I find going through medical check-ups a funny thing.
It is like having a stranger ask you “Hi! How are you doing?” Except they actually lift your shirt up, put the stethoscope to your chest and really check how well you are actually doing.
It’s a habit of mine to go for a medical checkup once every two years. I take it very seriously in my case because of my family’s history of cancer. I’m not particularly worried about anything, but early detection is best form of defence, so better safe than sorry.
My previous blood test was two years ago.
The result came back confirming that I’m pretty much healthy, except my liver had too much protein. Whatever that means.
Two years have passed and I’m still feeling quite alright.
I’ve taken care of myself well this year. I don’t smoke, haven’t got drunk at all this year and spent a lotta time exercising and eating the right food. If I’m not healthy, someone better gimme a darn good explanation.
I went to BP Diagnostic Centre again for my medical checkup, but this time at their Cheras branch. Apparently the BP in Cheras are heaps bigger than the one in Kuching, and they also have different definitions when it comes to their “comprehensive package”.
In their Kuching branch, their comprehensive package is just a blood and urine test that costs RM270 and comes in a report only 4 pages long.
In Cheras, their comprehensive package costs a whooping RM1,000. But it includes not just the blood and urine test, but a range of physical tests along with all the bells and whistles and Christmas trees.
Just kidding about the Christmas tree. That one you have to ask from Santa.
But the comprehensive package was very comprehensive alright. So darn comprehensive that the entire procedure took almost THREE bloody hours to complete. No pun intended.
It was strangely fun though.
First they sucked my blood.
Next they took my urine, and placed it into a container labelled STERILE.
Meaning the container is sterile. Not me.
I’m not sterile.
Then they put me on a super-canggih electronic scale and measured my height and weight.
I am 165.5cm tall and weighed 83.3kg. According to the nurse, my BMI reading is 30.4, which meas I am officially classifed as OBESE.
Bloody hell.
After that’s done, she brought my obese ass into the waiting room. There I found something interesting.
Among the stack of magazines there, I found a copy of FHM with Miss Malaysia 2005 Chermaine Poo on the cover looking sexy.
What dangerous object to put in a blood testing clinic.
Later people get high blood pressure how?
My first physical test was a hearing test.
I was led into this sound-proof room and asked to put on these huge pair of headphones.
Then my mouth went “du-buk-chi du-buk-chi du-buk-chi” while my hand did the spinning gesture like a DJ.
But then the nurse told me to be more serious, so immediately I kept quiet and went through the tests with her.
Next, I was led to this other room where there’s this bizzare contraption for me to insert my head.
A camera inside took close-up photos of my skin and it showed up on the nurse’s computer screen.
I was shown how much wrinkles, pimples and black spots I have on my face. The nurse also attempted to sell me some face care products, which I politely turned down. After all I still got heaps of L’Oreal freebies after my embarrassing experience as a CLEO Bachelor last time. Hehe.
Those tests were okay, but it was the next test got me a little scared.
It was an ULTRASOUND test.
Apparently it’s an important part of the test because the doctor will check for unusual lumps, size or shape on my internal machinery without going through X-rays.
I was introduced to a Dr Wee, who asked me to lie on the bed and lift my shirt up. He then rubbed this KY jelly-like lubricant all over my stomach and put his scanner onto it.
Suddenly I feel like a pregnant lady.
It would be really weird if the doctor scanned my stomach and this image came up on screen.
WAH. Confirm I run away from the lab immediately. KY Jelly on my stomach and all.
Thankfully nothing like that happened. But the tests did get weirder and weirder.
Blame me for choosing the comprehensive test, because the doctor didn’t just scan my stomach, he had to scan other parts of my body as well.
And that included my kidney, my liver, my bladder, my prostate and my… testicles.
It was the most awkward thing I ever had to do.
For about 5 minutes, my naked hairy balls were staring at the doctor while he did his job.
To him, it’s probably nothing. The doctor probably said hello to few hundreds of different shapes and sizes of testicles everyday.
But there I was, lying on the bed with my pants down to my knees, embarrassed, freezing like hell because the air-cond was blowing directly towards my KY jelly-covered coconuts.
And all I could think about at the time was don’tgetanerection don’tgetanerection don’tgetanerection !
Luckily I didn’t get an erection.
Thankfully the rest of the tests were pretty straightforward. I had to put my feet into a machine to test my bone for osteoporosis and blow into this gadget that measures my lung capacity.
There was also this interesting physical test which involves me running on a threadmill that goes faster and faster while strapped on to a heart-rate monitor.
I felt like I was in one of those superhero movies like The Incredible Hulk really.
Except in my case all I could see was my Incredible Bulk.
I did the tests way back in October. After three weeks, I finally got my test results from BP.
The good news is, I’m still healthy overall.
The bad news is, my report card has got HEAPS more red marks this time round.
In short:
- My red blood counts are too low
- My cholestrol levels are too high
- I seem to have contracted some sorta stomach bacteria called H Pylori.
Nothing that a few vitamins and antibiotics can’t fix.
And I really have to cut down on those butter sotongs to push my cholestrol levels back down.
The next ten pages consists of my physical test results and various images from the ultrasound scan. It was interesting, although I can’t really tell what is what.
The only thing I managed to identify was the ultrasound scan of my balls. Because I know what they look like.
They are really as big as coconuts.
Best advice I’ve uttered to myself unknowing : “Relationships should make you stronger, happier, better. It should be 1 + 1= 3. Not 1 + 1 = 0.”
That’s the kinda maths I came up with. And I spent five years getting a Physics degree.