries titled “EARTHQUAKE!!!!” I rushed to the telly. TV1 shows soccer, TV3 shows basketball… something wasn’t right. I went back to my computer and my first reflex was to check out jeffooi.com. By 2am, he had already reported on the tremors and aggregated several other blogger’s account of the situation.
More recently its the StreamyX fuck-up (for lack of a harsher word). Almost everyone with a broadband connection in Malaysia experienced the slowdown and almost everyone was screaming profanities at TMNut and its boh-chap attitude making light of such a grave situation. Whilst many of us are content putting up with TMnet’s incompetance, Jeff Ooi took the proactive approach questioning the ISP’s handling of the situation and pushing them for better services, just so that we can all download porn faster… enjoy faster internet service.
See, we’re brought up in a country where the newspapers are controlled by the government and sedition laws silenced voices of the opposition. We’re brought up in a place where it is considered wrong to question the authorities, where we are expected to open up our mouth and swallow whether they feed us meat or shit.
To question the authorities or to push them for explanation is considered disrespectful, or worse, unpatriotic. People swallow their dissatisfactions instead of voicing them out, fearing their name will enter the ever-so-MYTHICAL so-called “black list”. (I’m sorry but there’s no such thing as a black list.) Eventually, the-powers-that-be realised that they can get away with stupid things like spending money researching how to bring teh-tarik into space, and continue to feed us so much shit that we think its meat.
Ministers at some oh-so-important event on the front page of newspapers is a common sight in Malaysia. (The headlines are photoshopped one lah)
The sad fact is that newspapers in Malaysia are no longer a credible source of unbiased stories, unless you are more interested in ministers hitting gongs and cutting cakes. In times like this, we need ombudsmen like Jeff Ooi, Mack Zul, and others. Detractors who view them as whiny bitches seriously need to ask themselves, “Am I 100% perfectly happy with my country? Is there REALLY NOTHING the authorities can do to improve?”
This entry is written in support of Jeff Ooi in The Freedom Blog Awards. (A real award, not some crappy underdog ones)
I apologise for the lengthy entry. But hey, its the weekend. 🙂
Thanks for reading this far,
Kenny,
aka “Blogger with the Biggest Balls in Malaysia”
“Si Qian Jin” (4 Little Golden Princess) VCD Review
When I was in Sibu, I saw this.
When I got back to Kuching, I saw this.
So, I did what any man would do under such proliferate advertising, and I bought this.
Which shall be our subject of review today.
Oh come on, don’t tell me you didn’t think this day is gonna come. I’ve been waiting to review this CD ever since the day I got back to Malaysia. *evil smirk*
So I inserted the VCD into the player, and then the horror began.
…
…
…
OH.
MY.
FREAKIN’.
GAWD.
Shit. There are SO many things wrong with this music video I don’t even know where to start.
Perhaps an introduction.
For those fortunate enough to never have endured the relentless assaults of these girls’ shrieking voices during Chinese New Years in Malaysia, consider yourself lucky. The name of the band is Si Qian Jin (‘Si’ = Four, ‘Qian Jin’ = Princess). Their official name in English is Four Little Golden Princess as shown on the CD sleeve. Nevermind the fact that ‘princess’ should be plural, because in this country its important to teach children bad Engrish.
Their latest release is a CD+VCD combo album called Dong Pin Xi Cou, which implies some sort of musical East Meets West thing. Unsurprisingly, all the tracks are remixes of Chinese and English oldies like “Mamma Mia”, and “Jambalaya”.
Si Qian Jin is a girl group made up of four prepubescent teenage chio bus who called themselves Hong-er, Jun-er, Kai-er and Ming-er.
I think they’re missing Fuck-er.
I assume these girls are teenagers. To be honest, I couldn’t really tell their age since their faces are always buried underneath thick crappy makeup. Excuse me, but you DO NOT put heavy eyeliners and thick foundations on 15 year olds and expect them to look pretty. Heavy make ups are reserved for drag queens and prostitutes, so unless you’re trying to market these girls as prostitutes, goddammit please EASE UP on the MAKE UP!
And then there’s the clothes. WHAT THE FISH were they thinking dressing up in clothes like that?! That’s just wrong, man, so so so wrong. I can understand they’re trying to look cute and all, but… mini polka-dotted skirts with three-quarter LEOTARDS? Makes me wonder if they trying to sell this video to the torture chamber in Abu Ghraib or something.
Alright, so you said “Aiyo Kenny you so bad. Its not their fault they dressed up like that watttttt!”. Ok ok ok ok fineeee. Then whoever made them dress up like that deserves to have his penis made into pretzels. To have four innocent children dressing up in clothes like that is not just a crime against fashion, its friggin’ CHILD ABUSE!
Actually, I think they look like Teletubbies.
Heh. Uncanny!
Then there were the dances, or rather the lack thereof.
That’s not dancing. That’s four colourful coconut trees singing.
These girls move like robots. I’ve seen trees swaying outside my house that’s more entertaining than that. The funny thing is that these girls can sway continuously for the entire video and never get sick of it. I think their producers probably told them that if they ever stop swaying like a clock, their watch wouldn’t move forward.
The entire music video focuses on these four girls parading around happily. Perhaps a little too happy. Over-enthusiasticly happy. So happy in fact, I’m starting to suspect “recreational substance” blog sixthseal.com may have something to do with the production of this video.
Si Qian Jin supports gays and lesbians in Malaysia
If dressing up in matching bright-coloured clothes like that doesn’t induce vomit, I tell you what will: 8-year-olds in thick make ups trying to act cute.
What the fork are you trying to imitiate, a RETARD? ‘cos if you are, then congratulations, you’re successful in annoying the hell out of me. Now go back to the mental hospital.
Man, I can’t believe I spent the past one hour reviewing this crappy VCD. What a total waste.
To save time, I’m just going to write my conclusion to this review right away.
Conclusion
Thank you for reading.
If you happen to be a fan of this particular girl band and think that my review is harsh. I’m sorry. Sorry that your taste in music is that bad. I’ve got nothing personal against Hung-er Jun-er Kai-er Ming-er and Fuck-er because they’ve never did me any to me (other than unleashing their weapons of mass destruction on me every Chinese New Year).
To their credit, they do have great voices that’s sweet, crisp and naturally melodic. But you know what, there’s only so much ‘ji-ge-long-tong-chiang-dong-chiang’, coconut-tree-like dance moves and overenthusiastic fake smiles a man can take before he goes berserk. I reckon they should do themselves and ourselves a favour, dump their record company and give us a chance to breathe.